Looking for some parenting advice

[Tina21]

Hi Everyone. This is long but still cant get the whole story in, tried my best to keep it brief

First let me say that I am 43 and have made being the mother to my two beautiful girls my life. Thats whats making this even more painful.

I have two daughters 20 (almost21) and 17. Our family have been through hell the past few years. First I had my hip replaced in 2009 after two years of increasing pain. Four years later and I am still in constant pain. Then my youngest developed an almost fatal eating disorder. The clinic we were talking her to said that she was once of the sickest children they had seen in there 10+ years of exsistance. I was asked to be with her 24/7. I quit my job one that I loved and paid very very well and began the monumental task of helping her recover. Now after residential treatment in Utah almost 2 years of watching her ALL the time and losing almost 100,000 dollars she is doing wonderful.

I am currently unable to work as I am struggling with a very deep depression. I believe that all that I went through as well as the months of half sleeping in a hospital chair is a factor.

So thats a wee bit of the background.

During all of that we bought a new house about 5 months after the surgery. It is my dream house, I actually broke down in tears while touring the home. The only problem is no bus service as its in the suburbs. We told the girls that we would drive them if they needed to go anywhere. I am pretty sure that we made it clear that this was until they got their licences. We got them lessons and my youngest was gung-ho. My oldest was not happy at all. She didnt wasnt to drive. She made excuses as to why she couldnt. It was becoming very clear that she wouldnt get her license. So we gave her a choice, learn to drive and we will buy you a car or move. We told her that she would have to pay for insurance and gas. She chose to move. She moved into my brothers place. She discovered that it cost ALOT to live. In the meantime My youngest got her license and my DH decided to pay for her insurance. A gesture that would have extended to my oldest.

Well she moved out of her uncles and into her boyfriends parents home with him. His mother still cleans his room and does everything. Neither of her children have any chores and her BF only works P/T at McDonalds. He doesnt pay rent and spends all of his money on pot booze and video games. My DD pays 200 a month for room and board. My DD is on welfare but has lied and said she is working. I visist her once or twice a week and found out she said she is working when with me.

A week ago while in the car she says dont take this the wrong way but I am upset that you guys are paying for her insurance. I told you that I didnt have money for food and you never helped me. I am not working and said did you ask Dad? she said no because he will lecture me.
I said that if she was home we would have paid for her insurance too. I has told her if you want to move home we will pay you will only have to pay insurance. She said no and then tells me that she likes where she is as they dont judge her. Of course they dont, she lies to them to make herself look better. I dont judge her belive me she has been though some things that most parents woouldnt deal well with and all I offered was support. I always tell my kids that its their job to make mistakes and my job to help them though the crisis.

So my youngest has money in my account as her boyfriend who we allow to live her due to a bad home life is awful with money and she was hiding it. I gave her my bank card as well as a government chequw that came to our house for my oldest. Well she forgot the cheque but said here use moms bank card for your liqour purchase as I have money in there. Well she took my DH's card that was in my wallet. So he was pretty angry when he saw an 88 dollar purchase for booze. WE confronted her and asked for an explnation and the card back. She said she knew she had the wrong card but didnt want to come all the way home so she used it. She said 14 of the 88 was hers the rest her sisters. The gvmt cheque wasnt enought to cover the difference so when she called her I yelled out to her to ask for the money and if she could call revenue canada and change her address. I was angry very little at my oldest and mostly with my youngest.

So tonite I go on FaceBook and my DD's boyfriend who I havent seen in 2 1/2 years (not interested in meeting her family) sent me a message saying "you really do like drama" and my DD has removed me. I am so hurt. I cant begin to explain how much I do for her. I running errands with and for her. SHe has told her sister that it wasnt fair to expect her to learn to drive and that we shouldnt have moved to a house without a bus route. I will be here 30 to 40 years and making a decision based on her wants for 4 - 5 years desnt make sense.

