[PinkMartini]

There are many bugs in this great, big world of ours. Bugs that do good, bugs that do bad, and bugs that are just plain annoying.

For the latter two types, do us a service, will you? Stay out of the following places...

1) The little grooves on the sides of window screens. This is specifically aimed at spiders. If you're a ladybug, I don't care. But if you're a brown recluse, GET OUT! This rule applies to all windows, especially windows that are next to beds. Honestly. How would you like it if we hung out next to your bed with enough poison to rot off a part of your body? Or if you're *really* poisonous... your life altogether?

2) The ceiling, particularly the parts above beds and chairs. And please don't do that whole, "whoamygoshslip!" thing, where your front legs lose hold on the ceiling, leaving you dangling over us vulnerable people.

3) Furniture in general. STAY OFF. Especially if you're poisonous, but even if you're not, get lost before I smush you.

4) The shower/bathtub. This rule is for all bugs, but mostly aimed at big, hairy spiders, nasty beetles (cockroaches and whatnot), and anything that's big and/or hairy with fangish thingers that looks like death. I don't hide behind the shampoo bottle and run around your feet when you're naked, so scat, you perv.

5) The electric pencil sharpener. "Why?" you might ask. Well, I'll tell you. One, this makes the pencils very hard to sharpen. Two, it's a horrific experience to be cleaning out and shaking the sharpener to find out what on earth is going on with it when a dead bug drops its corpse on your hand.

6) Indoors in general. Ahem. WE own the house. WE live in it. WE did NOT invite you to join us. So quit being a freeloader! What do you mean this was your land first!? You were born two days ago! I don't care if this is your ancestor's land either! We've run everybody else out of their homes, so why don't you be like them and take a hike!? Thanks.

Dear bugs, please don't take this too harshly. It's not that we hate you that much... well... we might... yeah, I know, the whole Raid thing seems a little cruel... but, hey. This is to your benefit as much as it is to ours. Seriously. By avoiding our homes, you not only avoid bug spray (what do you mean, we use it outside, too? stay on topic!), but you avoid feet, hands, fly swatters, shoes, slippers, heavy books, rolled up newspapers, toilets, cats that like to eat you, electric fans, hand grenades, rifles, tasers, and machine guns.

So as you can see, this is as much for your safety as it is for ours. What do you mean the world's full of predators? Yeah, well, you know what? That's not my problem, it's YOURS. So get lost, ya lousy, bloodsucking devils! RAWR! (cocks rifle)