Please give me your thoughts regarding this-

[yorkieK9trainer]

I typed this just a moment ago. What are your thoughts? I'm still undecided, but I figured typing my feelings on this matter as of right now would help keep my mind clear. Every time I talk to the father, I waver and I'm tired of it. I don't want to develop an ulcer over this. I'm 25. I know this is a personal decision, but the experience of others, always gives good insight and helps w/ a proper decision in my opinion! Thank you for taking a moment to read this!

Regarding me keeping this baby-

Prior to getting pregnant I was of the mind to do what I could-within my realm of comfort-to not get pregnant. I thought that if the pill failed I would simply abort the baby since I obviously didn’t want to get pregnant.

Now that I am pregnant, why has that thought changed? Not because of “hormones” or that my heart is telling me that abortion is not the thing to do. Rather, because I re-assessed my beliefs in pro-choice and decided that I no longer fit the criteria. So here I am, pregnant and not having an abortion.

I’m now looking at carrying the child to term and the necessity to decide to either keep it or adopt it out. Again, I was of the mind to adopt out this baby. The father wants to have nothing to do w/ what he helped create, can’t fault him. I didn’t want conception to happen either. Since it did, there’s no real reason to have to “deal” w/ that beyond giving birth, right?

Wrong.

While I cannot at this moment say that I’ll be able to provide the life for this little one that an adoptive family could, I also can’t say which one would be better for the child. It’s not as black and white as the father makes it out to sound. He once asked me if I thought I “could be w/ one person for the rest of my life”-worded a little funny, but still the same question, implying him…you’d have to understand what we were “doing” at the time. And I told him that I honestly believe I could. And when I asked the same question of him, he concurred that he felt the same about me. And later we discussed that if I had gotten pregnant by him, that we would worry about it then. I think we both thought conception wouldn’t happen and really couldn’t happen. The odds were in our favor of not conceiving.

I’m not being ruled my emotion; rather I’m being ruled by careful thought and much deliberation.

The one and ONLY reservation that I have about this delightful “accident” is that I will need financial assistance in the upbringing of this child for perhaps the next few years, not necessarily indefinitely. The only ones responsible for that aspect of raising the child would be the father (if not deceased, and he’s currently not) and myself, since we created it, despite any precautions taken.
I am more inclined to go to him for assistance-even if he doesn’t want to assume responsibility-than to go on a state funded program of any sort. Why bring state tax payers into something they had no part either directly or indirectly in creating? That’s their responsibility only second to ours.

So if I make the choice to ask the father for financial assistance, I feel that I won’t be forcing him to be a daddy, rather asking him to not wash his hands completely of something he helped create. “The moment of conception was fun, but I must rely on you going against human nature and not changing your mind.” The one thing I can say is that I’ve made choices to NOT repeat certain behaviors ever again. And I KNOW that I will not repeat those undesired behaviors because I’ve been tempted since making that decision and never acted on it. In this case of being pregnant and keeping the baby, I said I wouldn’t, but I had never been in this position before to really know what I was talking about. Now I am in “the thick of it” and the reality is that me keeping can be done and might be the right thing to do. I don’t think it’s wise or reasonable to ask any woman to give a concrete answer and believe that she knows what she’s saying when giving an answer about something of this caliber that she’s never experienced or has been close to someone that’s experienced this situation.

If I ever were to have children, it would only be because I wanted them to have grandparents and preferably great grandparents. I’ve never really minded the thought of having a child of my own, just not an infant. Not sure why that is, but it’s true.
Since life offers no guarantees, I think it might be wise of me to give more thought in the way of keeping this child since I do have grandparents to offer the child, grandparents and great grandparents that have a deep sense of family and pride and would love to assist as much as they could. It’s a responsibility that they are more than happy to assume and have gone great lengths to reassure me that that’s truly how they feel. They will help take off wherever the father could not or chose not to pick up w/o being legally obligated to. This is a thought that has crossed their minds as a possibility ever since they knew they were having a baby girl back in 1981.