There are SO many others things she has said about us but this is SOO long already. Has anyone else been through this? I am one hundred percent sure that her boyfriends mother is telling her she is a victim as her belief as she told me is that its a mothers job to ensure that her children are provided for until they no longer want to be tajen care of and that a mother prevents struggle or any hardship. I believe that sometimes you have to give your little bird a push to show them they xan fly. Also my DD used to say that his mom was doing too much and that he was never going to grow up because of her. The kid cant make a grilled chesse sandwich.

What do I do???? Do I contact even tho she clearly cut me out? Why would she be so angry that I am upset with her sister who she usually dislikes? I dont want to lose her but I wont treat her like a helpless toddler.

[concretegurl]

Don't feed into drama.

Consistent nonnegotiable boundaries.

Here's your offer, here's your stipulations if it's not taken and followed then small talk, love and support its all you have to offer.

Bird's won't learn to fly if they're not pushed from the nest.

Now I'm a big hypocrite because recently I moved back into a family owned home, however I came here because I pretty much lost everything and that's what family is for right to help pick you up when you fall down-not to carry your forever though.

[Deadbug]

I'm right here with you.

I'm ashamed to admit that I'm one of those kids. I gave my parents such a hard time. And as luck would have it, I'm also dealing with the same stuff you are with my oldest. She's the most stubborn young lady I've ever met, aside from the one in the mirror. She's also 21. I think it's just a tough age.

You have to let her go until SHE is ready to come back. You've done your job. You taught her how to survive. You've given her the skills. Now the rest is up to her. And trust me, she'll figure it out.

Young girls can be terribly manipulative. She didn't want to ask your DH for money for food and take the lecture because she wasn't there yet. She hadn't hit rock bottom yet. If she NEEDED it, don't think for a minute she wouldn't have humbled herself, listened to hubby and gotten some money for food.

I promise you, when she has a kid, she'll realize within a few weeks you weren't mean at all. She'll be back then. Unfortunately, that's what it took for me.

[celstu1]

I am not a parent so you can take this for what it's worth. Recently I've spoken to friends who have older kids and are going through similar situations, myself included, as I am the step parents to an 18 year old and a 16 year old.
Our 18 year old is almost EXACTLY like your 20 year old DD.

Creating a sense of entitlement with your kids often starts YEARS younger, when they are young. It is extended through their teens and young adult hood. Then suddenly, a parent changes THEIR expectations and the child is left shocked, scared, hurt. They take the defensive, rebellious, 'fine, I can and will take care of myself' often not even understanding the full breadth of what it takes to take care of themselves.

Our 18 year old is a prime example of this. My husband felt guilty for wanting a divorce. He tried to make it up to the kids by doing EVERYTHING for them, not teaching them how to do chores, making sure they were never sad, disappointed, hurt, etc... He spent $$ he did not have on their wants, not just their needs.

Then when the 18 year old turned 16, husband suddenly wanted him to ... WORK! Oh-my-gosh. Then husband bought a car for him to use, but made him pay his own insurance. Well the kid who never had to do anything his whole life suddenly HATED his dad. You'd think he'd be happy that his dad bought a car for him to use, but NO, his Dad just gave him a responsibility and no choice but to take it and pay the bill. He didn't like growing up ONE bit! So he became rebellious, thinking that all it took in life to be able to pay your bills. OK, so he can pay his insurance, he must be able to take care of himself right? uuummm.... nope, obviously not. Vicious circle... more mad at us because we throw responsibility on him because he is old enough, but is he mature enough? not really... but how else do you make kids mature?

Honestly someone said to push them out of the nest.... thats probably what needs to happen... they will be mad and they will push you away.... but they come back around as more normal people around the age of 22! haha Remember when you were their age, the influences, the scary world, the hormones, the trial & errors. It is how they grow, learn, teach themselves, realize that you are not the enemy.... then they come back.

Just stop enabling them.... you can't buy them back and you can't win their love. You need them to respect you, respect what you've done for them and love you for all you continue to do for them and always will do. Being a parent is such a thankless job until they are 100% on their own and live as good solid people! Then you get to sit back, look at them and thank the lord.

