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Old 08-29-2012, 08:42 AM   #1
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Default The Man In The Tree.

I love this time of year. It is, perhaps, my favorite season of all. The kids are back in school, the weather is cooling down enough that I can sit for hours, enjoying my back yard and next week is neighborhood cleanup, where the city comes and removes all the construction debris, large trash and stuff you can't normally fit in the can. In just a few weeks the leaves will start changing, prompting endless, scenic drives through the canyons and shortly after that, winter will bless us with snow to play in. In any event, August and September tend to be busy months trying to finish up the various household projects and prepare our home for the upcoming holidays.

As an interior designer, I'm an inside person. I take care of all the finishing touches inside the home, decide on upgrades and arrange to get it done. DH has owned a landscaping company for 20 years, so it stands to reason he's the outside person on our team, taking care of the landscaping and making sure everything in our yard is well maintained. Generally, he's very good at what he does. Occasionally, things don't quite go as planned. We encountered one of those occasional moments just yesterday. Again.

We spent, what seemed to be, an endless summer debating the status of a specific tree in the back yard and closely watching it's chances for survival. It's a rather tall cottonwood tree that offered quite a bit of shade to the east side of the house and some much needed screening from our neighbors. When it became obvious it wasn't going to make it another year, we, collectively, decided it needed to go. Since neighborhood cleanup is here, this was the perfect opportunity to put the tired old tree out of it's misery without bearing the expense of disposal. Lovely! Have at it babe! You're the man!

Now I was out for better part of the day yesterday so I didn't actually witness the events that transpired. The story I'm about to convey is a mixed rendition of his side of the tale and the 3 employees that apparently stood on the ground watching.

I get a phone call.
"Gina. I don't think we can drop this tree without a bucket truck. It's too tall to climb." He says.
Me, being captain obvious responds with "Well then go get a bucket truck."
"It'll take half the day and we have other things to do."
"Well then do it tomorrow." I said.

He hangs up. Now I hate that. Chris never says goodbye or gives any indication that our conversation is over. My only clue is the 'woop woop woop' tone the phone gives me telling me the call is terminated. I shrug my shoulders and move on with my day.

15 minutes later the phone rings again. I could almost smell the testosterone through the air when he says "Nevermind. I'm gonna cowboy up."
"You're gonna what?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. This is a new term for me, so I wasn't quite sure what, exactly, he meant.
"Yeah. I'm gonna cowboy up. You know... I'm just going to get up there. It's not that bad." He said.

Again, before I could say a word, he hangs up. I could tell he was pretty pumped up. That should have been my first clue that I needed to worry. However, he's been doing this for 20 years and just like he can't tell me where to put walls, I can't tell him how to cut down a cottonwood tree. Though, I think I should have.

Hours pass and my day is for the most part done. I just needed to pick up a few things from Home Depot and head home. I was tired and just wanted to relax for a minute before the kids got home from school.

Now what I encountered when I pulled into the cul-de-sac was a cross between a crime scene and the remnants of a hurricane. Neighbors were out on the street, leaves and twigs scattered up and down the span of 8 houses and my dh standing in the driveway talking to someone anxiously on his cell phone. You know that sinking feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when things aren't just right? Yep. I had that one! He sees me pull in, gets off the phone quickly and tries to head me off. I knew, yet again, something dramatic had to have happened.

I look up. The tree is down, so at least that's done. I couldn't really see anything beyond the hole it left in the skyline. I fearfully decided to be brave and get out of the car when DH comes walking up to me.

Standing before me was a sight I wasn't quite expecting. His hair was tossed, his arms and legs scratched, beaten and bruised as though he just got the living crap kicked out of him by a pack of mountain lions, and the entire back of his shorts ripped out revealing his cheetah print boxers for the entire world to enjoy. Based on his appearance, my first concern was his well being, so I immediately ask if he's ok. He just rolls his eyes and nods, indicating while he looks pretty battered, he's fine.

