Women's "duties" around the house - YorkieTalk.com Forums

Carmeow · 01-08-2013, 03:01 PM

So I've been in a relationship for 5 years. Before me, when he still lived with his parents, Tony said he always kept his room extremely clean. We've lived together for a year and honestly I really feel completely miserable sometimes. Why? Because despite the fact that I am in love with him, I feel like I'm almost "doomed" to a life with a total freaking spoiled, lazy brat. His mom did all the cleaning. I mean ALL of it. His parents got divorced because his dad is disabled and his mom felt trapped and smothered.

Like I beg Tony to help around the house. He will help, but only after I'm about to cry because im so frustrated. He does nothing until I ask him. We have talked about it many, many times. I go on and on telling him how I feel and he sits there and finally says "What doyu want me to say?" And then I'm crying again because...he's just...not a man...he needs to grow up because I am not his mom and I feel like I have to be. Otherwise our housoe is a wreck. He lets dishes and trash pile up, he NEVER EVER changes Lumas potty pads...I do both of our laundry...I have to remind him to take a shower. Seriously. I am living with a child. I don't know how much more I can take.

Why is he like this? His mom did everything for him. Don't even get me started on anything to do with money. He acts so annoyed when I want him to split the cost of something with me. His grandparents pay our rent and his tuition. I pay the electricity. He buys groceries but we fight every single time we go to the store over how much we can spend. Idk what his problem is. He's 21. All he does is play videogames and leave a mess. His only responsibility is to write the damn check for our rent and he even screws THAT up, forgetting to write the check even though I remind him and even write it on a calendar. Like really?

Please, someone tell me how I can get him to grow the F up. Sorry, I am just totally at my wit's end...I'm sorry to complain...I just needed to vent and I know most of you here are older, married or more experienced women.

BabyGirl Rosie · 01-08-2013, 03:45 PM

Good luck. My DH doesn't do much around the house. God knows that him and my son can't pick up after themselves. My oldest boy helps me or it would all be on me. We just discussed this on Sunday. How I work all day cleaning house, doing laundry, cooking all while he watches TV.

Now with that said, if I SPECIFICALLY ask him to do something he will. But I don't think I should have to ask. So GOOD LUCK and hope you get better advice!

KazzyK810 · 01-08-2013, 03:53 PM

And that is why I don't think I could ever live with anyone again!

I'd say it'll get better as he gets older...but based on what I once lived with, and what most of my friends live with....I'm not so sure...

Both my kids (20 & 22) keep their stuff pretty clean & neat. But from being very young, I always involved them in decorating & choosing things for their space, so they loved the look of what they had and like to keep it looking good. Between that & having friends over, they kept their stuff picked up.

Do you have friends over? That always forces a clean-up! I used to make myself host some kind of party each season, so I'd make sure my house got a major cleaning overhaul. Now my current house is too tiny to host anything, but I'm on a main road, so friends have a tendency to just "stop by"...that motivates me to keep things pretty picked up like no other.

lovespandp · 01-08-2013, 04:11 PM

You are young, I honestly wouldn't take that crap. You have been with him 5 years… so I highly doubt he is going to change. I would tell him he has one chance- if he doesn't change within a certain amount of time you are out- No woman should have to tell their man to take a shower. I’m sad for you- hopefully he changes or you find someone that treats you how you should be treated... They are out there- you just have to look and not settle.

Also stop mothering him- Don’t do his laundry, don’t clean up after him. Like I tell my friend… why would he want to change when you do and pay everything for him? ( she kinda has the same boyfriend and she pays all his bills!)

I have been with my DH for almost 7 years- with us it is 50/50 and I think that is how it should be.

AngelFae · 01-08-2013, 04:11 PM

Ugh, DH and I have been together for 13 years and I'm still waiting for him to help out at home instead of making a mess and blaming me for it! We have issues...

brezofleur · 01-08-2013, 04:13 PM

To be frank with you, Carmen, why would he change? His mom did everything for him and now you are. He's never lived on his own and he's 21.

Unfortunately, this is what happens when you don't learn life skills. He's still young so he should be able to still "learn" it but it's not going to change. Truthfully, if I were you, 5 years is long enough. You were in HS when you met. And that's great, but people are supposed to change. It's healthy to date around when you're young.

But, you've been dating for 5 years. And that's really, really hard to accept and end things.

Just know that he probably won't change, no matter how you wish he will.

