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10-17-2013, 02:02 AM | #1 |
Donating YT 2000 Club Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Mesquite, TX
Posts: 2,659
| I'm going to scream!!! I need advice My oldest daughter (23 today) is in the Navy. She's a reservist, but has the options of taking orders that put her as active duty for 6-12 months at a time. She was offered the chance to go active duty for 8 months in March of 2014, but she turned it down. Why? Her boyfriend (who lives in another state btw) doesn't want her to go. Because its in Africa. Keep in mind this guy is actually facing prison time for 2 DWI's, and will possibly be there 4 years. He has no job, he's 32 and still a college student, although he claims to have interned for NASA, and he lives off money he receives from the state of Arizona because he's a heart transplant patient. He can't leave arizona to move anywhere, because of his state insurance because if he leaves, he loses it and won't be able to get the same coverage (he's grandfathered in). She pays for his travel back and forth to Texas to see her, as well as food, entertainment, etc while he's here, and if she goes out there, she has to pay for a rental car because he can't drive (2 DWIs and no license or car). Right now, my daughter has 3 part time jobs, just so she can pay her bills. She has no time for personal life, and can't do online school (which the navy pays for) because she doesn't have time to study. Africa means a steady paycheck for 8 months, it's related to the field she's in (she's a master at arms, ie military police) and is studying criminal justice and would like to be a cop later in life, and honestly, it looks better on a resume than 3 part time cashiering jobs, one of which ends after Halloween because it's at Halloween city. So she'll be either trying to increase her hours at target and charming Charlie's to take up the slack, or she'll be looking for another job because right now charming Charlie's is only giving her 4 hours a week. And to me, why the heck would you not want to travel on someone else's dime?? She can see another country and travel to other places and the military pays for it, as well as housing, (she could put her stuff in storage and save on rent and she could put her vehicle in storage as well and have a reduced insurance cost) and full coverage medical insurance. As a reservist, she only has tri-care when she's on her drill weekends. She would also get hazard pay, being its in Africa. His arguement is that it's not safe over there. I pointed out that 1. It's a military base. 2. Its not safe in the US either (Washington DC shooting on BASE!). I think he's being selfish and insecure. (He's very insure, even to the point where he will freak out if she does t answer his calls or texts in a timely manner-she made a google calendar for him to see her work schedules, so he'll know if/when she's at work) He's holding her back, and I don't understand why she's allowing it. Why would anyone who claims to love another, keep them from advancing in their chosen career?? He's actually told her (and me) that when (not if) she gets pregnant, he expects her to leave her family here in Texas and move there to arizona to be with him. It's irritating me, and I feel I should say something to her, but I don't want to alienate her- I was young once and thought I was in love and if my mom had tried to tell me anything about him, I would have defended him and told her where to go....I obviously see things differently now (mom was right) but I don't know how to approach this so she doesn't feel attacked. Any suggestions???
__________________ "You've never learned to live until you've done something for someone for which they can never repay you."~Ralph Hall. Last edited by McheleM; 10-17-2013 at 02:05 AM. |
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10-17-2013, 02:13 AM | #2 |
♡Huey's Human♡ Donating Member Join Date: Nov 2012 Location: Ringgold, Ga
Posts: 3,333
| I have a neice who is a civilian employee at Bremerton AFB in Washington State (who also has a yorkie ) who is currently in Djibouti for a year. (good $$) She is practically a newlywed and took this job for the $$. She left hubby AND yorkie at home! She is on a base and facebooks photos of herself running with the soldiers (she is a very healthy excerciser type person) and posts pics of care packages from her mom & stuff. She has never had any safety issues (that we are aware of) and seems to be enjoying her time there. She got a 2 week leave a couple of months ago & looked great. I think that turning down a steady gig like that for a loser BF (sorry, that's how I read this) is a very bad idea. I would jump at the chance to go overseas and work like that, especially for a limited time period. You can handle ANYTHING if you know when it is gonna end! Just sayin'...
