[Rusty's Momma]

Got this in an email... thought it was funny so thought I would share
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Dear Staff:

Welcome back to the office. Please be advised that there are new rules
and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our agency.

ATTIRE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If
we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you
are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you
may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you
do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to
get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Over weight people
get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a
Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your
picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders" category.

SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You
should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have
something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide ! a
pos itive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and
input should be directed to the Unemployment Office.

Have a nice day.
Human Resources Dept.