Mothers of adult sons am I wrong... - YorkieTalk.com Forums

Bruce's_Mom · 10-11-2006, 02:49 PM

Well as some of you know I have had this very long, intense on again off again relationship with this guy who is 25 years old...His mother has almost always been directly involved in many of our problems...Well today I had it, I think this really seals the deal that it is over forever...

As you all know I am in the process of having to appeal my bar exam results (that damn 1/2 point) so he was going to help with the process since he passed and we had been in school together, he passed, etc...I really needed his support. Well after he had cancelled our date for the day today so he could "go relax with mom" he called and telled me he was not showing up for my appeal stuff because his mom decided he shouldn't because despite this being an extremely emotional situation for me, despite the fact this whole ordeal has emotionally paralyzed me and I have not eaten or slept in days, it was more important for him to attend dinner with her and her boyfriend than to help me, and so he agreed and basically refuses help. Which I needed the support I think more than they needed him at the Old Spaghetti Factory.

This is not the only similar situation he has skipped every event with my family I have ever invited him to because she wanted him to even Christmas when my family had specially planned things to include him and he decided to just not show up with no warning to me because his mother was not on the invite list. Ditching me when a friend died and I was a wreck to help her take a couch to the salvation army. Skipping my birthday to go have drinks with her at her house etc. He has even told me mom will always be first even if we were married...

In addition she constantly comes up with mental health diagnosis for me when I am upset by these things. He allows his family to just sit around and make fun of me or call me direct names, with no defense only support for their positions...

Now today I got mad and I finally told him no I did not understand the urgency and that I thought his mom was a very selfish person as was he. Now is this wrong? Is this sort of relationship normal? Part of the reason it is so disturbing to me is I am not supposed to be upset about this, but one of our numerous break ups was because he was upset about how much I care about Bruce...Please mom's of adult sons give perspectives because if I am in the wrong I have no problem apologizing.

vainchick5 · 10-11-2006, 02:54 PM

This is completely out of line!!! I hate mommas boys. I like men that respect their parents and treat them well, but for heaven's sake this is an abnormal relationship. He should be moving on with his lilfe, still including his mom of course but now to the point of sabotaging the relationship. You know what Allison? He will only get worse and so will his mother, so i think you should thank your lucky stars that God gave you a definitive sign now so you don't have to suffer later in life.

doortego · 10-11-2006, 02:58 PM

Your problem is not with the mom but with your boyfriend. If he will not stand up for you now, I doubt if he would do it later. I guess I have to take that back, the mom is a problem but only because he lets her be.

I really hate that he abandoned you at such an important time for you. Please don't give up on the fight for your bar exam. Personally I think you need that law license much more than you need him.

I'll never forget the guy that decided to tell my daughter the night before her cpa exam that he had a child he hadn't mentioned before.

If he doesn't love you and treasure you enough to be your support, there is someone else out there that will and you won't find him sitting at home crying about this guy.

Having said all that I realize that I have only heard your side of the situation and you shouldn't take a perfect stranger's advice about something so important to you.

May I share my favorite scripture with you? If not delete quick:

For I know the plans I have for you, saith the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

JeanieK · 10-11-2006, 02:59 PM

Being on the opposite side of a similar relationship, I totally understand.

I am the passive mother with a contolling DIl, who thinks my son should NEVER spend time with his family.

I sympathize with you, whenever any one person is being controlled by another it is not a good situation.

I doubt that it will change so my advice is.

Find a new man.

yorkieangel · 10-11-2006, 03:04 PM

I agree... It's not the MOM it's the SON.
Just remember... if he walks on you NOW... he will always walk on you.

By the way... i would have told him shove it up his @$$

vainchick5 · 10-11-2006, 03:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yorkieangel

By the way... i would have told him shove it up his @$$

Teeheehee, I would have said the same thing or maybe suggested shoving his mom up there..lol...I once dated a mommas boy and I will never ever ever do it again. He was up and running at the first sign of his mothers calling. It was so annoying. So I kicked him to the curb and told him to go spend the rest of his life with mommy dearest. His mom was super nice but it just bothered me the way he would be all up and out as soon as she called.

