I feel so unnappreciated

[Rae Rae]

As some of you might have noticed from some of my posts, I'm not really a homemaker type. Whenever I cook or clean, a disaster usually is the result, such as breaking the washing machine TWICE, or the time I didn't know clorox was bleach.

So now that I have my own house, and am not working that much, I'm doing a lot more cleaning and cooking, but I don't think my bf appreciates it at all. Usually I'll call him at work and ask him what he wants for dinner, and cook it for him. Well one time he just wanted me to microwave some left overs, but I forgot to do it. So when he came home I apologized and his response..."I didn't expect you to anyways".

So today he comes home and is cleaning (HE insists on doing it, even though I tell him I'll do it during the day so he doesn't have to after work, but I might not do it the day he wants too because of whatever I'm doing during that day). Today I did laundry (I know how to do it now!!!) and cleaned up the kitchen. He comes home and was cleaning our end tables, and tells me "You never do it" I was soo upset! He's always making comments like this, but it's complete BS! First he says "I'm just telling you" but when I tell him that bothers me he says "I was joking"..but I really don't think he was. THen I go into the kitchen, and everything I cleaned he messes up! He couldn't even cover up the brownies I made last night, he just left the foil to the side!

Since living in my own house I've improved soo much on cooking and cleaning. And he doesn't recognize it at all! He knew I'm not the type to clean all day and cook, so if it's such a problem I don't know why he even bought a house with me in the first place. I love him and we have a great relationship, but this is bothering me soo much and when I talk to him about it he says "I know you have improved and I'll stop making remarks" but then he doesn't! I think from now on I'm purposely going to be messy, and just say "well you say I don't clean, so I'm not". I don't know what else too do. Usually I walk away and ignore him, but he's not good at catching on when I do that. Anyone have any suggestions on how I can get him to stop acting like this? This is really getting to me.

I needed to vent! Thanks ladies

[waistfull]

Well I've been married to a perfectionist for 17 years. I have lupus, so I haven't been able to do much in a while. I've always been a stay at home mom. We used to have the same things happen to us when we were first married. I couldn't believe how perfect things had to be. My mother was the same way.
Well he does most of it now and our daughter helps. You guys just need to sit down and talk. Talking about it can really help. You may have to talk about it a thousand times, but each time it can get better.

[Erin]

Hire a cleaning lady.

It's all about the attitude you both have. You have to be able to talk about it. Tell him you are domestically challenged and ask him if you can get a cleaning person or ask which jobs he doesn't want to have to do when he gets home. He can't reasonably expect you to keep everything clean every day but you have to have the discussion. (Like, I have to have a clean kitchen and I like clean clothes put away, but dusting and bathrooms are on the "when I feel like it" list.) I literally had to explain to my husband why we need to vacuum at least once a week. Any less than that and the carpet gets nasty. I just assumed he knew that, but he didn't. It sounds like you two need to have these little discussions.

[mizzwanned]

Girl, I know exactly how you feel. They don't notice when you do something right or nice for them but then when you do they're quick to complain. My bf is the same way, except he loves to cook because he wants to be a chef. I actually like to clean, I can't stand being in a dirty place but I'm not really into cooking. Although I know if I get married I'll have to cook for my husband everday or most of the time so I've learned how to from my mom. But then when I do cook for my bf he always wants to take over and I'm like why don't you just let me cook, why do you even ask. lol Guys are so complicated. Don't even worry about it.

[Rae Rae]

Thanks girls!

Hiring a cleaning lady is out of the question..it's really not in our budget. It's not that I don't clean..it's just that he says I don't clean. He's very anal with his cleaning ways, and when this all began and I told him that I'll clean during the day he was asking me "well how do you clean?"..literally wanting to know the steps of how I clean! We got into an arguement on the way home tonight actually over this.

