My first foster experience and I am a wreck

[gaijingirl]

This is kind of a long post, maybe too long, but I just really need some support and right now from people with fostering experience, because I don't know if I am doing the right things and I've been crying so much worrying and feeling sad about this sweet dog!

My friend runs a rescue and was begging for fosters recently. I told her I would consider it on condition that the foster would be another small dog, comparative to my dog's size, for his safety, because he is only 4-lbs.
She was contacted about a dog who was on it's way to a kill shelter, supposedly a Yorkie-mix, under 10-lbs. She was so badly matted and neglected when we got her, you couldn't tell what she was. She is 20 lbs and looks to probably be a purebred Miniature Schnauzer....a bit weird how anyone could think the dog was that much smaller than it actually was! Even though the size was a concern to me, I agreed to take her because she is probably the most laid back, gentle and sweet dog I have ever met. Pretty much the exact opposite of my little Yorkshire terroist! She is the kind of dog that gets along with anyone and anything. Just had puppies recently and very motherly. She is soooo clingy. She absolutely lives and breathes for the love of people. Wants nothing else but to cuddle and be pet and cuddle some more. She is so easy to have around. My dog is about 10x the amount of maintenance this dog is.

I have only had her for 4 days and I have literally cried every single day because I'm so sad about her leaving. At the same time, I don't feel like adopting another is the right thing for me right now. I want another eventually, but I want another small one. I love big dogs...all dogs, really, but I have a small dog and everything I do and my whole life style revolves around a small dog. Even though this dog is so gentle, she potentially could still hurt him a lot easier than another small dog...like when she got excited and jumped off the bed a couple days ago and almost landed on him. He is less than 1/4 of her size, so it was a little scary in the moment.

I feel all this guilt, because I know if she was smaller, I would maybe be more likely to keep her. I feel it's almost like saying I don't like a person because of the color of their skin. She has the perfect personality and gets along with my dog, but from a physical perspective, she is not what I wanted.
I worry because I travel to Canada usually for a month at least, every year to visit my family. I can easily travel with a small dog, but I can't with a big dog. If my family was closer, It might be different. I'm 3000 miles away and It's hard feeling like you don't have people to rely on to take care of your dog. I don't think I know anyone here who I would trust to take care of my baby now, unless it was absolutely necessary in emergency for a short period of time.

And then I think, I am being so selfish because I could take another dog...I only have one. I am enjoying having two....although I don't know that I am ready to divide my time right now because we are working so much on training for our first agility competition this spring and already I feel like I'm neglecting the foster when I work with my own dog and then the other way around.

She can't be spayed until the 12th because she still has a lot of milk, but there has already been a ton of interest in her and my friend thinks she found someone who could be a good potential adopter. But i don't know if I can prevent myself from becoming more attached in the next 10 days! I just know how I would care for her and she would have the best of everything and a stay-at-home dog mom and a great life. I know there are lots of good dog owners, but also some people do so many things I don't approve of, even with the best intentions. What if they don't brush her teeth or clean out her eye goobies everyday? What if they don't train with positive methods? What if they just feed some middle of the road kibble? What if she's not allowed to cuddle in the bed at night? What if they just leave her out in the back yard for an hour to go potty instead of being there with her until she is ready to go in?
Am I being too paranoid?

It would be easier if I could approach it with the attitude that it's OK to find the dog a forever home elsewhere, because that gives room to save more...but I can't say that because I don't know if I can emotionally do this again. I get too attached and my heart is already broken. I know dogs adapt, but she has been neglected and abandoned so much...I'm so scared that she will just get comfortable here and then she will get moved again and she will wonder why I acted like I loved her and then left her. She might love her new home, but there is still going to be a time when she is going to look for me. I know she will. She panics every time someone leaves the house....even people who don't live here! (she's gonna have some problems with separation anxiety, I think).

I don't know if I can do this again, but there is a huge amount of guilt about not doing more to help animals in need, when you have the time and resources to do it and feel passionately about it. How do you people who foster deal with all of the emotion? I am so sad and so worried about doing the right thing and being a good dog owner.

