Dealing with the EX

[yougetthesmiles]

I know you all have heard of me talk about my 16 yr old, I have a question for you all.
She has pretty much nothing to do with her real dad, he does not bother to contact her, she dosent go over to see him at all and he seems to really not care. Now my other 2 children are by the same man, we were married 11 yrs and he does see them on his everyother weekend but never calls them. He is remarried and now has 2 more children. The reason my oldest does not see him is cause of his new wife, she constantly belittles me in front of the kids and Branda wants nothing to do with her. It's like this lady is threatened by me, even though I left him and want nothing to do with him and I'm happily re-married.
So my oldest daughter calls him (her dad) "sperm donor" when someone ask her, "so how is your dad doing?" she will say, "ohh you mean the sperm donor?" She has asked to have her last name changed and her real dad told her that what ever she wanted to do was fine with him. She even asked if she can call her step dad, "dad" and she wants to take him last name. I'm so baffled that Branda's real dad would allow this, I know she is hurt by him. On her 16th B-Day this man didnt even send her a card, or call her to wish her a happy b-day. I'm so ticked off at him that he would do this to her.
So my ??? to you all is, should I let her change her last name? And would her real dad have to sign off on her? And where do we go to do this? The court house?
and will she regret this when she gets older? I'm torn!

[RowdysMom]

I don't know any of the what/how/where particulars - but I do think that I would let my 16 year old make the decision. I certainly would let her call stepdad - Dad. I would let her change her name. She can always change it back when she gets older, if she changes her mind, but she probably won't.

My daughter is closer to her step dad (my current husband) than her real dad, who pretty much liike your ex, ignores her. I think it used to bother her more, but now that she is 30 and has her own family - she just pretty much ignores it.

My real dad didn't have anything to do with me either and when my mom remarried, my stepdad adopted me (I was only 7) and I never once regretted being adopted or having my name changed.

[mylittletigger]

Ok, I understand completely how you'd be upset or even confused. My dad died when I was eleven but I have his last name. He was my hero and a great father. but My real mom is the one I have BIG issues with. She's alive but I haven't seen her in fourteen years I think? I've spoken to her a couple of times but I can't stand her.

My advise is this... her "dad" is fine with it. Even if he does have to sign off on it, at least your daughter will be much happier. You shouldn't care how he feels about it, and I understand you don't want her to regret it later, but I can tell you this. She doesn't like him now, she probably never will. I would let her change it.

I too have a step dad (my step mom remarried after my daddy died) and I consider him my dad now. My real dad is my daddy, and my step dad is my dad. I understand her calling him a sperm donor cause that's exactly how he's acting and what he is. To be a dad you have to actually be active in that persons life. He isn't. You have every right to be ticked at him. But Please let your daughter change her last name. If I had my real moms last name I'd be miserable. I hate her with a passion. so for your daughters comfort and peace of mind I say go for it. It shouldn't cost that much.

[LuvMySissy]

This is a really tough issue. There are fathers out there who are really clueless and are missing out on great kids because of it!!

My dad had virtually nothing to do with us when he and my mom divorced (I was 12 and the oldest of 5 children back in the early 70's). He married our neighbor (VERY long story) two years later, but they were involved prior to the end of both of their marriages. It is my feeling that my stepmother was very threatened by us because we were older and knew what had transpired - but her children were younger and only believe the lies they had been told. When there is such animosity between a parent and child - I'm not sure there is anything you can do to repair it. She is old enough to have the right to decide for herself whether she wants to be with him or not. It sounds like she has already been very hurt by him. From personal experience, I'd make sure this is what she really wants and then go for it. She will probably always have some level of regret (it is the nature of the beast), but perhaps this will allow her to move forward and heal.

Usually, if your daughter changes her name, it would be because your husband is officially adopting her, meaning that her father has signed off parental rights - which also means that he is no longer responsible for child support, insurance or anything else monetary for her.

Name changes are done by petition. Check the internet and see what you can find out here. I wish all of you the best of luck here. I hope you all find happiness.