Allison if he is telling you you will ALWAYS be second, even when you're married, that is a clear sign for you. He's supposed to be showing you his best right now, so if you're not seeing that now, it will only get worse later. You deserve better. Trust me there are lots of guys that love their parents and respect them but aren't glued to them.

RowdysMom · 10-11-2006, 03:25 PM

RUN as fast as you can away from that situation. He has told you that it will never change, that mom will always come first (at least he was honest). Do you really want to live the rest of your life as second fiddle and furthermore, be put down by his family with no support from him? I sure wouldn't.

I know you are upset right now and you have a right to be - but what you need most is support from him and what you are getting is nothing, actually worse than nothing - you are being upset by him.

In the long run you will be much better off without him - even though this is a horrible time for this to happen..........

Good luck sweetie - you'll find Mr. Right (and he ain't it) - give yourself time!

ChestersMom · 10-11-2006, 03:44 PM

1. If you need support right now, come to us. We aren't going to dump you for our mothers; our dogs, maybe, but not our mothers!

2. As the mother of an almost grown male, I hope my son's dates never have anything such as this to say about me.

3. Your life is important. It should be important to him. If he's got his head that far up his mom's A%#, it ain't never coming out.

4. If you're smart enough to only be 1/2 a point from passing the bar exam, scr@* him. Go out and find someone worth your time.

You sound like an extremely intelligent woman and as such, deserve someone who treats you like you are. Hang in there girl, you're young. Turn around and run - not walk - and don't look back.

Keep singing the song us oldies love - I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!

PS Any man jealous of a dog obviously has no self esteem.

SweetCuteness · 10-11-2006, 03:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doortego

Your problem is not with the mom but with your boyfriend. If he will not stand up for you now, I doubt if he would do it later. I guess I have to take that back, the mom is a problem but only because he lets her be.

I really hate that he abandoned you at such an important time for you. Please don't give up on the fight for your bar exam. Personally I think you need that law license much more than you need him.

I'll never forget the guy that decided to tell my daughter the night before her cpa exam that he had a child he hadn't mentioned before.

If he doesn't love you and treasure you enough to be your support, there is someone else out there that will and you won't find him sitting at home crying about this guy.

Having said all that I realize that I have only heard your side of the situation and you shouldn't take a perfect stranger's advice about something so important to you.

May I share my favorite scripture with you? If not delete quick:

For I know the plans I have for you, saith the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Great post!

JCarlson2004 · 10-11-2006, 03:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RowdysMom

RUN as fast as you can away from that situation.

Well said!

GucciMyGirl · 10-11-2006, 03:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bruce's_Mom

Well as some of you know I have had this very long, intense on again off again relationship with this guy who is 25 years old...His mother has almost always been directly involved in many of our problems...Well today I had it, I think this really seals the deal that it is over forever...

As you all know I am in the process of having to appeal my bar exam results (that damn 1/2 point) so he was going to help with the process since he passed and we had been in school together, he passed, etc...I really needed his support. Well after he had cancelled our date for the day today so he could "go relax with mom" he called and telled me he was not showing up for my appeal stuff because his mom decided he shouldn't because despite this being an extremely emotional situation for me, despite the fact this whole ordeal has emotionally paralyzed me and I have not eaten or slept in days, it was more important for him to attend dinner with her and her boyfriend than to help me, and so he agreed and basically refuses help. Which I needed the support I think more than they needed him at the Old Spaghetti Factory.

This is not the only similar situation he has skipped every event with my family I have ever invited him to because she wanted him to even Christmas when my family had specially planned things to include him and he decided to just not show up with no warning to me because his mother was not on the invite list. Ditching me when a friend died and I was a wreck to help her take a couch to the salvation army. Skipping my birthday to go have drinks with her at her house etc. He has even told me mom will always be first even if we were married...