[rubynrosie]

I have not been a fostermom for a dog just for the reasons your post has described. My heart goes out to you on this decision. This dog sounds wonderful and you sound very attached already. Will you be able to be in the decision making process for her new home so you can ask the potential parents your questions and see them interact with her? Perhaps that will make you more comfortable. I also see your concerns about the weight /size differences. I have a husky who weighs about 65lbs compared to my Ruby who is 3.6 and Rosie who is 6.5. It works for us but I am VERY vigilant on how they interact with each other and I constantly supervise.

I hope those with fostering experience post to help you with your difficult decision!

[brezofleur]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is hard, especially when they have this sort of behavior...

But if you have any doubts, especially with you traveling, it sounds like you would be best suited with a smaller dog. I know it sucks and it hurts, but there are so many families out there that need a dog just like her.

If your friend has truly found a good match, it may be best for everyone to let her go.

[ChibiLuv]

I wouldnt let size deter you but I would listen to your head before your heart. I fostered a yorkie a while back who I absolutely fell in love with. He was so sweet and I wanted him SO bad but it was not the right time for a third dog. I was so happy when I found him a nice family and even though I still think about him and sometimes am sad he had to leave I know it was the right thing. Even though my heart wanted him so bad it was not the right thing for my family my dogs or him. Even though you should follow your heart you should also listen to your head and sometimes that means making tough heart breaking decisions.

[Clyde_Dexter]

I completely understand where you are coming from right now. I have fostered five dogs in the past three years, and I must say that, emotionally, it is a very difficult process.
And every single dog that came into my home I developed some sort of attachment to (except for one, but that is a long story). Which made it extremely difficult to give them up when the time came.

Bella was the first dog to come into my home. She was a Scottish terrier. I developed a very similar attachment that it sounds like you have developed with your foster. When the time came to let her go I went kind of numb about the situation for awhile, but when it finally hit me that I had lost her it struck me hard. I'd let such a precious dog go from my life, but for what reason?

Like your situation, Bella was not suited for my life. I really wanted to keep her, but something in my mind kept listing the reasons why it wouldn't work out. And nothing would have changed those reasons. there was nothing wrong with Bella. SHE WAS THE EPITOME of the perfect dog, but it was very apparent to me that it wouldn't really work if I did keep her. I was given time to consider whether or not I wanted to keep her before she would be adopted out. I had her in my home with me for eleven months. And in those eleven months I kept trying to fit her into my life, but she really was not well suited for my life style at all. In the end I decided to let her go to a new home. I used to miss her everyday single day.. and when she left I always had this feeling like something was missing from my life. Having said all of that, though ...... if I had the situation to do over, I would make the same exact choice. Bella went to a FANTASTIC home that had Scottish terrier experience. She travels the country with her owners and she is spoiled rotten. She has made such a huge difference in her new owners life. They fell madly in love with her and they said she brought so much spark back into their life. On top of that, I would have NEVER gotten Dexter (my second yorkie) if I had kept Bella. When I brought Dexter home I finally lost that feeling that something from my life was "missing". Dexter and Clyde are 100% the dogs for me. I couldn't imagine my life without them. With Bella, though.. it was almost as if I couldn't imagine my life with her, no matter how much I wanted to (because she wasn't suited for my lifestyle).

Sometimes letting a dog go is the hardest decision you will ever have to make. It will hurt and you will definitely be heart broken. There will be a lot of regret. That is just the burden foster dog mommies and daddies have to bear. But sometimes that decision is for the best. It will open up your heart and home to another dog in need or for a new permanent family member that is more suited to your life to come in.


What I recommend, if you choose to adopt her out, is become apart of her adoption process. Ask the rescue if you can help interview people, and search for people who are looking for that breed of dog. Being apart of Bella's adoption process really helped me cope with giving her up... because if you know the home she is going to and the life style that she was going to live, it would let you know that she was going to be living in a safe place where you know she would be taken care of. I also recommend adopting her out to people that would be willing to keep in touch.

I'm not saying that you should make the choice to give her up. I don't know your exact situation, so you might be able to adjust your life style to accommodate keeping her ... You will know in your heart and mind when the time comes if you should let her go or not.

Best of luck with the situation. If you ever want to talk about the difficulties that come along with being a foster dog parent feel free to send me a PM or something! Hope I helped a little. I just thought it might help hearing the outcome of another similar story.

