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09-08-2006, 07:16 AM | #1 |
I heart Hootie & Hobbs Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: USA
Posts: 7,149
| Visitor's Guide to Birmingham, AL I thought this was cute, but I didn't know whether to post it here on the "Off Topic" board or on the "Southeast" board. VISITORS GUIDE TO BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It's "Bur-min-ham." Driving Information: Bur-min-ham has its own version of traffic rules... 1. The truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. (Note: Blue haired ladies driving anything have the right-of-way anytime). 2. To find any place in the city, it is required that you know where Malfunction Junction is...it is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. It is one of only two "cloverleaf" formation interchanges in the world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid enough to implement it again...Atlanta...making them dumber than we are. (The one in Atlanta is referred to as "spaghetti junction"). 3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 p.m. To 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning and runs through Saturday noon. If the term "merging delays" is ever used by the radio/TV traffic reporter...even in passing...call into work and tell them you will be at least 30 minutes late regardless of where you are in your commute. 4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very least) rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. This applies to male and female drivers alike. 5. You must know that I-459, I-59, I-20, and I-65 are the same road they just loop around the city. We think this was a ploy to confuse outsiders and discourage visitors after the War of Northern Aggression. 6. Always, always, always, find out if it is a race weekend (at the Talladega Speedway) before you get on any of these roads to travel somewhere. If it is a race weekend, stay home or go to the races. You won't be going anywhere else. 7. Construction is a permanent fixture in Bur-min-ham. The orange barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting. 8. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs, cones, barrels, cows, horses, potholes, cats, armadillos, pieces of other cars, oppossum, truck tires, racoons, squirrels, rabbits, and crows or vultures feeding on any of these items. 9. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated." 10. The minimum acceptable speed on I-65 (see item 5 above) is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is the Alabama State Highway sponsored version of NASCAR especially during rush hour (see item 3 above) when everyone is driving 85 mph at once...bumper to bumper. If you are in the left lane going 70 mph in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard, and will be "flipped a bird" accordingly. 11. Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in traffic who is applying make up, talking on a cell phone, drinking a diet Coke, smoking a Marlboro, and maintaining a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65 in rush hour traffic. If she is coming from North of Bur-min-ham, she might be packing. If she is coming from South of Bur-min-ham, she IS packing and she is not afraid to use it. Weather Information 1. If it's 110 degrees, next weekend must be Thanksgiving. 2. If it's 10-20 degrees and sleeting/snowing, then watch out! Bur-min-ham residents consider this "demolition derby day" and will be all over the roads...front ways, side ways, back ways, etc. Please proceed with caution as you could be their next target. Seasonal Information 1. If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it's Spring. 2. If you need to let the car "get some air" by standing next to it with the doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper body inside to crank it and get the air going, it's Summer. 3. If you are sweating even with the windows down, driving 55 mph, it's Fall. 4. If you finally turn the AC off and roll up your windows, it's Winter. General Information: (and these are very important) 1. Do not ever speak during the song "Sweet Home Alabama" unless it is to sing along with the lyrics. This is like the State Song (no one knows the official state song ) and will erupt into a brawl if everyone doesn't show "proper respect" to the band who gave us "Free Bird." This is especially true if alcohol is present (Notice: I didn't say "sold at this event" but present). 2. Yes, we know that Vulcan is mooning the entire city. It's not that funny to us anymore. 3. If you ask someone for a "coke," they will immediately ask you, "What kind?" This is not a trick question. Tell them what you want: Sprite, Dr. Pepper, Root Beer, etc. -- they're all "coke." 4. All tea is sweet. If it's not sweet, you have crossed the Mason Dixon Line and are in the North. YA'LL COME VISIT, YA HEAH! |
Welcome Guest! | |
09-08-2006, 07:59 AM | #2 |
Yorkie Kisses are the Best! Donating Member | LOLOLOLOLOL !!! That is sooooooo funny I need to send that to my friend - thank you ! |