I'm not telling you to break up with him, so don't anyone attack me, lol, but I'm just telling you that I was in a similar relationship and even though it hurt and I wanted to die (not literally...) after we broke up, things went really well afterwards.

Why would you want to be with someone that makes you miserable in ANY way?

hnybun128 · 01-08-2013, 04:14 PM

Here's the deal. This is who he is. You either accept it and figure out how to live with it or move on. He is not going to get older and magically become cleaner or more thoughtful.

lovespandp · 01-08-2013, 04:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brezofleur

To be frank with you, Carmen, why would he change? His mom did everything for him and now you are. He's never lived on his own and he's 21.

Unfortunately, this is what happens when you don't learn life skills. He's still young so he should be able to still "learn" it but it's not going to change. Truthfully, if I were you, 5 years is long enough. You were in HS when you met. And that's great, but people are supposed to change. It's healthy to date around when you're young.

But, you've been dating for 5 years. And that's really, really hard to accept and end things.

Just know that he probably won't change, no matter how you wish he will.

I'm not telling you to break up with him, so don't anyone attack me, lol, but I'm just telling you that I was in a similar relationship and even though it hurt and I wanted to die (not literally...) after we broke up, things went really well afterwards.

Why would you want to be with someone that makes you miserable in ANY way?

100% AGREE!

BabyGirl Rosie · 01-08-2013, 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brezofleur

To be frank with you, Carmen, why would he change? His mom did everything for him and now you are. He's never lived on his own and he's 21.

This is my DH exactly. Carmen, I highly doubt he will change. You either accept him as he is or ........ Have you discussed this with him?

yorkietalkjilly · 01-08-2013, 04:33 PM

Some do change for the better though as they age and become more aware of the things they totally overlook as younger males. And years of "working on" them helps, too. They find it's just easier in the long run to pick up than have to listen to one more sigh or lecture or pay for one more extravagance you bought to pay yourself back for the backache you got picking up their stuff. It never fails to amaze me, though, how a man can walk by something lying on the floor or a loaded garbage sack by the back door without ever seeing either!

brezofleur · 01-08-2013, 04:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yorkietalkjilly

Some do change for the better though as they age and become more aware of the things they totally overlook as younger males. And years of "working on" them helps, too. They find it's just easier in the long run to pick up than have to listen to one more sigh or lecture or pay for one more extravagance you bought to pay yourself back for the backache you got picking up their stuff. It never fails to amaze me, though, how a man can walk by something lying on the floor or a loaded garbage sack by the back door without ever seeing either!

But in order to change, you have to have LIFE changes. He's 21 and been in 1 serious relationship.

Now, I've known people to marry their HS sweethearts and they were able to grow together because both were willing. I don't see that happening here.

IMO, he seems to want a caregiver rather than a life partner.

Cha Cha · 01-08-2013, 04:43 PM

I also agree, Carmen. He can change, but the circumstances in his environment will have to force him to change, or he needs to see the need and want to make the change.

On a funny note, they say men look for similar qualities in a partner as their mother and women look for similar qualities as their father. My dh is not much like my dad, and I cringe at the thought that I am like his mother. LOL, but....as long as I enabled him to be helpless, I was in a sense like his mother. When I realized that, I put a stop to doing things for him he could do himself.

brezofleur · 01-08-2013, 04:48 PM

It's true Shelly, lol. Chad is very similar to my dad and I would say I'm 2/3 like his step-mom and 1/2 like his mom...

yorkietalkjilly · 01-08-2013, 04:49 PM

Oh I saw my husband change and we had neither been in a relationship before. He started changing within the second year when I was pregnant and I think he just felt so sorry for me, bless his male, male heart. So I had that going for me in that I got pregnant fairly early in our marriage and the, he just kept it up because after Danny came, we both had extra work. Plus, he decided if he wanted a clean house and to stay out of the poor house from my "rewards" for myself, it was easier to just not leave things around. I'm a tidyphile I have to have things tidy or go and drive everyone nuts. I can't stand things out of place!

mamaj · 01-08-2013, 04:58 PM

We have been married for 48 years (in March). Hubby does a lot around the house. We both try to keep it looking nice.
Just to make a point, why don`t you do your laundry, pick up your clothes, cook your food. Leave his mess laying there. Invite friends over. The place will be a mess, but all his. Maybe he will be embarrassed enough to clean up. Just wondering.
Oh and it`s not his age. When we got married, he was 21 and I was 17.