If I have this kind of support in my life and I couldn’t guarantee that I would be able to do this again in the future when I actually planned it, why not take advantage of this and just become that mom, not just a mother? It’s not the ideal time, but I’m quite capable of doing this. I would feel worse I believe parting w/ this little one in the long run than I would if I faced my fears and chose to keep it. It’s no fun to be alone on this decision, but life doesn’t always give you what you want. And I won’t be suffering by taking on this responsibility. At 25 I’ve done and seen more things than people twice my age will ever get the chance to in their lifetime. To say the least, I won’t be “missing out”.

The message to remember in the end is that despite my reservations on ONE reason to adopt this baby out is:
“If everyone waited until they were financially ready to have a child-in any capacity-then no one would have kids.”

I cannot let the lack of proper finances at this point be the deciding factor on whether or not to raise this baby. I didn’t go out looking to get pregnant, it just happened. And therefore I hate the idea of being held soley responsible just because I had the eggs, and not the sperm.

Financially not being able to provide for this child on my own is the perhaps the only real reason holding me back at this moment. Beyond that I’m not scared and I actually look forward to the future.

We’ll see what the next chapter in my life reveals-

[LuvMySissy]

It seems to me that you have really thought this through - and you are wise far beyond your years!

You are so right in saying that if everyone waiting until they were financially secure to have kids - there would be very few in this world.

As far as financial help goes - you didn't get pregnant on purpose. Wherever there is assistance being offered, you should get it if you really need it. You have been a taxpayer, too. But, whether or not the "father" wants to be a part of this child's life - he has an obligation here too. If he is able to pay child support, then I would start there. I am of the mind that there are consequences for every action and if others keep you free of those consequences, they are just paving the way for you to continue to be irresponsible (JMO).

Remember there are sacrifices necessary for all good things in life. Congratulations on your little girl.

[Dawgcrazee]

You truly have put quite a bit of thought into this. When I was 17 and pregnant, abortion never was an option. I absolutely could not imagine never seeing my baby grow up and being able to hold and love him. My baby is now 25 years old and making his own mistakes. Get the financial help from where ever you need to. If you haven't finished your education, finish. And speak to your Heavenly Father.
Blessings,
Teri

[kriston]

I became a mommy at 18. I worked full time and still managed to go to college at night and got a degree in elementary education. My parents took care of my son in the evenings while I went to school. I applied for food stamps when my son was two and was declined because I earned $5.00 per month too much. We ate lots of soup and crackers for 7 years, and it was difficult, but twenty-three years later I am very happily married with a total of 3 children. I guess what I am saying to you is that if you are determined and set your mind to it, there is nothing you can't accomplish, especially when you look into those innocent little adoring eyes and want everything in the world for that precious little child of yours. That is a mutual and unconditional love and I assure you it is all that will pull you through some days. As a single parent, you will be so consumed with your baby that you will wonder what you ever did with your time before the birth. You sound very intelligent and given that, I know that if you want it bad enough, you can and WILL do it successfully. Good luck with your pregnancy and the birth of your precious child. Please keep us posted on your progress!

[dragonflysw]

Well....I am glad that you have put so much thought into this. Seems to me like your heart and your gut are trying to tell you something. As for the state assistance, my sister had to get assistance during and after her pregnancy and my whole family reassured and supported her because as they stated.....'We have worked all of our lives and never been remotely able to qualify for assistance.....look at this as we, your family, are helping you with this baby, not the state!'. And my family is so correct......whether you or someone you knows is on assistance, your taxes are still going toward this program and a lot of people never get to take advantage of this assistance because they don't need it. People like you that do deserve it, should take advantage that it is offered....don't abuse the system, but let the system work for you and help you until you are in a better situation. Let your heart make the decision for you no matter what the decision might me. Good luck and keep us up to date!!! Praying for you!!