(((HUGS))) to you!

[Tina21]

We always had age appropriate expectations. She knew that she had to be in school or if she quit that she had to get a job. By the time my girls were 12 they knew how to cook, sew, do laundry and many other essential skills. I believe a parents job is to prepare their child for life as an adult.

When we moved to Binbrook for the first 2 years i drove her to work and to her boyfriends house. We kept telling her that she would have to get her license. Finally 9 months ago we told her to learn to drive or move to the city. When she chose to move to her uncles she was told that if she changed her mind she could come home but would need to leard to drive. She decided it was too scary and is now angry that we are holding her to the agreement. She has said its not her fault we moved here and that its not fair to expect her to get her license. She feels that we should be required to continue driving her until such time as she decides to move of her own free will. When living at her uncles was too hard her boyfriends mother "rescued" her because we didnt care.

Her boyfriends mother cleans his room and he has NO chores. He is allowed to sleep all day and only works part time where his mother works. He cant cook a thing and doesnt know how. He has never washed a piece of clothing in his entire life. His mother thinks that I am a horrible mother for what I have done to my daughter. She makes this opinion very clear to her. My daughter always believed that I had her interests at heart and disapproved of parents who coddled their children including her boyfriends mother. It was only after she chose to move and found out how hard it was and that we were not going to rush in and rescue her from herself that she changed her tune. Now she tells me that his mother is a great mother and that I dont care about her. She says that I am judgemental even tho I have stood by her when she has made some pretty nasty mistakes. I never once made her feel bad about them. I reminded her that we have all done things that we regret and that as a child its her job to make mistakes and my job to help her to learn from them and to deal with them. She is hiding her unemployment status from her boyfriend and his family and that she is receiving assistance. She said that she is afraid they will think badly of her. I have been coming once a week and going out with her and recently found out that she has been telling them that she is at work and not with me. All I said was that she should tell them and that if she is caught lying they would be hurt. I told her that they will understand. She insists they wouldnt. Seemed to me that the only reason they arent judgement is because she is hiding things from them.

I was going to write her a letter but my DH said not too. He said that I have spent years trying to help her and to have a relationship with her and that its time to let go. Do you agree? I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. 20 years of love and effort all gone because shes found a place where she can do nothing and hide from growing up.

[Sweet Girls]

Let me preface this with the fact that I also don't have kids. And loved as I was, was happy to leave home at 18 and really haven't been back. Those early years of making mistakes and doing with little were some of my best years. And I fundamentally think that many people today, do too much for their kids, and that too many children grow up feeling like they should have everything they want, and the world should revolve around them.

Now, not saying you enabled any of this...seems to me you were reasonable and supportive. Your daughter is angry...its ok to be angry, she currently thinks she has it hard, and her perception is her truth. As much as you want her not to feel that way, she does. I would let her be angry...if she hasn't approached you on her own by the end of the summer (or the next occasion...birthday etc)...then I would send her a, "I'm thinking of you" card...stating nothing more then you are thinking of her and missing her...maybe invite her out for coffee...This way you will make it clear that she can be angry, but you still love her...doesn't mean that you think she is right or that she can manipulate you back into her life by using such childish gestures (unfriending your mother is pretty childish really) Don't make this incident to be more than it is...her unhappy and not yet ready to accept that only she can make herself happy. It is not your job, your DH's job or her BF job to create her happiness...and she'll figure that out eventually. (Hopefully)

Stay strong...

[msyorktown]

I have a 27 year old Daughter who is a RPN. Two years ago at the age of 25..she was not paying me rent, was giving all her money to deadbeat bf and in general just being a spoiled brat. At the same time time my marriage was coming to an end, my youngest son was going to college against my wishes to Iowa, and I was running out of steam.
i told my daughter it was time to grow up and move on her own.
Wow who told me to do that??
She hated me, How could I throw her out? Where was she supposed to get money from....remember the girl is a nurse!!!!
She found a place, but had no money for first and last...asked her dad..ya right...of course he didnt help (he never did), so she sold a$4000.00 ring I had given her for $375.00!!!
The girl didn't speak to me for two months!
I extended the olive branch and made contact.
We now speak, she even took me to lunch last week.
She still will throw out there how I threw her out...but its me she calls when she needs help, whether its food or whatever.
I felt she needed to grow up...I had her at the age of 27, the age she is now.