[yougetthesmiles]

Originally Posted by mylittletigger

Ok, I understand completely how you'd be upset or even confused. My dad died when I was eleven but I have his last name. He was my hero and a great father. but My real mom is the one I have BIG issues with. She's alive but I haven't seen her in fourteen years I think? I've spoken to her a couple of times but I can't stand her.

My advise is this... her "dad" is fine with it. Even if he does have to sign off on it, at least your daughter will be much happier. You shouldn't care how he feels about it, and I understand you don't want her to regret it later, but I can tell you this. She doesn't like him now, she probably never will. I would let her change it.

I too have a step dad (my step mom remarried after my daddy died) and I consider him my dad now. My real dad is my daddy, and my step dad is my dad. I understand her calling him a sperm donor cause that's exactly how he's acting and what he is. To be a dad you have to actually be active in that persons life. He isn't. You have every right to be ticked at him. But Please let your daughter change her last name. If I had my real moms last name I'd be miserable. I hate her with a passion. so for your daughters comfort and peace of mind I say go for it. It shouldn't cost that much.

I don't understand how a woman can carry a baby in side her for 9 months and then just abandon her like your mom did to you, I'm so sorry for that! I love my children with all my heart and there is just no way in hell I would ever do something like that, and for my childrens father to act like this, I just wish I could understand him and why he chooses to be like this.

[JeanieK]

Yes, as long as her real dad is willing to allow it, and I believe that he would have to sign papers..

One thing to consider. Does he pay child suppor for her. If he signs her over to her step Dad, and your husband adopts her then he will not be obligated to pay child support.

I doubt the she wil regret it, most girls get their names changed when they marry anyway.

My two youngest girls were only 3 when their Dad left the picture, and the used to sign their names with their step dads last name when they were in school. I was getting child support and needed it or I would have allowed them to change it legally.

All 4 of my younger girls call my husband "Dad", only one of them has any contact with their "sperm doner".

[Peters]

well you could tell her to wait until she turns 18 then she can change it if she still really wants to but i don't see how a parent could just basically forget a child no matter what their ages!

[yougetthesmiles]

Originally Posted by JeanieK

Yes, as long as her real dad is willing todf allow it, and I believe that he would have to sign papers..

One thing to consider. Does he pay child suppor for her. If he signs her over to her step Dad, and your husband adopts her then he will not be obligated to pay child support.

I doubt the she wil regret it, most girls get their names changed when they marry anyway.

My two youngest girls were only 3 when their Dad left the picture, and the used to sign their names with their step dads last name when they were in school. I was getting child support and needed it or I would have allowed them to change it legally.

All 4 of my younger girls call my husband "Dad", only one of them has any contact with their "sperm doner".

well I get a whole whooping $100/wk for 3 kids! I set this amount back when we got divorced, the reason was he was not working at the time so I wanted to go easy on him, plus the judge said it had to be set at min wage since he was not working. I felt I left him so I didnt want to financially strap him down, but this has been 3 years ago and I have never had it motified. I went to the court house to have it motified and they told me he had 7 garnishments on him, so I figured they may not let me motify it, and if I did I had a chance of it getting even lowered! So I left it be!

[Yorkie3]

Originally Posted by yougetthesmiles

I don't understand how a woman can carry a baby in side her for 9 months and then just abandon her like your mom did to you, I'm so sorry for that! I love my children with all my heart and there is just no way in hell I would ever do something like that, and for my childrens father to act like this, I just wish I could understand him and why he chooses to be like this.

Have you ever asked him right out why he isn't more envolved with her Missy? I'd be curious too if I were you, but I'd be asking. Does he not care for her as he does the younger two? Is he afraid of her in some way?

[JeanieK]

Originally Posted by yougetthesmiles

well I get a whole whooping $100/wk for 3 kids! I set this amount back when we got divorced, the reason was he was not working at the time so I wanted to go easy on him, plus the judge said it had to be set at min wage since he was not working. I felt I left him so I didnt want to financially strap him down, but this has been 3 years ago and I have never had it motified. I went to the court house to have it motified and they told me he had 7 garnishments on him, so I figured they may not let me motify it, and if I did I had a chance of it getting even lowered! So I left it be!