09-08-2006, 08:36 AM | #3 | |||||||||||
Donating YT 10K Club Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Alabama
Posts: 11,432
| Well now you know I just CAN'T resists! Quote:
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09-08-2006, 08:42 AM | #4 |
Donating YT 10K Club Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Alabama
Posts: 11,432
| I feel the need to add a few more guidelines, if you don't mind. 1) I do NOT know Ruben Studdard, Bo Bice or Taylor Hicks personally. Stop asking. 2) Or Courtney Cox for that matter. 3) Yes, Dreamland BBQ really IS that good. 4) Declaring your allegience for one of the 2 major football teams here is not an option, it's a REQUIREMENT. 5) There is no Greenbo County...although I have not heard that one in a while. |
09-08-2006, 09:13 AM | #5 | |
I heart Hootie & Hobbs Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: USA
Posts: 7,149
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SO TRUE!!!!!!! I get these ALL the time!!!!!!!!! LOVES IT! | |
09-08-2006, 09:40 AM | #6 |
YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Mississippi
Posts: 1,459
| Okay, I have some responses to these: 1) Yes, they are NOT misleading you on the reservation deal when it's race week-end. First time we went, we didn't know (man, I wish I had known you 2 then!) and went to Outback to eat - waited almost 2 hours to eat!!! Should've made reservations - heck, the wait at IHOP the next morning was almost 30 minutes - and that was at 7:30! 2) Traffic can be messy, especially during the rush hour times mentioned and, of course, race week-ends. Luckily, we were with friends who had been to 'Dega before and knew back roads - still had traffic but not near as bad as I-65 and I-20!! 3) The song, "Sweet Home Alabama" can also cause you to get slapped by some in Mississippi too! 4) I already pledge my allegiance to one of the schools in Alabama. And when they say it is a requirement to pick one - they mean ONLY one!!! 5) Weather is the same over my way too - gotta get some air when it's all hot, humid and stazy (steamy & hazy) outside! These were great guys!! Thanks for sharing them
__________________ Suzi - mom to Gabby and Gage For Mickey |
09-08-2006, 10:31 AM | #7 | |
Donating YT 10K Club Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Alabama
Posts: 11,432
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09-08-2006, 10:35 AM | #8 | |
I heart Hootie & Hobbs Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: USA
Posts: 7,149
| You know what my pet peave is? When someone attends Auburn University and says they're an Alabama fan or vice versa. That just burns me up!! Quote:
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09-08-2006, 10:42 AM | #9 | |
Donating YT 10K Club Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Alabama
Posts: 11,432
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TRUE die hard fans would willingly sacrifice their own happiness, future, health and well-being to keep from every being associated with doing anything to support the Dark Side. Sad, but true. | |
09-08-2006, 01:01 PM | #10 | |
YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Mississippi
Posts: 1,459
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__________________ Suzi - mom to Gabby and Gage For Mickey | |
09-08-2006, 01:08 PM | #11 | |
Donating YT 10K Club Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Alabama
Posts: 11,432
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But careful...RLC is for them. | |
09-08-2006, 01:12 PM | #12 | |
I heart Hootie & Hobbs Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: USA
Posts: 7,149
| You got that right! I AM for them. My dad told me that I could go to college anywhere I wanted, but he was only going to pay for me to go to AUBURN! I graduated from there, my sibligs go there, my hubby is an alum, both of my parents are alum, my grandparents are alum, hubby's parents are alum, and hubby's grandparents are alum. Did I really have a choice?! Quote:
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09-08-2006, 01:19 PM | #13 | |
Donating YT 10K Club Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Alabama
Posts: 11,432
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09-08-2006, 08:39 PM | #14 | |
Donating YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Florida
Posts: 3,436
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Okay Rececca so since you know I am from Huntsville Alabama (and I really would rather not claim it) you know I can laugh at this and think it is funny! GOOD STUFF!!!
__________________ Caren, mommy to Murphy and Mia Murphy WUVS his girlfriend Trixie | |
09-08-2006, 08:50 PM | #15 |
My Little Biker Dude Donating Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Alabama
Posts: 2,065
| Oscar is their #1 Fan! I whipped this up for him today...he is stylin!!!
__________________ ******************** Debbie G. - Oscar's Mom ********** PRAYERS FOR ALL THOSE KICKING CANCER'S BUTT!!! ****************** RIP SHARON 8-10-63 to 9-21-08 |
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