[vainchick5]

New Puppy Poem
Don't smell crotches, don't eat plants.
Don't steal food or underpants.
Don't eat my socks, don't grab my hair . . .
DON'T RIP THE STUFFING FROM THAT CHAIR!
Don't eat those peas! Don't touch that bush!
Don't chew my shoes ... What IS that mush?
Eat your cookie, drink your drink.
Outta the toilet! Outta the sink!!
AWAY FROM THE CAT BOX, IT'S FOR THE CAT!!
(And MUST you kiss me? After that???)
Yes, raising a puppy is not for the lazy!
Though puppies are funny, they're also quite crazy.
But don't despair, though its toil and strife.
After 3 years, you'll get back your life!
So, let's go for "walkies", you can "do your thing".
(And perhaps I'll get back my GOOD DIAMOND RING!)


How to Prepare for a Puppy


Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk around barefoot in the dark.

Wear a sock to work that has had the toes shredded by a blender.

Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain and dark saying, "Be a good puppy and go potty-hurry up now -- come on, let's go."

Cover all of your best suits with dog hair. Dark suits must have white hair and light suits must have dark. Also, some hair must be in your first cup of morning coffee.

Play catch with a wet tennis ball.

Run out in the snow in your bare feet to close the gate.

Tip over a basket of clean laundry, scatter clothing all over the floor, taking care to shred at least one of each pair of socks. (See above.)

When the doorbell rings drop your dirty underwear on the living room floor, because that is where the pup will drag it anyway -- after all, company is coming.

Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV show and run to the door shouting, "No, NO! Do that OUTSIDE!" Miss the end of the program.

Gouge the leg of the dining room table several times with a screwdriver.

Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning, and do not try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.

Take a warm, cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you get when your puppy falls asleep on your lap.


A Day in the Life of a Puppy

This morning, I woke up and kissed my dad's head
I peed on the carpet, then went back to bed.
The life of a puppy, oh my, this is great.
Then I thought about breakfast, I hope its not late.
Mom took me outside, we walked for a while.
This never fails to make mama smile.
I sniffed of everything, that we did pass,
I ate something weird it gave me gas.
I'm sure God loves me, I know that is true.
He gave me so many great things to chew.
Rugs, plants or rocks, I really don't care.
What I truly like best, is dad's underwear.
That obedience book, was sort of yummy.
Though it didn't sit well on my poor puppy tummy.
I threw up a bit, but that was all right.
When mom found it later, I was well out of sight.
I made streamers of TP, while running at full speed.
Mom is pretty quick but I was still in the lead.
I flew under the bed and mom flew past,
she stopped-shook her head and breathed,
You're too fast.
Mama later phoned daddy and said, "It was frightening!"
That afternoon, she was sure I'd poop lightning.
She'd sat at the computer, while I chewed the cord,
she thought I was mad, but I was just bored.
When mama had enough, couldn't take anymore,
that's when my tushy got shoved out the door.
I love it inside, but outside is best.
Lay in the cool grass, and had a good rest.
That didn't last long, there was too much to do -
Can't quite remember where I hid daddy's shoe.
I found an old bone and scratched at an itch,
I watched the dumb squirrels as they jumped in a tree.
I barked at the kids, when they got off the bus.
I can't figure out why this makes mama fuss.
I barked at the neighbor, I barked at the wind.
I barked and barked till mom yelled "COME IN."
The sun dipped in the West, soon daddy would come!
I sure love my daddy, we always have fun.
I barked at my daddy, then turned on my charms,
I woo-wooed, "Hello" then jumped in his arms.
Sitting under the table it's sooo hard to wait.
Daddy slipped me a goody right off his plate.
I raced through the house, and scattered my toys,
ricocheted off the furniture and made lots of noise.
Mom found her purse, the one I'd abused.
Daddy let loose a chuckle. Mom asked "Amused?"
I cowered down low, I must be in trouble
Dad said, "Was't MY boy, it must be his double!"
Mom turned off the TV and said, "Time for bed."
Dad said, "Let's go boy" and patted my head.
I got in my spot, between mom and dad,
I thought about my day and what fun I had.
Mama kicked out my bone from the covers below,
then let loose a sigh, a sigh deep and low.
She gave me a kiss and snuggled me tight,
and whispered so softly, "My darling goodnight."