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Originally Posted by LouisLove  This may be too lengthy for some, but i really need advice.
My sister was married at the age of 16. At 17 she had a boy, my love,Daniel. She got divorced after 3 years (he was caught cheating) and immediately ran into a man, twice her age, hands. He has been in her life, off and on, for the past 7 years. He cheated on her twice. Once with his CURRENT wife's cousin's daughter and once with our cousin's baby's mama. Ew. She began to tell me how she wanted to leave him and for 7 years I would try to help her. ONLY when she asked for my help. Which was all the time. at least 3 times a year. I've been married for 3 years now and my husban has seen my struggle with her lifestyle and has seen me pick up the shattered remains of my heart. all in vain. This story is incredibly similar to the story of The boy Who cried Wolf!
Last spring I drew a line with her, and flat out asked her if she was going to leave hm or not, if she loved him to just say it and I could accept it. She said "I am going to leave him" So then I said I give you a month to do it and move in with me. She couldn't so I told her "no more" I will only talk to her about Daniel and her health. But I did not want to hear about her relationship with him. He also kicked my mother out of his house, and attacked her with a clothes hanger. Oh yeah girls, he's a winner!
Now, she is pregnant with, unfortunately, his baby. a baby whom I will love no matter what. I need help in keeping that line I drew alive. I drew it "selfishly" to protect my physical, mental, and spiritual health altogether. My dad is flying here for the holidays and will be staying with her. HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS?! I'm not a dramatic person, but if you know me you know that my "no" means "no". If I step foot in that house, my sister would take it as though I am OK with everything,but my main concern isn't her remaining with him. It is me witnessing her misery and, as always, feeling helpless, useless and defeated.
I know some may think I am being a butt-in-ski but in a way this isn't about her it is about me and my relationship with my family. Does that make sense? I am desperate.  |
I understand your need to try and "shelve" some of her issues for your own peace of mind. No one can blame you for wanting to put all of that in a box somewhere, close the lid, and be done with it.
Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way.
It sounds like your sister believes she needs this person for her own self worth. And, more importantly, it sounds to me like you really
aren't finding any peace of mind by trying to close your eyes and ears to her relationship. Because you really DO care, and that makes you the kind of sister that she needs right now.
What might be a better approach would be to do things with her that very quietly, and very subtly let her realize she has more self-worth than that. Do things together as sisters. Boost her confidence. Maybe introduce her to a different circle of friends where she'll meet a more decent guy. If she married and had a child so young, I am going to assume that she didn't have a strong parental/family involvement in her life--and she was filling that void with the first husband/baby. You can give her what she needs to fill that void. Threatening to not hear her troubles gives her the message that hey, her feelings and troubles are not important enough, and that will make her cling to him more.
Just be a loving and supportive sister; that is all you can really do.