__________________ Huey's mom, Marilyn :When a day starts & ends with puppy kisses, I can handle anything that comes in between! |
10-17-2013, 02:24 AM | #3 |
Donating Senior Yorkie Talker Join Date: Aug 2013 Location: Delaware, OH
Posts: 205
| I am so sorry that you are going through this; it is tough being a parent! All I can offer is that she is your daughter and you will love her no matter what happens. We may not always agree or approve of what our children do, but letting them know that we love them means a lot. I have a daughter who is 30 and is with a person who hits her! He has no job, lives off her and has no intentions of changing. I have talked to her until I am blue in the face, and it does no good. She has a psychiatrist and a counselor and still it does no good. I don't hold back in telling her how I feel as I believe in being totally honest in our relationship. Yes, she does what she wants anyway, but at least she knows how I feel. I'm sorry I am not much help, but your post touched my heart. I hope things get better and be sure to reach out to us if you need to talk. Take care! Katheleen |
10-17-2013, 02:26 AM | #4 |
♥ Piccolo & Vivi ♥ Donating Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Kentucky
Posts: 14,311
| I can see why you are irritated. Don't you wish our children had the innate ability to learn from our mistakes and our wisdom? I do think you are wise to give a little advice, and then step back and let her figure it out on her own, even if you don't think she is making the best decisions. No suggestions, just hugs... |
10-17-2013, 02:31 AM | #5 | |
Donating YT 2000 Club Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Mesquite, TX
Posts: 2,659
| Quote:
I would jump at the chance to travel, especially if someone else was paying for it! I had the chance to go to Haiti, and knew going in that the area was rough, and honestly, they don't treat their women very nice, but we had no issues, and never felt unsafe. The medical personnel welcomed us, and even the male drs treated us well. I delivered my first actual baby over there, with the help of a dr who spoke no English, and I spoke no French, Spanish or patois (a Spanish creole dialect spoken by many Haitians). We managed. We had security measures in place and they worked. I agree that he's a loser, but she can't see through the bs to see it. He's better than her ex husband and that's her comparison....
__________________ "You've never learned to live until you've done something for someone for which they can never repay you."~Ralph Hall. | |
10-17-2013, 02:35 AM | #6 | |
Donating YT 2000 Club Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Mesquite, TX
Posts: 2,659
| Quote:
I just hate to see her limit herself and her career because of him. I would never hold my spouse back from career choices, even if I didn't like them (and there's been some I hated!!) If they marry, she will end up leaving the military because he can't live in any other state without losing his insurance, and she can't guarantee being stationed in Arizona, not to mention, he won't want/let her take overseas orders, which she has to do in order to advance her pay grade. Whatever happened to the old "if you love someone set them free" saying?
__________________ "You've never learned to live until you've done something for someone for which they can never repay you."~Ralph Hall. | |
10-17-2013, 02:38 AM | #7 | |
♡Huey's Human♡ Donating Member Join Date: Nov 2012 Location: Ringgold, Ga
Posts: 3,333
| Quote:
It is funny how after we are adults and have made mistakes that we see that our parents were right, no matter how we fought it at the time. (And I was one of those obnoxious people who would still fight it even after I knew I was in the wrong)
__________________ Huey's mom, Marilyn :When a day starts & ends with puppy kisses, I can handle anything that comes in between! | |
10-17-2013, 02:43 AM | #8 | |
Donating YT 2000 Club Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Mesquite, TX
Posts: 2,659
| Quote:
__________________ "You've never learned to live until you've done something for someone for which they can never repay you."~Ralph Hall. | |
10-17-2013, 04:20 AM | #9 |
Cedric♥Lola♥Keylo Donating Member Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: Gilford, NH, USA
Posts: 9,209
| I am in the same boat to some extent with my daughter. her bf is only working two days a week. She is having a break down that shes attending college in another state and I know he has something to do with it. He also holds her back and I wish I had answers. The only thing I am thankful for is that she has to finish out this college year or shell throw 14 grand away so I am praying really really hard she sees the light. I will pray your daughter decides to go you are very right it's a wonderful opportunity and she will learn and grow so much from experiencing another country. I am sending many prayers.