In addition she constantly comes up with mental health diagnosis for me when I am upset by these things. He allows his family to just sit around and make fun of me or call me direct names, with no defense only support for their positions...

Now today I got mad and I finally told him no I did not understand the urgency and that I thought his mom was a very selfish person as was he. Now is this wrong? Is this sort of relationship normal? Part of the reason it is so disturbing to me is I am not supposed to be upset about this, but one of our numerous break ups was because he was upset about how much I care about Bruce...Please mom's of adult sons give perspectives because if I am in the wrong I have no problem apologizing.

HONEY RUN AS FAR AWAY AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN!!! This woman will always dominate her son, and he seems to be a mamas boy... Your young and you have a wonderful future ahead of you. There are plenty of fish in the sea!! I am talking to you as if I were talking to my own daughter. Btw I have a son, and that is not normal behavior.... Good Luck!!

Tophersmom · 10-11-2006, 04:01 PM

I have never seen anything good come out of a relationship where the man (or woman) did not put their partner FIRST AND FOREMOST.

If this man doesn't consider your feelings or doesn't stand behind you to support you now, I would have to say that this relationship will give you nothing but heartache down the road.

I agree that the problem isn't with his mother...the problem is with him. If he cannot stand up to his mother now, he never will...if he cannot see what hold his mother has on him...then I'm afraid you will always come second. That is no place for a wife (or girlfriend)

It will hurt to end the relationship...that is to be expected...but I think for your future happiness that it's necessary. If he puts his mom before you, then he needs to hit the curb.

StewiesMom · 10-11-2006, 04:13 PM

I'm sorry he treated you that way. Very wrong in my eyes.

for research purposes alone, is this guy a Cancer?

red98vett · 10-11-2006, 04:20 PM

Dinner with mommy vs being there with you on a very important day ?

Gee...let me think.

I'll just say DUMP him - he may be great now and you may not like the idea of not seeing him - - but if you stayed in this relationship ....just wait till you get married - if you're having these kinds of problems now.....that's when it gets really bad . Honestly - he's 25 and a grown man - mom is a grown WOMAN who should want her son living his own life - but that sure doesn't seem to be the case.

and if they make fun of you and HE LETS THEM - then it's time for you to find someone who will respect YOU ....FOR YOU. No one needs that kind of BS in their life - if he's already telling you that you will always be 2nd - then he isn't the man for you - We can tell someone our DOGS come first - but that's totally different lol - TOTALLY.

If his mom were seriously ill - then I'd understand that thinking ...but if it's just cause he's whupped - then you need a man with a BACKBONE who can make his own decisions based on who is important in his life away (and I don't mean the mom)

It's head games with mothers like that - they get satisfaction knowing their kid will come running and it makes them feel important. Sick - but true.

red98vett · 10-11-2006, 04:27 PM

off my horse now - if you really care for him - why not try NOT asking him to family things or just in general - things he knows are important to you -

just be independant and see what happens - you can just make your own plans and let him see how it feels NOT to be invited if he acts like he does - maybe it'll turn him around in the way he thinks ???