It started when I told him I'm going to bring Gizmo over during the day when I'm at home so him and Rocky can play, plus he can get used to my house so when my parents go out of town next summer, he'll be comfortable here (last time he freaked out). MY boyfriends response was "As long as you clean up after him" so I said "OK DAD...I wasn't asking your permission, I was telling you" so it just kinda went from there, and he brought up how HE cleans the house and I supposedly don't. Everything he named he does, I'm like "I do that, I do that too, etc". So then hes all "well I dont like coming home to a messy house" and I said "well I don't like you messing up the kitchen after I clean it!" Then he says he was going to clean up his mess later, and I said he shoulda done it asap. I had the last word.

Were better now (we honestly don't fight much, so that's kinda big for us, LOL). Hopefully tomarrow we'll talk about it more. It's just pissing me off because we've discussed this before, and I told him how his remarks make me feel, and he said he'll work on them and "allowing" me to do the cleaning, but he has no progress what-so-ever.

[yorkieK9trainer]

Hrm.
If you've honestly sat down and talked w/ him about this straight up and were honest and didn't back down in the conversation (not attacking, him, but if he because hateful at all, don't back down) then I'd continue to clean the house the way YOU want to clean the house and ignore him when he cleans too.
I really wouldn't let him cleaning something here and there bother you. Even if you *just* cleaned it. Seriously. And if you are going to let that bother you, watch him. SEE how he cleans it and do it the same way as him next time if it isn't a way you don't mind doing it.
MY bf for 2 1/2 years was the same way when it came to the dishes and a few other things. He really appreciated it when I chatted him up in casual conversation while he was cleaning and the whole point of me doing so (besides being genuinely invested in what he had to say) was also to WATCH him clean and do it the same way he did the next time I cleaned. It didn't bother me in the slightest and I learned something new-it was more efficient to do it *his* way. Not the end of the world. And vice versus. There's some things I do that he's thought the same on. Just avoid butting heads. Something so simple isn't worth stressing over.
jm2c

[Rae Rae]

Originally Posted by yorkieK9trainer

Hrm.
If you've honestly sat down and talked w/ him about this straight up and were honest and didn't back down in the conversation (not attacking, him, but if he because hateful at all, don't back down) then I'd continue to clean the house the way YOU want to clean the house and ignore him when he cleans too.
I really wouldn't let him cleaning something here and there bother you. Even if you *just* cleaned it. Seriously. And if you are going to let that bother you, watch him. SEE how he cleans it and do it the same way as him next time if it isn't a way you don't mind doing it.
MY bf for 2 1/2 years was the same way when it came to the dishes and a few other things. He really appreciated it when I chatted him up in casual conversation while he was cleaning and the whole point of me doing so (besides being genuinely invested in what he had to say) was also to WATCH him clean and do it the same way he did the next time I cleaned. It didn't bother me in the slightest and I learned something new-it was more efficient to do it *his* way. Not the end of the world. And vice versus. There's some things I do that he's thought the same on. Just avoid butting heads. Something so simple isn't worth stressing over.
jm2c

I agree, it definitly isn't something worth fighting over. I'm going to try talking things over with him tomarrow about this whole issue. Hopefully it'll work...wish me luck

[Connie]

I'm married to a perfectionist and used to bend over backwards to please him and have every thing perfect. One day my sis said, "Why bother...there is no pleasing him." So...I quit trying so hard and if he doesn't like it, it's his problem!

[SnowWa]

Rae Rae -- I think you are doing your very best - plus you have learned a lot and improving all the time.

I think your boyfriend needs to think this through a little more and be more appreciative of you.

And, unfortunately, if he doesn't learn to appreciate you rather than critize you so much - I don't think you'll ever really be happy. A lot of criticism take the fun out of everything you're learning and working hard to do.