[JeanieK]

You are correct, if everyone waited until they could afford a baby, there would be a lot less babies.

Guaranteeing a child a life of luxury is not the best for the child. There are many poor children that grow up to be happy well adjusted successful adults. and then there is Paris Hilton. If the parent/s are happy, the child will be happy and it has absolutely nothing to do with money.
Your child needs to know it is loved, it needs a roof over it's head, food and clothing.

BTW have you applied to WIC? If not, you should, even before the baby is born.

As for choosing whether or not the father will help with support, or the tax payers. That isn't an option. If you apply for Assistance, they will automatically go after the father for the money. If you don't provide the name of the father, then you don't get assistance.

So the decision is whether you are going to support her yourself, or have him pay sujpport.

In a situation like this, the woman is pretty much in control. tha man has very little say in the matter.

Personaly I don't feel you owe him an explaination. If he absolutely did not want children, then he shouldn't have been having sex. He's not a teenager, he knew it could happen, it's a chance you take when you have sex.

Hope that helps. Every thing has a way fo working out. don't stress over money. it will be there when you need it, if you have faith. If you don't have faith, well then............... that could be why you are stressed.

Good Luck.

[JeanieK]

Originally Posted by dragonflysw

Well....I am glad that you have put so much thought into this. Seems to me like your heart and your gut are trying to tell you something. As for the state assistance, my sister had to get assistance during and after her pregnancy and my whole family reassured and supported her because as they stated.....'We have worked all of our lives and never been remotely able to qualify for assistance.....look at this as we, your family, are helping you with this baby, not the state!'. And my family is so correct......whether you or someone you knows is on assistance, your taxes are still going toward this program and a lot of people never get to take advantage of this assistance because they don't need it. People like you that do deserve it, should take advantage that it is offered....don't abuse the system, but let the system work for you and help you until you are in a better situation. Let your heart make the decision for you no matter what the decision might me. Good luck and keep us up to date!!! Praying for you!!

There is no shame in being poor. There is shame in being rich when there are poor people around you.

[JeanieK]

Originally Posted by kriston

I became a mommy at 18. I worked full time and still managed to go to college at night and got a degree in elementary education. My parents took care of my son in the evenings while I went to school. I applied for food stamps when my son was two and was declined because I earned $5.00 per month too much. We ate lots of soup and crackers for 7 years, and it was difficult, but twenty-three years later I am very happily married with a total of 3 children. I guess what I am saying to you is that if you are determined and set your mind to it, there is nothing you can't accomplish, especially when you look into those innocent little adoring eyes and want everything in the world for that precious little child of yours. That is a mutual and unconditional love and I assure you it is all that will pull you through some days. As a single parent, you will be so consumed with your baby that you will wonder what you ever did with your time before the birth. You sound very intelligent and given that, I know that if you want it bad enough, you can and WILL do it successfully. Good luck with your pregnancy and the birth of your precious child. Please keep us posted on your progress!

I raised 6 kids and put myself through college. We ate a lot of cheap hotdogs and Mac and Cheese. My ex paid $500 a month support for 6 kids.

[JeanieK]

Originally Posted by LuvMySissy

It seems to me that you have really thought this through - and you are wise far beyond your years!

You are so right in saying that if everyone waiting until they were financially secure to have kids - there would be very few in this world.

As far as financial help goes - you didn't get pregnant on purpose. Wherever there is assistance being offered, you should get it if you really need it. You have been a taxpayer, too. But, whether or not the "father" wants to be a part of this child's life - he has an obligation here too. If he is able to pay child support, then I would start there. I am of the mind that there are consequences for every action and if others keep you free of those consequences, they are just paving the way for you to continue to be irresponsible (JMO).

Remember there are sacrifices necessary for all good things in life. Congratulations on your little girl.

Children and yorkies are well worth the sacrifice. we don't get to choose everything that happens to us. We only get to choose how we deal with what has been handed to us.