-Sarah, Clyde, and Dexter

[gaijingirl]

Thank you all so much. It does help to hear that there are other people who have been in the same situation. Right now, it almost feels like someone has died or lime I am watching them die...like this huge impending loss that you know is coming. I feel like I am already grieving the loss....and it's only been 4 days!

RubynRosie: I understand what you mean about the supervision. I think I could handle that part...I supervise pretty closely, even with just one around! It just seems like something can happen so fast. Like when Lucy jumped off the bed the other day and Snickers almost got landed on. I was right their watching, but I don't think there would have been anything I could have done to stop it, because Snickers moves so quickly. (I guess that's also why he was able to get out of the way fast enough). I bet your little ones look so cute beside your Husky!

Clyde_Dexter: I can't believe you were able to let your foster go after 11 months. I don't know if I could do it. By that point it would seem so permanent! What a difficult decision! But, that is awesome to hear that Bella got a good home.

My friend said that she is planning on taking Lucy to the potential adopter's home before the spay to introduce them and check out the home. She said that I could go with her, so that should be a good thing for me. Hopefully my expectations of the people are not unrealistic.
She spoke to the applicant for about an hour on the phone the other day and she said the family had a senior Jack Russell that passed away last year and she was impressed with the medical care they had given it up to the end. So, that is always a positive thing. I think there is a lot to be said for someone who is willing to provide good veterinary care, especially for a senior who has a lot of health problems. And the wife stays at home, which I am happy about. She will let the applicants have a one week sleep over before they make a final decision. But, I think once they meet her, if they do want to try her out, it would not be fair of me to say that I have decided to keep her, if someone else has their heart set on her....of course, only if they are worthy of her. I would want Lucy to be the kind of dog that Snickers is to me. Lucy needs to be someone's Snickers.

If we find an adopter we like, would it be inappropriate for me to ask if we could still get together and let the dogs socialize? My boy gets along with Lucy better than I would have expected, so, it might be nice to be able to let them visit in the future. I don't know if that is out of line to ask though.

[gaijingirl]

Do you all think she will feel scared or abandoned if she goes somewhere else? Do you think they think to themselves, "why did my mom love me and then turn around and leave me? Where did my brother and the warm house go?" ....even if the new house is also warm and there are people who also love them there? I just don't want her to feel scared and alone anymore. She has had such a rough time in life so far. I feel like it would be like inflicting torture on the poor thing if she felt the loss of us also.

[brezofleur]

Originally Posted by gaijingirl

If we find an adopter we like, would it be inappropriate for me to ask if we could still get together and let the dogs socialize? My boy gets along with Lucy better than I would have expected, so, it might be nice to be able to let them visit in the future. I don't know if that is out of line to ask though.

I would ask the appropriate person...maybe your friend? They may not think it's appropriate.

I, on the other hand, think it would totally be OK. As long as you don't come across as stalkerish or freaky! HA HA

If the foster mom came up to me after I adopted my baby and saw how great my new baby was taken care of and how they got along with the others, then I would be thrilled. When I adopted Zeus, his foster family left him starved (he was just under 5lbs and is now 6.5lbs), FULL of fleas, smelling of urine and other awful stuff. And I have reason to believe this is why he is sooo food obsessive (she had other, larger dogs in the home and free fed, 1x a day...).

Anyway, back to you, yes, I think it would be great to keep in contact. If it's allowed.

This would be especially great for first-time dog owners or smaller-dog owners (20 lbs is still considered small to some, lol), etc...

[Clyde_Dexter]

Originally Posted by gaijingirl

Do you all think she will feel scared or abandoned if she goes somewhere else? Do you think they think to themselves, "why did my mom love me and then turn around and leave me? Where did my brother and the warm house go?" ....even if the new house is also warm and there are people who also love them there? I just don't want her to feel scared and alone anymore. She has had such a rough time in life so far. I feel like it would be like inflicting torture on the poor thing if she felt the loss of us also.

I think at first she will probably be a little confused, but if her owners are caring & sweet to her I think she will adjust just fine.