I NEVER tell people to go to a counselor -- but I think you and your boyfriend might benefit from one. He really needs to have a third party point out to him - how much he is hurting your feelings and your relationship with his criticism. (Gor his sake, I'd probably go to a male counselor - just so he won't think the "girls" are ganging up on him.) Plus - you may benefit from counseling too - and perhaps learn some things that you can do differently.

But then - counseling costs money too - doesn't it? Darn.

Good luck - all relationships need a lot of love and a lot of work. But one person can never do it all....


Carol Jean

[Grayson's mom]

He sounds nit pickey and you will never do it good enough. My ex was that way! UGH what a night mare!! Good luck to you hopefully you 2 will find a way to meet in the middle!!

[red98vett]

Girl ....when someone is anal - there is no pleasing them - you can try and try and they'll always find something they don't like - I'm with Connie - do what you're doing and if he doesn't like it - he can do it himself.

Why sweat the small stuff ? Life's too short

[YorkieRose]

The only person who ever appreciates what a homemaker does, is another homemaker...whatever you do, do it because you want a nice place to live in for yourself..expect no praise from others.. appeciate yourself, pat yourself on the back and praise your own efforts...best wishes

[Potter]

Originally Posted by Rae Rae

Thanks girls!

Hiring a cleaning lady is out of the question..it's really not in our budget. It's not that I don't clean..it's just that he says I don't clean. He's very anal with his cleaning ways, and when this all began and I told him that I'll clean during the day he was asking me "well how do you clean?"..literally wanting to know the steps of how I clean! We got into an arguement on the way home tonight actually over this.

It started when I told him I'm going to bring Gizmo over during the day when I'm at home so him and Rocky can play, plus he can get used to my house so when my parents go out of town next summer, he'll be comfortable here (last time he freaked out). MY boyfriends response was "As long as you clean up after him" so I said "OK DAD...I wasn't asking your permission, I was telling you" so it just kinda went from there, and he brought up how HE cleans the house and I supposedly don't. Everything he named he does, I'm like "I do that, I do that too, etc". So then hes all "well I dont like coming home to a messy house" and I said "well I don't like you messing up the kitchen after I clean it!" Then he says he was going to clean up his mess later, and I said he shoulda done it asap. I had the last word.

Were better now (we honestly don't fight much, so that's kinda big for us, LOL). Hopefully tomarrow we'll talk about it more. It's just pissing me off because we've discussed this before, and I told him how his remarks make me feel, and he said he'll work on them and "allowing" me to do the cleaning, but he has no progress what-so-ever.

I totally understand because those are the exact sentences my hubby use too!!!!

"well how do you clean?"..
If our white stove has a few spots on it because I was cooking, he would be asking..I would be like, its white!!! He expects me to clean it every single day. I do wipe it but not scrub it every single day! So once, he was picking about it, I was like, "You can do it for today" and he cleaned it once and never made a beep now about it anymore.Its not like I sit at home do nothing. I do my work but scrubbing the stove everyday is too much.

"As "well I dont like coming home to a messy house"
Again, its not like I don't clean the house. It has to be perfect for him. With the amount of space we have in a condo, its really not easy. He doesn't do it everyday but when he is in a picking mood, you'd be dead. He'd be like "If you can't do it, I'll do it on my own"...the last time I ran out of patience, I am like "Fine.Go ahead"

If they offer to do it and they think they can do better than you do, don't feel offended. Let them do it! Trust me, it'll help them to understand.

[chachi]

I am married to a perfectionist too. Just dont take it personal and keep doing what you are doing

[Erin]