I was getting $500 a month for 6 kids. But the silly man thought it would decrese as each kid turned 18. HA it stayed the same untill the twins turned 19. In the state of Nebraska the legal age is 19 so he had to pay a whole year longer.

[yougetthesmiles]

Originally Posted by Yorkie3

Have you ever asked him right out why he isn't more envolved with her Missy? I'd be curious too if I were you, but I'd be asking. Does he not care for her as he does the younger two? Is he afraid of her in some way?

I have asked him and he just blows me off. He just don't seem to care and I dont know how he cant care for his 1st born, he was with her for the 1st 11 years of her life. She used to spend time with him until the new wife got in the picture and now Branda dispies this woman.

[peanut]

I know what you are going through, my daughter (22) has a little bit better relationship with her dad than my son (21)..I don't think he has seen or spoken to him in 3 years...He has been remarried for about 10 years and has a new family also, He just forgot he had 2 older kids, & the stepmom never really cared about either one, maybe it was cause she was almost the same age...8 years older ...You can't be bitter, but you need to make sure she makes the decision to change her name...I think you have to be 18 to legally do it without his consent...It is a very tough road, and my heart goes out to you and your children, its not fair, but I think it makes them alittle stronger, and they see how some people really are early in life...believe me if I could of somehow not let them go through all of this I would have, but there is nothing you really can do, talking to him will not help so don't waste your time...Just hang in there, my prayers are with your family.....

[LuvMySissy]

Originally Posted by yougetthesmiles

I have asked him and he just blows me off. He just don't seem to care and I dont know how he cant care for his 1st born, he was with her for the 1st 11 years of her life. She used to spend time with him until the new wife got in the picture and now Branda dispies this woman.

I hate to say this, but many times the new spouse is calling the shots when it comes to other children, especially older ones. For whatever reason they feel threatened. Obviously Branda stands up for herself and for you - so he probably feels like he can't do anything about it. Totally DOES NOT EXCUSE HIS BEHAVIOR, but it happens more than you would think. By allowing this to continue, he is throwing away any relationship with her probably forever. I really have no tolerance for chickens**t men married to neurotic b*tches who aren't woman enough to love and care for a child from the man they supposedly love!!!

[peanut]

Originally Posted by LuvMySissy

I hate to say this, but many times the new spouse is calling the shots when it comes to other children, especially older ones. For whatever reason they feel threatened. Obviously Branda stands up for herself and for you - so he probably feels like he can't do anything about it. Totally DOES NOT EXCUSE HIS BEHAVIOR, but it happens more than you would think. By allowing this to continue, he is throwing away any relationship with her probably forever. I really have no tolerance for chickens**t men married to neurotic b*tches who aren't woman enough to love and care for a child from the man they supposedly love!!!

[yougetthesmiles]

Originally Posted by LuvMySissy

I hate to say this, but many times the new spouse is calling the shots when it comes to other children, especially older ones. For whatever reason they feel threatened. Obviously Branda stands up for herself and for you - so he probably feels like he can't do anything about it. Totally DOES NOT EXCUSE HIS BEHAVIOR, but it happens more than you would think. By allowing this to continue, he is throwing away any relationship with her probably forever. I really have no tolerance for chickens**t men married to neurotic b*tches who aren't woman enough to love and care for a child from the man they supposedly love!!!

Ohh I agree with you!
This woman has made doctors appt as MY kids mother! My lil 9 yr old fell out of the top of a bunkbed while at her dads house cause they did not have a safety rail on the bed and she broke her collar bone, they didnt even call me till they were leaving the hospital!
So towards the last when she was about to have her brace off, this woman made Haze docs appt and when I found out about it, she canceled it! so I tracked them down and made her pull the car over cause she had my kids in the car, I jumped out of my van and told my kids to get out of the car! she looks at my kids and says, stay in the car! I was like, listen here BI, these are my kids and they are coming with me! so the kids get out of the car and I have Haleigh holding my hand and this woman takes her car and acts like she is going to run me over! then she flips me off and says BI&^%, you are going to pay for this!!!!! I was like.. WTH?
So yeah, she is a little out there if you ask me, so now you know why Branda dont want anything to do with her! The other 2 are just innocent and dont know any better and pretty much are forced to go over there.