Your daughter will need you sooner than you will need her...she will come around.
Stand strong and dont back down, she will see the light...it may take some time, but it will happen.
I'm in Whitby if you need to talk pm me, you can call me I will send my number.
Hold your head up sweetie, it will all work out....

[Lil Sis]

Well when I started reading I thought I would have words of advice and wisdom...I have a 25 and a 26 year old. The teen age years were very rough.. I sure made mistakes but I will say they are the joy of my heart now.

I believe in tough love...I don't think a mother can be a best friend to a teen age or young 20 year old in that we have to be the adult. It shows more love to stand for what you believe in and not giving into them. I would honestly KILL my girls if they used my card for booze...period. If the older one doesn't want to talk to you..fine.. She will come back when she needs you or sees she was wrong.


I truly feel that your only obligation at this point is to be sure they are safe and ok...

Now .. As I said I did have a hard time. I kicked one child out because I would not let her boyfriend live in our house! No way no how! But I was at the court house with her when the relation turned abusive (which I knew it would) to help with the restraining order and I did not say I told you so. Of course she could come home when she was ready to follow my rules..and now she is 26 and doing well on her own. I had some of the most difficult days of my life with that one!

So.. Hang in there.. Do what you think is best.. Lay down some rules ..

Good luck

[Deadbug]

Pewrhaps the bf's mother should be grateful that you taught your daughter how to cook, clean and do laundry. When she dies, at least her son will have someone to take her place!

People frustrate the crap out of me!

[Tina21]

Thanks to everyone for your advice. Even tho its killing me I am not going to try to contact her. I have spent years trying to make her happy and along the way I lost her respect. I guess thats what happens when you try too hard. My DH, SIL and MIL all are advising me to wait for her to contact me. I am not counting on that happening as she is prideful and stubborn and it would take something big for her to swallow her pride and approach me. The reason I have decided not to contact her is that if I do she will continue to view me as someone with no self respect and she will continue to take me for granted. I love her with all of my heart and its going to take a long time before I stop pretending to be ok and start being ok but enough is enough. The fact that she can be so cold to me when I know I have been nothing but kind is beyond belief. I just pray that there comes a day when she decides that she really does give a crap and that she misses me. I have a feeling however that that day is a long long ways away.

Thanks again, my friends here at YT have never failed to be there when I need help and support and I truly appreciate it.

Tina

[concretegurl]

The fact that she has pride and is strong willed shows strngth in your parenting.
Sometimes when kids become adults parents try to stay parents and fix it, now you can just be her friend.

[McheleM]

Originally Posted by Tina21

Thanks to everyone for your advice. Even tho its killing me I am not going to try to contact her. I have spent years trying to make her happy and along the way I lost her respect. I guess thats what happens when you try too hard. My DH, SIL and MIL all are advising me to wait for her to contact me. I am not counting on that happening as she is prideful and stubborn and it would take something big for her to swallow her pride and approach me. The reason I have decided not to contact her is that if I do she will continue to view me as someone with no self respect and she will continue to take me for granted. I love her with all of my heart and its going to take a long time before I stop pretending to be ok and start being ok but enough is enough. The fact that she can be so cold to me when I know I have been nothing but kind is beyond belief. I just pray that there comes a day when she decides that she really does give a crap and that she misses me. I have a feeling however that that day is a long long ways away.

Thanks again, my friends here at YT have never failed to be there when I need help and support and I truly appreciate it.

Tina

Then tell her that. "I love you and I always will, however I can not allow you to take advantage of me, and I refuse to play into the victim game and drama. When you are ready to show me the respect I deserve as your parent, you know where I am. Until then, you're on your own. Good luck."

They always return to the nest!