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Old 10-01-2010, 12:49 PM   #1
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Cry need advise on how to deal with people...

I know that this is long story, but I really need advise on this.
I've been with my boyfriend for over 5yrs and I had no problem with his family until now...
I've been dog sitting my boyfriend's sister's dog at least twice a week, sometimes 2weeks at a time. About 2 months ago, I was on the phone with my mother and found out that my parents were getting divorced(they've been together over 35yrs), and it was nasty one.
Same day, my boyfriend's sister kept calling me and texting me that I have to watch her dog and she'll drop him off at my place within 30min.
First off, I was talking to my mom for hours(international call) and couldn't hang up on her and I was Kinko's faxing my mom regal documents as well.
After I finished talking to my mother, I got nasty text from my boyfriend's sister saying that I should've return her call and she knew that I was at home??? I text her and try to explain that I was outside and I was on the phone with my mother. Even though I told her that I just found out that my parents were getting divorced, all she cared was the fact that I didn't return her call! Not only that she said all nasty stuffs including how the gucci travel bag she borrowed from me was fake. She was talking nasty stuffs about me to everyone including her other brothers! I was so shocked to find out what kind of person she was... I told her that one of the things that I hate the most is "Fake" being fake, using fake stuff... ...
I told her that I bet $10000 on the bag and she can go to gucci store with me to find out its authenticity. of course, she never took my offer.
She even said that I was divorced(I was never married!) and I practice black magic and my boyfriend is brainwashed by me. I always helped her with anything and I've been givng her many of my desiger outfits and gift that are over $6000! I treated her like my own sister and this is what I get from her. My boyfriend told me that I was too nice to her and she just got used to me not saying "NO" to her. Now all her family members are on her side without knowing anything(they never let me explain to them) It is like their ears are closed, and mouth open. It is totally witch-hunt!!!! If they were strangers, I can just ignore them. but that's not the case, so what should I do????
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Old 10-02-2010, 03:00 PM   #2
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Awwww, Sweetie!!! First I'm sorry about your parents ((((Hugs))))

Second, tell your boyfriend to explain to his parents your side since they won't talk to you. It does sound like you've been more than nice to his sis and I'm sorry you're dealing with all this!
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Old 10-02-2010, 03:14 PM   #3
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Oh yes, tell your boyfriend to explain what happened, his sister is a insecure and she's a user!
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Old 10-02-2010, 04:04 PM   #4
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Awwww, Sweetie!!! First I'm sorry about your parents ((((Hugs))))

Second, tell your boyfriend to explain to his parents your side since they won't talk to you. It does sound like you've been more than nice to his sis and I'm sorry you're dealing with all this!
I totally agree with Gennies.... I'm so sorry about your parents but your boyfriend should explain to his family and if they won't listen, you will have to just let it go. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do.
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Old 10-06-2010, 08:32 PM   #5
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Thank you everyone.

I spoke to my BF, and he told me that his family has poor eastern european mindset of "It is you, not me" If they don't like someone, he or she automatically becomes their enemy. They don't care even if it is them who are wrong. I told my BF that I'm not stopping him from talking to his family, but I'm done with them. like you suggested, I should just forget about them and be positive. thank you for your advices...
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Old 10-07-2010, 05:05 AM   #6
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First off I am sorry to hear about your parents getting a divorce.
Secondly this girl sounds like she has lots the plot!
Sounds like you have been really good to her and she has done nothing to deserve the kindness you have shown her.
Your BF really should stick up for you and tell his family that he will not tolerate them treating you this way.
Sounds like you are better off without them anyway if that is the kind of people they are, just concerntrate on you and your BF because Im sure his family will need you before you need them!
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Old 10-07-2010, 05:54 AM   #7
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My advice may go against the grain and I apologize if I offend anyone. I speak from personal experience, both with inlaws (blessed with good ones for almost 30 years) and the bf's gf's of my three grown children.

I am so very sorry you are having BF family problems. Unfortunately, you can choose a BF, but you can choose your BF's family. They are part of the package deal. It is NOT fair for you to ask or expect your BF to alienate his family on your behalf -- however YOU should not be required to interact with them. If you choose a life long relationship with this man, remember his family will become part of your family and will always be there either as an active part of his life or lurking in the background waiting to cause problems.