Most foster dogs that I drop off with their new owners report back to me that at first the dog seemed to be looking for someone (aka me), but after a couple of hours they will begin to adjust, and by the next day they should already be acting like they are home! It will take some dogs awhile longer to stop "waiting" for their original owner to return to them, but most dogs without severe separation anxiety or behavioral issues will adjust pretty quickly if placed in a loving caring home.

[Clyde_Dexter]

Originally Posted by gaijingirl

My friend said that she is planning on taking Lucy to the potential adopter's home before the spay to introduce them and check out the home. She said that I could go with her, so that should be a good thing for me. Hopefully my expectations of the people are not unrealistic.
She spoke to the applicant for about an hour on the phone the other day and she said the family had a senior Jack Russell that passed away last year and she was impressed with the medical care they had given it up to the end. So, that is always a positive thing. I think there is a lot to be said for someone who is willing to provide good veterinary care, especially for a senior who has a lot of health problems. And the wife stays at home, which I am happy about. She will let the applicants have a one week sleep over before they make a final decision. But, I think once they meet her, if they do want to try her out, it would not be fair of me to say that I have decided to keep her, if someone else has their heart set on her....of course, only if they are worthy of her. I would want Lucy to be the kind of dog that Snickers is to me. Lucy needs to be someone's Snickers.

If we find an adopter we like, would it be inappropriate for me to ask if we could still get together and let the dogs socialize? My boy gets along with Lucy better than I would have expected, so, it might be nice to be able to let them visit in the future. I don't know if that is out of line to ask though.

That is really good that they have a history of providing care for their pets! They sounds like they could provide a very wonderful home to a dog. And the fact that you know they kept their dog until it passed away is always a good sign because then you know they aren't likely to re-home.

It was very nice of your friend to offer to allow you to go along to the potential adopters. That would really put your mind as ease if you get a chance to meet the people. I would ask your friend if she would be okay if you asked the question about keeping in touch before you ask the people. I'm the type of person that wouldn't mind, but you just never really know.

[Lisa and Pic]

Originally Posted by gaijingirl

This is kind of a long post, maybe too long, but I just really need some support and right now from people with fostering experience, because I don't know if I am doing the right things and I've been crying so much worrying and feeling sad about this sweet dog!

My friend runs a rescue and was begging for fosters recently. I told her I would consider it on condition that the foster would be another small dog, comparative to my dog's size, for his safety, because he is only 4-lbs.
She was contacted about a dog who was on it's way to a kill shelter, supposedly a Yorkie-mix, under 10-lbs. She was so badly matted and neglected when we got her, you couldn't tell what she was. She is 20 lbs and looks to probably be a purebred Miniature Schnauzer....a bit weird how anyone could think the dog was that much smaller than it actually was! Even though the size was a concern to me, I agreed to take her because she is probably the most laid back, gentle and sweet dog I have ever met. Pretty much the exact opposite of my little Yorkshire terroist! She is the kind of dog that gets along with anyone and anything. Just had puppies recently and very motherly. She is soooo clingy. She absolutely lives and breathes for the love of people. Wants nothing else but to cuddle and be pet and cuddle some more. She is so easy to have around. My dog is about 10x the amount of maintenance this dog is.

I have only had her for 4 days and I have literally cried every single day because I'm so sad about her leaving. At the same time, I don't feel like adopting another is the right thing for me right now. I want another eventually, but I want another small one. I love big dogs...all dogs, really, but I have a small dog and everything I do and my whole life style revolves around a small dog. Even though this dog is so gentle, she potentially could still hurt him a lot easier than another small dog...like when she got excited and jumped off the bed a couple days ago and almost landed on him. He is less than 1/4 of her size, so it was a little scary in the moment.

I feel all this guilt, because I know if she was smaller, I would maybe be more likely to keep her. I feel it's almost like saying I don't like a person because of the color of their skin. She has the perfect personality and gets along with my dog, but from a physical perspective, she is not what I wanted.
I worry because I travel to Canada usually for a month at least, every year to visit my family. I can easily travel with a small dog, but I can't with a big dog. If my family was closer, It might be different. I'm 3000 miles away and It's hard feeling like you don't have people to rely on to take care of your dog. I don't think I know anyone here who I would trust to take care of my baby now, unless it was absolutely necessary in emergency for a short period of time.