10-11-2006, 02:49 PM	#1
Bruce's_Mom YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Posts: 731	Mothers of adult sons am I wrong... Well as some of you know I have had this very long, intense on again off again relationship with this guy who is 25 years old...His mother has almost always been directly involved in many of our problems...Well today I had it, I think this really seals the deal that it is over forever... As you all know I am in the process of having to appeal my bar exam results (that damn 1/2 point) so he was going to help with the process since he passed and we had been in school together, he passed, etc...I really needed his support. Well after he had cancelled our date for the day today so he could "go relax with mom" he called and telled me he was not showing up for my appeal stuff because his mom decided he shouldn't because despite this being an extremely emotional situation for me, despite the fact this whole ordeal has emotionally paralyzed me and I have not eaten or slept in days, it was more important for him to attend dinner with her and her boyfriend than to help me, and so he agreed and basically refuses help. Which I needed the support I think more than they needed him at the Old Spaghetti Factory. This is not the only similar situation he has skipped every event with my family I have ever invited him to because she wanted him to even Christmas when my family had specially planned things to include him and he decided to just not show up with no warning to me because his mother was not on the invite list. Ditching me when a friend died and I was a wreck to help her take a couch to the salvation army. Skipping my birthday to go have drinks with her at her house etc. He has even told me mom will always be first even if we were married... In addition she constantly comes up with mental health diagnosis for me when I am upset by these things. He allows his family to just sit around and make fun of me or call me direct names, with no defense only support for their positions... Now today I got mad and I finally told him no I did not understand the urgency and that I thought his mom was a very selfish person as was he. Now is this wrong? Is this sort of relationship normal? Part of the reason it is so disturbing to me is I am not supposed to be upset about this, but one of our numerous break ups was because he was upset about how much I care about Bruce...Please mom's of adult sons give perspectives because if I am in the wrong I have no problem apologizing. __________________ Bruce's Dogster Page http://www.dogster.com/?177273

10-11-2006, 02:54 PM	#2
vainchick5 YT 6000 Club Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: CA Posts: 6,485	This is completely out of line!!! I hate mommas boys. I like men that respect their parents and treat them well, but for heaven's sake this is an abnormal relationship. He should be moving on with his lilfe, still including his mom of course but now to the point of sabotaging the relationship. You know what Allison? He will only get worse and so will his mother, so i think you should thank your lucky stars that God gave you a definitive sign now so you don't have to suffer later in life. __________________ Mommy to Coco and Rocco

10-11-2006, 02:58 PM	#3
doortego Little Bit & Buttons Donating Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Texas Posts: 2,098	Yep, I've got one of those adult sons Your problem is not with the mom but with your boyfriend. If he will not stand up for you now, I doubt if he would do it later. I guess I have to take that back, the mom is a problem but only because he lets her be. I really hate that he abandoned you at such an important time for you. Please don't give up on the fight for your bar exam. Personally I think you need that law license much more than you need him. I'll never forget the guy that decided to tell my daughter the night before her cpa exam that he had a child he hadn't mentioned before. If he doesn't love you and treasure you enough to be your support, there is someone else out there that will and you won't find him sitting at home crying about this guy. Having said all that I realize that I have only heard your side of the situation and you shouldn't take a perfect stranger's advice about something so important to you. May I share my favorite scripture with you? If not delete quick: For I know the plans I have for you, saith the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

10-11-2006, 02:59 PM	#4
JeanieK Donating YT 6000 Club Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Council Bluffs Iowa Posts: 7,670	Being on the opposite side of a similar relationship, I totally understand. I am the passive mother with a contolling DIl, who thinks my son should NEVER spend time with his family. I sympathize with you, whenever any one person is being controlled by another it is not a good situation. I doubt that it will change so my advice is. Find a new man. __________________ Ollie Chachi Hallie Harlie & Me CircleKRanchYorkies.com]

10-11-2006, 03:04 PM	#5
yorkieangel Rescue Angel Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: md Posts: 1,530	I agree... It's not the MOM it's the SON. Just remember... if he walks on you NOW... he will always walk on you. By the way... i would have told him shove it up his @$$ __________________ Yorkieangel

10-11-2006, 03:25 PM	#7
RowdysMom Donating YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: Central Texas Posts: 2,309	RUN as fast as you can away from that situation. He has told you that it will never change, that mom will always come first (at least he was honest). Do you really want to live the rest of your life as second fiddle and furthermore, be put down by his family with no support from him? I sure wouldn't. I know you are upset right now and you have a right to be - but what you need most is support from him and what you are getting is nothing, actually worse than nothing - you are being upset by him. In the long run you will be much better off without him - even though this is a horrible time for this to happen.......... Good luck sweetie - you'll find Mr. Right (and he ain't it) - give yourself time! __________________ Rex & Rowdy's Mom

