Need advice for moms of teens or post teens

[Tiggerwit]

Oh my goodness... what a day.... First I can't find my keys, then my oldest gives me hers. I drop them off at school, come home and find out she took the house key off of it. My cell phone is inside and I'm locked out. I'm wearing my boyfriends flannels and t-shirt since I woke up about 2 minutes before having to drive them to school. Luckily I had grabbed a hat. I go back to the school and ask them to call my kid down.... oh she's not in class today.. You've got to be kidding!!! Neither is her boyfriend. Oh man I'm bent now. So I get a key from my youngest one.... my oldest finally appears and starts sending me all of these bs text messages.... Long story short, she's now started lying to me lately, her 3.8 gpa is now like a .2 (she missed a few weeks from mono - but should be caught up by now). She skipped volleyball practice and lied to me about being there.

What's a mom to do? Tell me how you guys have handled similar situations, etc.

Day just got worse from there so far, I'm pretty sure it's not the 31st but Friday the 13th.

[txshopper73]

Bless your heart. I don't have a teen (yet) but will in a couple of years. I do remember being a teen, though. Make her dump the boyfriend. He sounds like bad news....not that she will but she's putting him before everything else.

[doggieluver]

Originally Posted by txshopper73

Bless your heart. I don't have a teen (yet) but will in a couple of years. I do remember being a teen, though. Make her dump the boyfriend. He sounds like bad news....not that she will but she's putting him before everything else.

I am gonna have to disagree with txshopper73 sorry I was in a relationship with a black guy for 3 of my high school years and my step dad was prejudice and tried to make my mom make my break up and it just made me more rebellious and I wanted to be with him more and in front of my stepdad. So when you tell them to do something they tend to rebel and it gets worse. IMHO

[jkat]

Oh, a parent's worst nightmare!

I've done plenty of that to my parents when I was in highschool (I'm now 27).

I wasn't a "bad" kid but just didn't feel motivated to do anything. While my friends were cramping down the latest lessons and tests, I had my butt planted on our quad, "chillin'". It wasn't until my freshman year in college that I realized that I NEEDED to get motivated or nothing would happen for me.

I know it's very very hard to see them that way. I'd suggest not to overreact (shouting, yelling, throwing things...all the things I did to my parents). Invite her to an outing (coffee house) and chat with her. Or, do something with her (shopping!). That way, you have a chance to ask her what's going on without her going immediately into her defense mode, which I often did when we're at home.

If she was a good student before, I'm sure with a little coaching (not pushing..lol), she'd come around.

Good luck there!!

Kathy

[prncssleah]

Originally Posted by txshopper73

Bless your heart. I don't have a teen (yet) but will in a couple of years. I do remember being a teen, though. Make her dump the boyfriend. He sounds like bad news....not that she will but she's putting him before everything else.

Oooo you can't "make" them do something like that in the teenage years. They'll just get more resentful and lie even more.

I'm not a mom but it wasn't that long ago since I was that age. I kept a pretty good relationship with my mom throughotu highschool but i know she had it rough with my sister. Grounding always worked with us. It made us mad but it worked for our free time. While in school though I think I would have the teachers call you when she's not there. She might get mad at you for "not trusting her" and "always checking up on her" but she's obviously violated your trust and will have to gain it back.

It sounds like it's time to crack down hard. It sound like she's a smart girl she just needs to learn how these choices could impact her future. I hope it all turns out alright.

[medusa512]

wow. i'm sorry to hear about your day!
i'm not a teen mom, but we were all teens once. it may have to do w/the boyfriend. trust your gut on this.
my mom was never the one to say much and she's let me go: boy, were you right about that one!" (i'm 28 now)
however, skipping school, a gpa that has dropped that significantly, and lying are signs your daughter has something going on.
you also mentioned you have a boyfriend. she may be feeling competitive w/him and acting out is her way of saying, "pay ATTentION to Me!" i have a friend who had great self worth until her parents divorced. then she felt ignored by her father and she started doing things like making her self vomit to be able to have him stay with her one on one. (she still does this now and she's 23)

i'm not a therapist by all means, but your daughter is at an age where rebelling seems the cool thing to do. and if that guy she's dating is encouraging her it's even worse for you.

also, if you have been lienient in the past, now is the time to put your foot down. you may want to be the best friend/cool mom, but you are still the mother!!

[jkat]

One more thing to add, sorry.

I agree, don't "make" her dump her boyfriend. It's going to make it worse. She's going to rebel harder than ever because she'd want to prove that "MOM IS WRONG and I'M RIGHT".

"Soft" approach is the best for this age.

[bchgirl]

Originally Posted by jkat

"Soft" approach is the best for this age.

Soft approach nothing....lock her in the dang closet Not really, but if she were mine, her privileges would be history. You earn privileges, they are not rights. If the behavior warrants that a child can not be trusted...they are the cause of lost privileges not YOU. If I had to call school every day, so be it. If I have to call to determine where she was because I don't trust her, so be that too.

Good luck and as the mother of a 13 year old...I ain't looking forward to her getting any older

[jkat]

Originally Posted by bchgirl

Soft approach nothing....lock her in the dang closet Not really, but if she were mine, her privileges would be history. You earn privileges, they are not rights. If the behavior warrants that a child can not be trusted...they are the cause of lost privileges not YOU. If I had to call school every day, so be it. If I have to call to determine where she was because I don't trust her, so be that too.