Originally Posted by yorkieK9trainer

Hrm.
If you've honestly sat down and talked w/ him about this straight up and were honest and didn't back down in the conversation (not attacking, him, but if he because hateful at all, don't back down) then I'd continue to clean the house the way YOU want to clean the house and ignore him when he cleans too.
I really wouldn't let him cleaning something here and there bother you. Even if you *just* cleaned it. Seriously. And if you are going to let that bother you, watch him. SEE how he cleans it and do it the same way as him next time if it isn't a way you don't mind doing it.
MY bf for 2 1/2 years was the same way when it came to the dishes and a few other things. He really appreciated it when I chatted him up in casual conversation while he was cleaning and the whole point of me doing so (besides being genuinely invested in what he had to say) was also to WATCH him clean and do it the same way he did the next time I cleaned. It didn't bother me in the slightest and I learned something new-it was more efficient to do it *his* way. Not the end of the world. And vice versus. There's some things I do that he's thought the same on. Just avoid butting heads. Something so simple isn't worth stressing over.
jm2c

I like when my husband will sit in the kitchen and chat with me while I clean up. I don't mind doing it, I think I just get frustrated when I am stuck cleaning and he is sitting in the other room watching tv or whatever. After a couple years of marriage we have figured out that we just need to say what we want. He's not just going to know that I like him to "help" me even if that means waiting around until I'm ready for him to take the trash out. I call him down and say "sit here and talk to me while I do this because I'm going to need your help in a minute".

Also, unless your boyfriend is being unreasonably controlling, which I totally can't tell from your post, I understand where he is coming from. My husband thinks that "cleaning the kitchen" means putting whatever fits in the dishwasher and filling up the rest with water to "soak" (for 3 days... ) Anyway, I think cleaning the kitchen is doing ALL of the dishes, drying them and putting them away, disinfecting the counters, cleaning the stove and microwave, cleaning up any spills on the floor, etc. He does not get a gold star for putting his fork in the dishwasher, BUT I find that if I have him to the dishes, then I come through and clean the rest and it doesn't seem so bad. It's a good way to share.

Also, some people think about cleaning differently. If I have 10 extra minutes in the morning before I leave for work I will swap a load of laundry or run the dishwasher. He would let clothes sit wet in the washer until he ran out of socks. So rather than feel like I have 18 loads of laundry to do every week, I bought 5 laundry baskets. 1 for towels (which are white, so I can wash them with socks) and 2 for me and 2 for him. I do my laundry first, then the towels, and then if I feel like it I do his clothes. If I don't feel like it, he runs out of clothes! But I find that if I walk upstairs right past his office with HIS clothes in the basket and say "I did your laundry" he actually says thank you. Whereas when it was all combined he would just expect me to do it. And yes he waits until the basket is overflowing and spilling all over the floor to wash his stuff, but at least I can point to his basket and say, "You need to do laundry" And it makes it easy for him because 1 full basket is 1 load, so he doesn't have to come to me and ask. And I even bought white and blue baskets for whites and colors :-)

Anyway, over the last couple years we have come up with little things like this that make me happy without overwhelming him. I honestly am better at cleaning than him, but I already have a full time job and two of us do live there. So I have him do the things he is willing to do, like garbage, and I do the rest.

Another example is cooking. All summer we grill, and I hate grilling, so he grills. Then when it's cold I do most of the cooking inside. We used to fight over who was cooking, but now I keep the frige stocked with easy prep meals from Traders and if neither of us want to cook then we get a pizza or whatever. We used to worry about the cost but we don't go to sit down places, sometimes we just share a sandwich, and i'd rather spend $10 on dinner than fight!

I wouldn't suggest saying things like "who put you in charge" or "OK DAD" because it's not productive. My husband used to say things like this until I put a stop to it. Talking about things is so much more productive. And if he can't explain what he is thinking then you do need to go to a counselor. I dated someone who was like that and it was horrible. Some people just get mad and then you can't get through to them or figure out what's wrong. It's one thing to say "I get stressed when I come home to dirty dishes" because it's the truth. It's also OK to say "I didn't have time to do the dishes today because I was doing ____ all day" It's not OK for him to come home in a huff and be like "you don't know how to clean" because that is unfair. It sounds like you haven't been living together very long and are trying to figure out your roles. You'll work it out, but just make sure that there isn't any resentment or it will come back later to bite you.