Your def not alone and I know EXACTLY how you feel
I'm so sorry for your loss and I know it hurts. I lost my Simon in June, after 15 years of being my companion, going thru many life changes with me, and just being there with me as my best friend, I held him in my arms as he had a stroke or heart attack and looked in my eyes as he took his last breath
and I too am still struggling with this.
I put my xmas tree up by myself and had lots of time to think and I just balled. EVERY year Simons favorite spot to sleep was under the tree
he got soooooooo excited when I would put the skirt up.
Well this year guess what. I won't be cleaning up all the long cat hair under the tree
I so regret ever complaining I had to
So I'm right here with you. I feel your pain and I hope yours heals real soon.
Take care!!!