Good luck and as the mother of a 13 year old...I ain't looking forward to her getting any older

THAT's the "soft" appraoch The hard approach would be throwing things, screaming, yelling, storming out of the house, etc. My parents were not the "soft" approach type.

[Ponyup]

Just some insight from someone that wasn't a teen too long ago. Me and my mom didn't get on at all. The more she tried to control me the more rebellious I got. The more rebellious i got the more she tried to control it was very bad. However, most parents wouldn't of called me a bad kid. My grades were good, I didn't do drugs, I didn't have sex (of any kind), I didn't drink. But they wanted to control everything what I did, the way I dressed, who my friends were. I had a rough time in high school I had no friends and when I finally found friends they were the hoods and my parents didn't want me to hang with them. There could be a multitude of things going on with your daughter and you have to find out what going on, but grounding her or checking up on her will just make her less likely to tell you. Have you met this boyfriend? do you like him? What does she think of your boyfriend? I would imagine she might be trying to get your attention. Kids are like yorkies it doesn't matter if it's good or bad attention is attention. Maybe she having trouble in a class because of what she missed and is too embarrased to tell you? I think talking is a good idea. Do something the 2 of you like to do you haven't done in a while and try to get her to open up.

[scrappysmom]

I have a teenage daughter living at home and caught her in a couple of lies I took away all her privileges for her spring break she had no phone and she couldnt go anywhere boy was she bored shes earning them back slowly she got her phone back and she still cant go out with friends yet .

[mustangbee]

Is she driving????
If she is, put a stop to it, if not let her know she won't be if you can't trust her.
Our oldest daughter thought she could do anything she wanted. NOT!!!
No grades, no car, she didn't like that too much. She slammed her bedroom door, so I took it down, told her she could have it back when she was ready to act her age, and not her shoe size.
When my kids do something I don't like, I always ask them what would you do if your kids did that. As teens they are young adults, they need to learn
we are teaching them to be adults. I will not have them lie to us, we know where they are, and what they are doing at all times. If not, they will be home.
My children are spoiled is what everyone tells me. I don't think so, I have them earn what they have. If they have everything, its because they have earned it. I trust and respect them. It works both ways around here.
My daughter now has two children of her own, she told me she grew up too fast, that being a Mom is not easy. She said she should have stayed in school. I told her parents don't talk just to talk, they talk in hopes their children can hear what they are saying. We have a very stong relationship, it's open and honest, it wasn't easy, but maybe she did hear what we were saying after all.
We have two boys in Pre Med School, and a son and daughter in High School.
I'm sure they have learned something from their oldest sister. Because they are all doing great.

I would sit your daughter down and talk to her. Tell her you have to be able to trust her. She has a cell, who pays the bill? If it's you, take it away, only give it to her when she really needs it.
Teens will always try to see what they can get away with. If you let them, they will walk all over you. Teens really need to know just how important trust is, it will take them far. Best of luck to you.

[txshopper73]

Originally Posted by txshopper73

Bless your heart. I don't have a teen (yet) but will in a couple of years. I do remember being a teen, though. Make her dump the boyfriend. He sounds like bad news....not that she will but she's putting him before everything else.

I stated what I did from my own personal experience. Had a boyfriend in high school. While I kept my grades up, I was slipping in other areas. Controlling Asian mom. Anyway, she made me dump him...WHILE I DID NOT...I ended up realizing later that my parents were right about him.

Meet the guy. I think that your daughter is in puppy love, real love, whatever some may call it. You need to know who your daughter is hanging out with. However, if he's skipping school too, I'd be concerned.

Also, is your daughter on birth control?

[deb4air]

OMG ..i remember a time when I thought my son who was about 13 at the time was in bed ..he was in bed at 9 30 or so as we both got up real early .Next thing ya know i wake up to pee and checked in on him and to my amazement ..he was gone! i was a wreck I was a single mom and tried to stay calm ..looked and he had unlocked the door , so i locked it and sat up for him to return .He did return about 5 am and i found out he was camping with friends in a area real close to our house ,He was upset that he got caught of all things hahaha , i think i ground him for life for that scare ..Thank gawd I didnt know all the things he has done .some things your better off not knowing when they are in there 20's they will tell ya all about them .Only advice i can say is hang in there they all started out so good" ...And no instruction manuals have come with any of them we just do the best we can and know it takes a village to raise a kid "good Luck"

[JeanieK]

I raised 6 kids, been there, done that, heard it all, seen it all, and did most of it myself.

First and foremost, keep a sense of humor. It's the only thing that will get you through.

And you know the part about getting out of bed 2 minutes before taking them to school. Use that to your advantage.

Tell her you are going to call the school every day to make sure she is there, and if she skips one more time, you are going to escort her to school and sit with her all day long, dressed just as you were this morning. And mean it, and do it, if she skips again. And like wise if her grades don't improve.

As for blaming the boyfriend. Your children have their own brain and it is up to them to use it to make wise decisions. His mother might be blaming your daughter.