And then I think, I am being so selfish because I could take another dog...I only have one. I am enjoying having two....although I don't know that I am ready to divide my time right now because we are working so much on training for our first agility competition this spring and already I feel like I'm neglecting the foster when I work with my own dog and then the other way around.

She can't be spayed until the 12th because she still has a lot of milk, but there has already been a ton of interest in her and my friend thinks she found someone who could be a good potential adopter. But i don't know if I can prevent myself from becoming more attached in the next 10 days! I just know how I would care for her and she would have the best of everything and a stay-at-home dog mom and a great life. I know there are lots of good dog owners, but also some people do so many things I don't approve of, even with the best intentions. What if they don't brush her teeth or clean out her eye goobies everyday? What if they don't train with positive methods? What if they just feed some middle of the road kibble? What if she's not allowed to cuddle in the bed at night? What if they just leave her out in the back yard for an hour to go potty instead of being there with her until she is ready to go in?
Am I being too paranoid?

It would be easier if I could approach it with the attitude that it's OK to find the dog a forever home elsewhere, because that gives room to save more...but I can't say that because I don't know if I can emotionally do this again. I get too attached and my heart is already broken. I know dogs adapt, but she has been neglected and abandoned so much...I'm so scared that she will just get comfortable here and then she will get moved again and she will wonder why I acted like I loved her and then left her. She might love her new home, but there is still going to be a time when she is going to look for me. I know she will. She panics every time someone leaves the house....even people who don't live here! (she's gonna have some problems with separation anxiety, I think).

I don't know if I can do this again, but there is a huge amount of guilt about not doing more to help animals in need, when you have the time and resources to do it and feel passionately about it. How do you people who foster deal with all of the emotion? I am so sad and so worried about doing the right thing and being a good dog owner.

I have only fostered twice, but I do understand what you are saying. I cried for hours, after my first foster was adopted, and I knew she was going to a much better situation than my house. I have to admit that I am getting very attached to the foster we have now. He is an absolute sweetheart. But, I still think I could let him go to someone that could give him all their love and a wonderful situation.

I was recently talking to someone and they told me they were a foster failure. That one cracked me up. Sounds like we both have the potential to be that kind of failure and proud of it too!

Anyway, good luck with your decisions and hugs to you too.

[nancyf007]

The hardest part of fostering is you thinking what is the dog thinking. We know what we are doing and why, but we always wonder what the dog is thinking.
They don't know it was temporary. The best thing you can do is keep in touch with the new family. I have and it really helps. There have been a few times when I have even baby sat for my prior fosters when their new parents were going out of town. That is when you really see that you have done the right thing. When their parents come back and they are jumping and excited to see them, then you know they are being loved to the fullest.
Try not to beat yourself up too bad. Remember the situation the dog is in now is much better than being in a high kill shelter.
A Foster Mom is the bridge between what was and what will be.

Good luck,
Nancy

[crazydoglade]

I have fostered both the 2 and 4 legged kids. It a
lways hurts when they leave. I have some kids I pray daily for their safety. But not my dogs. At least with the dogs you can decide the homes they go to. You are giving them a foundation of trust. If you didn't care and worry about them you wouldn't be doing your job. Visit with the potential families and go with your instincts. Yeah, they aren't going to do everything your way, none of us do so you have trust your screening. Wait a month or so to allow the new family to bond and then visit. You will then see how your loving start helped.

[capt_noonie]

I am a foster mom, and I just tell myself that if I adopted the dogs I fostered then how could I help out more in the future? A person can really only have a certain amount of dogs, otherwise you become a hoarder LOL. Anyway, dogs get adjusted a lot faster than you'd think. It's just really important to make sure you interview the potential adoptive family very thoroughly, bc the last thing you want is the dog to go back into foster care bc they weren't a good match.

As for your question about keeping in touch. I keep in touch with all my foster's forever families. Most of them are too far for a get together, but we most def exchange emails and cards during the holidays. I just think it's important that the original owner (if known who it is) is not told where the dog's forever home ends up being, out of privacy. Once a person surrenders their dog, they should no longer be given information on them. Just to know that if they indeed gave the dog up to a reputable rescue that the dog will be in good hands and taken care of well.