__________________ Cedric N Lola N Keylo RIP Punkee Princess |
10-17-2013, 04:27 AM | #10 | |
Donating YT 2000 Club Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Mesquite, TX
Posts: 2,659
| Quote:
I'm like a momma bird, trying to push the baby bird out of the nest to spread her wings and fly and see the world. He's afraid if she flies away, she'll keep going and not come back to him. It's kind of why I'm pushing for Africa....I'm hoping she'd get away and see his true colors. He already "requested" she quit the job she had before because he didn't like it. She only had to work one day a week and was making excellent money, but he didn't like the bar she worked in, so he basically made her choose.
__________________ "You've never learned to live until you've done something for someone for which they can never repay you."~Ralph Hall. | |
10-17-2013, 04:44 AM | #11 |
YT 2000 Club Member | It is so tough being a parent. Even when our children are adults we mother them in hopes of them doing what is best. I would speak to her and let her know your feelings, fears and hopes! It may do no good but it could also change her mind. Most kids look up to their parents and respect their opinion. It is her decision and if she chooses to not take this awesome opportunity then it is her loss. The reason, I say this is because, I have a daughter in an abusive relationship! I have talked until I am blue in the face!!!! She continues to stay with him and has since, lost her home, her children and working at a minimum wage job all because, "she loves" him. She has a degree in teaching and has thrown it all away for this person! I still love my daughter, but I don't like what she had done and continues to do! There are consequences to all our actions....good or bad! The moral is you will not be able to change her mind until she is ready, if ever. Voice your opinion and then, let it go. God bless you and you are not alone!
__________________ Proud Mommy to Max, Teeka, Tatiana and forever in my heart Tameka! My sunshine doesn't come from the skies, it comes from my puppies eyes! |
10-17-2013, 04:45 AM | #12 |
Cedric♥Lola♥Keylo Donating Member Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: Gilford, NH, USA
Posts: 9,209
| Sounds like he is a really BIG jerk. Keep pushing...maybe even try to find articles and such that go against what he says. I'm not a big expert on Africa but I know a few people who have visited and loved it. I hope she flies away from him and never ever looks back. Stay strong ...I know how hard it is to keep your mouth shut....
__________________ Cedric N Lola N Keylo RIP Punkee Princess |
10-17-2013, 04:53 AM | #13 |
♡Huey's Human♡ Donating Member Join Date: Nov 2012 Location: Ringgold, Ga
Posts: 3,333
| I was gonna say show her my post about my niece and how well she is doing in Djibouti, Africa, but then I remembered I called him a loser. Maybe not as good of an idea as I first thought.
__________________ Huey's mom, Marilyn :When a day starts & ends with puppy kisses, I can handle anything that comes in between! |
10-17-2013, 05:17 AM | #14 |
YT 2000 Club Member | Just for your information.....this guy she is involved with is a control freak which means, he will eventually become abusive....verbally, emotionally and physically. I know the type from experience. He already has her feeling sorry for him and his "illness" and reasons for not working. He is an alcoholic if he has 2 DWI's and lost his license. Creates reasons to not work and support himself. He is trying to control her going to Africa because he knows that she may find someone or something that makes her happy. I will pray that she makes the right decision and goes to Africa!
__________________ Proud Mommy to Max, Teeka, Tatiana and forever in my heart Tameka! My sunshine doesn't come from the skies, it comes from my puppies eyes! |
10-17-2013, 05:44 AM | #15 |
Furbutts = LOVE Donating Member Moderator | Oh boy, Michele, I really feel for you . I do NOT like the sound of this guy. He sounds extremely controlling and I don't like that one bit bc I feel that type of personality usually leads to wanting more and more control, and right into the realm of being abusive. He has so many red flags and I wish she could see it. What does she truly see in him, I wonder....ya know? I also wonder what her friends think of him bc girlfriends can often say things that Mom's can't and/or the friend will be listened to more bc it's not their Mom. Do her friends like him? Your daughter sounds so awesome - she sure deserves better than this and I hope she finds it one day.
__________________ ~ A friend told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn. ~ °¨¨¨°ºOº°¨¨¨° Ann | Pfeiffer | Marcel Verdel Purcell | Wylie | Artie °¨¨¨°ºOº°¨¨¨° |
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