10-11-2006, 03:44 PM	#8
ChestersMom YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Bacliff, TX Posts: 943	1. If you need support right now, come to us. We aren't going to dump you for our mothers; our dogs, maybe, but not our mothers! 2. As the mother of an almost grown male, I hope my son's dates never have anything such as this to say about me. 3. Your life is important. It should be important to him. If he's got his head that far up his mom's A%#, it ain't never coming out. 4. If you're smart enough to only be 1/2 a point from passing the bar exam, scr@* him. Go out and find someone worth your time. You sound like an extremely intelligent woman and as such, deserve someone who treats you like you are. Hang in there girl, you're young. Turn around and run - not walk - and don't look back. Keep singing the song us oldies love - I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR! PS Any man jealous of a dog obviously has no self esteem.

10-11-2006, 04:01 PM	#12
Tophersmom Donating YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Sault Ste. Marie Ontario Canada Posts: 860	I have never seen anything good come out of a relationship where the man (or woman) did not put their partner FIRST AND FOREMOST. If this man doesn't consider your feelings or doesn't stand behind you to support you now, I would have to say that this relationship will give you nothing but heartache down the road. I agree that the problem isn't with his mother...the problem is with him. If he cannot stand up to his mother now, he never will...if he cannot see what hold his mother has on him...then I'm afraid you will always come second. That is no place for a wife (or girlfriend) It will hurt to end the relationship...that is to be expected...but I think for your future happiness that it's necessary. If he puts his mom before you, then he needs to hit the curb. __________________ VAL, TOPHER AND SOPHIE http://www.dogster.com/pet_page.php?j=t&i=295683

10-11-2006, 04:13 PM	#13
StewiesMom Stewie Rox the Sox Donating Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Chicago (Bridgeport) Posts: 6,290	I'm sorry he treated you that way. Very wrong in my eyes. for research purposes alone, is this guy a Cancer? __________________ Kristy & Stewie

10-11-2006, 04:20 PM	#14
red98vett Yorkie Kisses are the Best! Donating Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Houston TX Posts: 30,380	Dinner with mommy vs being there with you on a very important day ? Gee...let me think. I'll just say DUMP him - he may be great now and you may not like the idea of not seeing him - - but if you stayed in this relationship ....just wait till you get married - if you're having these kinds of problems now.....that's when it gets really bad . Honestly - he's 25 and a grown man - mom is a grown WOMAN who should want her son living his own life - but that sure doesn't seem to be the case. and if they make fun of you and HE LETS THEM - then it's time for you to find someone who will respect YOU ....FOR YOU. No one needs that kind of BS in their life - if he's already telling you that you will always be 2nd - then he isn't the man for you - We can tell someone our DOGS come first - but that's totally different lol - TOTALLY. If his mom were seriously ill - then I'd understand that thinking ...but if it's just cause he's whupped - then you need a man with a BACKBONE who can make his own decisions based on who is important in his life away (and I don't mean the mom) It's head games with mothers like that - they get satisfaction knowing their kid will come running and it makes them feel important. Sick - but true. __________________ Villette, Chanel & Cheri.. AKA Spy-Girls (photos here) Click for LABELS Click for CARDS * SAY NO to PET STORES ! www.designsbyvillette.com USING YOUR PHOTOS !

10-11-2006, 04:27 PM	#15
red98vett Yorkie Kisses are the Best! Donating Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Houston TX Posts: 30,380	off my horse now - if you really care for him - why not try NOT asking him to family things or just in general - things he knows are important to you - just be independant and see what happens - you can just make your own plans and let him see how it feels NOT to be invited if he acts like he does - maybe it'll turn him around in the way he thinks ??? __________________ Villette, Chanel & Cheri.. AKA Spy-Girls (photos here) Click for LABELS Click for CARDS * SAY NO to PET STORES ! www.designsbyvillette.com USING YOUR PHOTOS !