01-08-2013, 03:01 PM	#1
Carmeow I♥ my girls Luma+Rosie Donating Member Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: Aggieland, TX Posts: 3,359	Women's "duties" around the house So I've been in a relationship for 5 years. Before me, when he still lived with his parents, Tony said he always kept his room extremely clean. We've lived together for a year and honestly I really feel completely miserable sometimes. Why? Because despite the fact that I am in love with him, I feel like I'm almost "doomed" to a life with a total freaking spoiled, lazy brat. His mom did all the cleaning. I mean ALL of it. His parents got divorced because his dad is disabled and his mom felt trapped and smothered. Like I beg Tony to help around the house. He will help, but only after I'm about to cry because im so frustrated. He does nothing until I ask him. We have talked about it many, many times. I go on and on telling him how I feel and he sits there and finally says "What doyu want me to say?" And then I'm crying again because...he's just...not a man...he needs to grow up because I am not his mom and I feel like I have to be. Otherwise our housoe is a wreck. He lets dishes and trash pile up, he NEVER EVER changes Lumas potty pads...I do both of our laundry...I have to remind him to take a shower. Seriously. I am living with a child. I don't know how much more I can take. Why is he like this? His mom did everything for him. Don't even get me started on anything to do with money. He acts so annoyed when I want him to split the cost of something with me. His grandparents pay our rent and his tuition. I pay the electricity. He buys groceries but we fight every single time we go to the store over how much we can spend. Idk what his problem is. He's 21. All he does is play videogames and leave a mess. His only responsibility is to write the damn check for our rent and he even screws THAT up, forgetting to write the check even though I remind him and even write it on a calendar. Like really? Please, someone tell me how I can get him to grow the F up. Sorry, I am just totally at my wit's end...I'm sorry to complain...I just needed to vent and I know most of you here are older, married or more experienced women. __________________ Carmen, mama to Luma & my little angel in Heaven, Rosie. Last edited by Carmeow; 01-08-2013 at 03:04 PM.

01-08-2013, 03:45 PM	#2
BabyGirl Rosie I ♥ my girls! Donating Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: With My Yorkies Posts: 18,980	Good luck. My DH doesn't do much around the house. God knows that him and my son can't pick up after themselves. My oldest boy helps me or it would all be on me. We just discussed this on Sunday. How I work all day cleaning house, doing laundry, cooking all while he watches TV. Now with that said, if I SPECIFICALLY ask him to do something he will. But I don't think I should have to ask. So GOOD LUCK and hope you get better advice! __________________ Momma to three sweet Yorkie girls Rosie Marie, Mikki Leigh , and Lily Mae Grace!

01-08-2013, 03:53 PM	#3
KazzyK810 Donating YT 2000 Club Member Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: Michigan USA & Sheffield UK Posts: 4,119	And that is why I don't think I could ever live with anyone again! I'd say it'll get better as he gets older...but based on what I once lived with, and what most of my friends live with....I'm not so sure... Both my kids (20 & 22) keep their stuff pretty clean & neat. But from being very young, I always involved them in decorating & choosing things for their space, so they loved the look of what they had and like to keep it looking good. Between that & having friends over, they kept their stuff picked up. Do you have friends over? That always forces a clean-up! I used to make myself host some kind of party each season, so I'd make sure my house got a major cleaning overhaul. Now my current house is too tiny to host anything, but I'm on a main road, so friends have a tendency to just "stop by"...that motivates me to keep things pretty picked up like no other. __________________ Karan & ZoE (Chelsea ) Last edited by KazzyK810; 01-08-2013 at 03:56 PM.

01-08-2013, 04:11 PM	#4
lovespandp ♥Momma's Bambino♥ Donating Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Ca Posts: 10,026	You are young, I honestly wouldn't take that crap. You have been with him 5 years… so I highly doubt he is going to change. I would tell him he has one chance- if he doesn't change within a certain amount of time you are out- No woman should have to tell their man to take a shower. I’m sad for you- hopefully he changes or you find someone that treats you how you should be treated... They are out there- you just have to look and not settle. Also stop mothering him- Don’t do his laundry, don’t clean up after him. Like I tell my friend… why would he want to change when you do and pay everything for him? ( she kinda has the same boyfriend and she pays all his bills!) I have been with my DH for almost 7 years- with us it is 50/50 and I think that is how it should be. __________________ "People with nothing to hide don't usually feel the need to say so." Last edited by lovespandp; 01-08-2013 at 04:15 PM.