I had to ask. I didn't want to ask, but I quickly realized I needed to know the gravity of the situation.

I take a deep breath. "So...." Another deep breath and the unmistakable look of worry in my eyes... "How'd it go?"

He stands there, nods his head, looks up at the sky for a minute and struggles to locate the proper words to convey what just happened. "Well... I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"

I knew at that moment, things were bad. That sinking feeling was gone, but now the curiosity had set in. I make one final attempt to mentally prepare myself for what he had to say. "Let's start with the bad news."

He stands there shuffling his feet, looking down to the ground and dancing around a bit. I could tell his body wasn't the only thing wounded but his ego was too. "We need a new fence."

"Oh! Well ok." I said.
"And there's no power" he says.
"You hit a power line?" My eyes grew wide. "Is there more?" I asked. "Who were you talking to on the phone?"
"Oh just the roofers. They're on their way."

Webster didn't publish a word that could adequately articulate the look on my face at that point. "There's a hole in the roof?"
"Just a small hole. It's not that big of a deal."

Now women are terrible at estimating measurements when an accurate measurement is essential. This is something that most handy men excel at. They can look at any given object and estimate within a few inches how big something is or needs to be. That is, unless a problem arises and they need to soften the blow a little bit. "How small?" I asked, not really wanting to know the answer.
"I don't know. 8 feet... or so." He says.
"Or so?"
"Maybe 10." he confesses.
"Chris, that's not a small hole!" I point out, trying to maintain my composure.

I'm trying to take this in. A fence, roof and power meter (our lines are underground). The whole package is a little overwhelming for one small tree that one decides to 'cowboy up' in just to save $300 for the rental of a bucket truck. I just stood there, silent for s minute in what appeared to be shock. Then I had to ask "So what's the good news now?"

He lights up as though he's holding the winning lottery ticket. "OH! Well, I cut down that cottonwood tree so we don't have to worry about it falling now."

Nice! Very nice!

The final question that bear on my mind is how on earth did he come out of this looking like he was skinned alive. "So, how did you get all cut up like this? You've cut down hundreds of trees."

"I was standing on a limb." he says.
"And?" I asked curiously.
"Well I was cutting the limb above it and the chainsaw slipped and hit the one I was standing on." He explained cryptically.
"And??" I pressed.
At this point he ego was not just damaged. It was shattered. "I should have got a bucket truck."

I don't think he's much of a cowboy anymore.
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Old 08-29-2012, 08:54 AM   #2
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Love the story but sorry about the aftermath! I think I have a few moments in history of events like this!
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Old 08-29-2012, 08:57 AM   #3
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LOL what a day! I know the mess and anxiety of having a tree come down we had 2 removed so we could put in our pond. I was so worried they would hit the power lines and or the house. All they used were ropes to get the trees to go down in the direction they wanted them to
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Old 08-29-2012, 09:57 AM   #4
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Lol at least everyone is okay Hings can be fixed. I love your way of telling your stories. Did he every get his teeth fixed
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Old 08-29-2012, 09:58 AM   #5
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Oops things can be replaced
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Old 08-29-2012, 10:15 AM   #6
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OMG How did you NOT kill him? Love how men try to save a few bucks, do it themselves without the proper equipment, and end up costing WAY more in the end My DH does crap like this too. All I can do is shake my head and try to laugh so I don't cry!

Your writings should go into a book.
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Old 08-29-2012, 10:55 AM   #7
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You know I am sitting here bored out of my mind waiting for this stupid hurricane to pass. They say another 24 hours now. When I stumble upon your post. OMG!! I needed this so bad I am sorry for what you have to go through but your story I laughed until I cried. By the way I woke up to my huge sycamore tree lying in the street this morning from the storm. But your story was so much better. Thank you for bringing a smile to my face!
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Old 08-29-2012, 12:19 PM   #8
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Sorry about the problems but I so enjoyed the telling of the tree incident.
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Old 08-29-2012, 12:50 PM   #9
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I looked past this thread several times before I acutely decided to read it. Than when I clicked on it and saw how long it was I backed up. Than I thought to myself is this a story like the "Man on the Moon" sort of thing? What could the man in the tree possibly be about.... so, I sat back a read on and on until the very end.

