[yorkiepuppie]

on wednesday morning, i had to place davinci in the crate. he was in pain, and as i was still trying to figure out how to get him help that day. he started crying and running backwards really fast in his crate. i was afraid that he would hurt himself in there running so crazy in the crate i opened the crate door, and he ran out and ran backwards in circles really fast, i tried to catch him, i was so scared. i kept calling his name, finally i caught him and he collapsed. i put him in the crate and rushed to the vet.

on the drive to the vet, i was driving as fast as i could running red lights. i kept screaming and crying and telling davinci to please hold on. i knew he was dying, i didn't know what to do, i wanted to stop the car and give him CPR, but i don't know how to do CPR, and i wanted to get him to the vet asap to get help.

i got to the vet's office, ran in there with davinci's limp body, screamed at the vet to please help him. the vet immediately took davinci from me and ran to the back. i sat there waiting, crying hysterically, i can hear the machines going in the back room, but i knew davinci was gone. then i heard his little bell, and i stopped crying, and kept listening, i thought maybe they saved him. but after a while, the vet came out with the vet tech to tell me that davinci was gone and they couldn't revive him.

they took x-rays of davinci and the vet had to go to a conference that day, and told me that he would have the specialist at the conference take a look at the x-rays. i called to schedule another appt. with the vet that afternoon, i wanted to find out what happened to davinci.

the vet showed me the x-rays and explained to me what he was told by the specialist at the conference. i was overwhelmed and wanted to know if we are sure that was the exact cause of death. the vet could not give me a definite 100% answer, but told me that if his pet died, he would except this as the cause of death. he told me that the only way to find out is if we performed MRI.

i asked him if davinci was already gone when i rushed him in, and he told me yes. i had suspected that davinci was already gone, because when the vet ran to the back room with davinci, i can hear a few words being exchanged between the vet and the technician. i couldn't hear what they were saying. but by the tone of the few words exchanged, i knew they were saying that davinci was already gone. but they still started the machines, put a tube down davinci's throat, pumped his heart and gave him epinephrine. (this really means a lot to me that they still tried even though they knew he was gone)

the next day, the vet called me again, to let me know that they have called around to see if anyone can perform an MRI on davinci, everyone told them no. nobody would perform MRI. i pressed again for the vet to tell me how certain we are about the cause of death. and the vet said there is no way to be 100% certain.

on friday, i went to the clinic wanting to find out more and wanting to get out of the house because milu was sniffing davinci's toys and breaking my heart. i learned that the vet had called and researched and tried really hard to find me a concrete answer because he knew that's what i wanted and that it would make me feel better, but he was unable to get me a concrete answer. but his effort meant a lot to me. he is a younger vet, not my regular vet as my regular vet was on vacation when this all happened.

i still cannot fully believe that davinci is gone. but i have accepted that i cannot be 100% certain what happened to davinci, and i am ok with knowing most likely what the probable cause was.

I wasn't responding to this thread a lot, but i was reading what people were writing, it made me cry everytime i read it, but it also made me feel better. even though in a way i did not want to feel better, i had wanted to feel guilt maybe, i am not sure, just that i was responsible for davinci, and he is dead, i have failed, and i should be punished.

it's still hard for me to think about baby davinci, i miss him very much. i cannot wait till the day when i can just remember his sweetness without so much pain.

davinci was only a puppy, he would had turned 21 weeks old on the day he passed. even though we've only had him for about 8 weeks, it feels like he's always been part of the family.