01-08-2013, 04:11 PM	#5
AngelFae YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: MN, USA Posts: 780	Ugh, DH and I have been together for 13 years and I'm still waiting for him to help out at home instead of making a mess and blaming me for it! We have issues... __________________ Amanda

01-08-2013, 04:13 PM	#6
brezofleur Donating YT Addict Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: Las Vegas, NV Posts: 6,982	To be frank with you, Carmen, why would he change? His mom did everything for him and now you are. He's never lived on his own and he's 21. Unfortunately, this is what happens when you don't learn life skills. He's still young so he should be able to still "learn" it but it's not going to change. Truthfully, if I were you, 5 years is long enough. You were in HS when you met. And that's great, but people are supposed to change. It's healthy to date around when you're young. But, you've been dating for 5 years. And that's really, really hard to accept and end things. Just know that he probably won't change, no matter how you wish he will. I'm not telling you to break up with him, so don't anyone attack me, lol, but I'm just telling you that I was in a similar relationship and even though it hurt and I wanted to die (not literally...) after we broke up, things went really well afterwards. Why would you want to be with someone that makes you miserable in ANY way? __________________ Heather Zeus \| Thalia

01-08-2013, 04:14 PM	#7
hnybun128 I ♥ Maci & Mojo Donating Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Morris, IL, USA Posts: 856	Here's the deal. This is who he is. You either accept it and figure out how to live with it or move on. He is not going to get older and magically become cleaner or more thoughtful. __________________ Gina ~Mojo , Maci ~ Sweetie, Katie, Coco Chanel, & Figaro

01-08-2013, 04:33 PM	#10
yorkietalkjilly ♥ Love My Tibbe! ♥ Donating Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: D/FW, Texas Posts: 22,140	Some do change for the better though as they age and become more aware of the things they totally overlook as younger males. And years of "working on" them helps, too. They find it's just easier in the long run to pick up than have to listen to one more sigh or lecture or pay for one more extravagance you bought to pay yourself back for the backache you got picking up their stuff. It never fails to amaze me, though, how a man can walk by something lying on the floor or a loaded garbage sack by the back door without ever seeing either! __________________ Jeanie and Tibbe One must do the best one can. You may get some marks for a very imperfect answer: you will certainly get none for leaving the question alone. C. S. Lewis

01-08-2013, 04:43 PM	#12
Cha Cha Donating YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Where the deer and the antelope play Posts: 7,069	I also agree, Carmen. He can change, but the circumstances in his environment will have to force him to change, or he needs to see the need and want to make the change. On a funny note, they say men look for similar qualities in a partner as their mother and women look for similar qualities as their father. My dh is not much like my dad, and I cringe at the thought that I am like his mother. LOL, but....as long as I enabled him to be helpless, I was in a sense like his mother. When I realized that, I put a stop to doing things for him he could do himself. __________________ Shelly and the girls Moka Mylee

01-08-2013, 04:48 PM	#13
brezofleur Donating YT Addict Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: Las Vegas, NV Posts: 6,982	It's true Shelly, lol. Chad is very similar to my dad and I would say I'm 2/3 like his step-mom and 1/2 like his mom... __________________ Heather Zeus \| Thalia

01-08-2013, 04:49 PM	#14
yorkietalkjilly ♥ Love My Tibbe! ♥ Donating Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: D/FW, Texas Posts: 22,140	Oh I saw my husband change and we had neither been in a relationship before. He started changing within the second year when I was pregnant and I think he just felt so sorry for me, bless his male, male heart. So I had that going for me in that I got pregnant fairly early in our marriage and the, he just kept it up because after Danny came, we both had extra work. Plus, he decided if he wanted a clean house and to stay out of the poor house from my "rewards" for myself, it was easier to just not leave things around. I'm a tidyphile I have to have things tidy or go and drive everyone nuts. I can't stand things out of place! __________________ Jeanie and Tibbe One must do the best one can. You may get some marks for a very imperfect answer: you will certainly get none for leaving the question alone. C. S. Lewis

01-08-2013, 04:58 PM	#15
mamaj YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: ohio Posts: 572	We have been married for 48 years (in March). Hubby does a lot around the house. We both try to keep it looking nice. Just to make a point, why don`t you do your laundry, pick up your clothes, cook your food. Leave his mess laying there. Invite friends over. The place will be a mess, but all his. Maybe he will be embarrassed enough to clean up. Just wondering. Oh and it`s not his age. When we got married, he was 21 and I was 17.