Holy Crap.... I was shocked at the outcome but at the same time a bit amused by the way you told the story. This is one of the most elegant, formal statement of a mans need to "cowboy up" and take charge that I have ever read.

I am so sorry, I hope he is ok. Thank goodness for insurance.

But look at it this way, at least you got a great story to tell at the next family cook out.... !
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Old 08-29-2012, 01:10 PM   #10
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As for his teeth (see thread: "I figured it out"), I think the dentist and I think a lot alike. He's got the posts for the implants put in but it takes 4 months for them to heal so they can actually put a crown on them. Either that, or like me, the dentist wants to drag this out a little while so he's a bit more apprehensive the next time he decides jumping off a cliff is a good idea. So yes, I still have that magical toothless grin as a constant reminder of his last random act of stupidity to gaze at every day.

Dawn, if you've followed my threads around here, you'll quickly discover that my DH, while a wonderful man, provides a pretty consistent stream of entertainment into my life, and subsequently, yours too. I imagine the next family gathering is going to be much like the last one, an endless conversation reminiscing about the events that have transpired throughout the year.

I gotta love him. Mostly because I'm not sure anyone else will, but secondarily because he certainly knows how to keep life interesting. Luckily, I have quite a bit of patience to spare and a laid back attitude. I don't get upset over stuff very easily. Particularly when there's no point. My position in our marriage is usually "damage control".
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Old 08-29-2012, 01:33 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Deadbug View Post
As for his teeth (see thread: "I figured it out"), I think the dentist and I think a lot alike. He's got the posts for the implants put in but it takes 4 months for them to heal so they can actually put a crown on them. Either that, or like me, the dentist wants to drag this out a little while so he's a bit more apprehensive the next time he decides jumping off a cliff is a good idea. So yes, I still have that magical toothless grin as a constant reminder of his last random act of stupidity to gaze at every day.

Dawn, if you've followed my threads around here, you'll quickly discover that my DH, while a wonderful man, provides a pretty consistent stream of entertainment into my life, and subsequently, yours too. I imagine the next family gathering is going to be much like the last one, an endless conversation reminiscing about the events that have transpired throughout the year.

I gotta love him. Mostly because I'm not sure anyone else will, but secondarily because he certainly knows how to keep life interesting. Luckily, I have quite a bit of patience to spare and a laid back attitude. I don't get upset over stuff very easily. Particularly when there's no point. My position in our marriage is usually "damage control".

Oh My Goodness ....

And yes, my DH keeps our home full of great stories as well. But I must admit it I have some whoppin misshapes myself!
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Old 08-29-2012, 03:45 PM   #12
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Gina, sorry about the roof and all but I so enjoyed your story telling! I see a post by you and I just have to click on it to see what new has happened!
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Old 08-29-2012, 04:38 PM   #13
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Gina I've missed you! As another poster previously said, as soon as I see a post by you, I go make a cup of tea, sit back and prepare to laugh! I'm so sorry about the roof, fence and power, but seriously that was funny! I so love your story telling.
I've had a crappy day and I'm feeling like crap, but that made me laugh out loud!
Thanks again Gina for making me smile...I really needed it! ((HUGGZZ))
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Old 08-29-2012, 05:27 PM   #14
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oh my.... I really don't know what to say. I guess it is too bad you just don't hire a film crew to follow him around!!
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Old 08-30-2012, 07:14 AM   #15
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I'm glad your husband is alive! This is like an episode of the comedy "Home Improvement"...or the Tom Hanks movie "The Money Pit." I thought my family was nuts, lol.

I thought of you this week when I was going through dad's scrapbooks and found his bumper sticker with your tagline: "Out of my mind...back in 5 minutes."
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