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Old 10-07-2010, 06:06 AM   #8
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I would say to let it blow over. Maybe send them a letter telling them that you are hurt that they would think such horrible things about you after all this time. You are going through a hard time yourself with your parents divorce and being so far away from them and you'd appreciate their support instead of their criticism. Once his sister needs something from you again, you'll be back in their good graces. Just remember though, this is WHO they are, and you will inherit them as family if you stay with your boyfriend. Sometimes I find it's easier to appease people and keep your mouth closed so they have no ammo against you, rather than to fight your position. Some people will just never get it. Some people think the world is against them and are always waiting for the other shoe to drop and someone else to 'screw them' (in their eyes).
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Old 10-10-2010, 02:03 AM   #9
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My advice may go against the grain and I apologize if I offend anyone. I speak from personal experience, both with inlaws (blessed with good ones for almost 30 years) and the bf's gf's of my three grown children.

I am so very sorry you are having BF family problems. Unfortunately, you can choose a BF, but you can choose your BF's family. They are part of the package deal. It is NOT fair for you to ask or expect your BF to alienate his family on your behalf -- however YOU should not be required to interact with them. If you choose a life long relationship with this man, remember his family will become part of your family and will always be there either as an active part of his life or lurking in the background waiting to cause problems.
The thing is that my BF doesn't want to deal with his family, cause they are alway negative and complaint about almost everything. I was the one who always told him to call his family to say hi. I know that his family is part of who he is and I tried my best to help him to keep good relationship with them, but sometimes it is just too much. I already paid for his mom's house in FL which was about to be foreclosed. She was supposed to pay me back in 6month. when I asked her for money well after 6month, I became this evil bitch according to her. They always ask me for help and if I don't .... well you know...
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Old 10-10-2010, 02:30 AM   #10
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I would say to let it blow over. Maybe send them a letter telling them that you are hurt that they would think such horrible things about you after all this time. You are going through a hard time yourself with your parents divorce and being so far away from them and you'd appreciate their support instead of their criticism. Once his sister needs something from you again, you'll be back in their good graces. Just remember though, this is WHO they are, and you will inherit them as family if you stay with your boyfriend. Sometimes I find it's easier to appease people and keep your mouth closed so they have no ammo against you, rather than to fight your position. Some people will just never get it. Some people think the world is against them and are always waiting for the other shoe to drop and someone else to 'screw them' (in their eyes).
I'm so thankful that you understand exactly what I'm dealing with...
It is like, they are saying that moon is sun although everyone knows that moon is moon. They just create their own reality and don't except the truth. It is funny how you knew that they'll contact me once they need something from me... His mom called me today to ask my BF to call his father in europe to send her money that he owes. I was like uhhhh.... what about all these time you accusing me of all sort of things? and calling me names? She completely ignored what I said and acted like everything was fine!!! It drove me nuts!!!! I'm serious that if I deal with his family any longer, I'll go insane! I really need to pray for his family or something.
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Old 10-10-2010, 09:47 PM   #11
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First of all you need to pick yourself up and dust yourself off...you are not a door mat so stand up for yourself. You are too good and too easy to be used. Just because they are your bf's family doesn't make you their banker! Inform them you did what you could and it apparently wasn't good enough so you are done. You are standing up for yourself and don't owe them anything. Tell your bf you will not come between his family and himself but you are putting yourself first because it's what you deserve. Good luck, let them say what they want, it just shows what kind of people they are.
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Old 10-11-2010, 04:37 PM   #12
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First of all you need to pick yourself up and dust yourself off...you are not a door mat so stand up for yourself. You are too good and too easy to be used. Just because they are your bf's family doesn't make you their banker! Inform them you did what you could and it apparently wasn't good enough so you are done. You are standing up for yourself and don't owe them anything. Tell your bf you will not come between his family and himself but you are putting yourself first because it's what you deserve. Good luck, let them say what they want, it just shows what kind of people they are.
I think you are right, I really need to put my foot down!
Thank you.
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Old 10-11-2010, 06:06 PM   #13
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No you do not need to put your foot down! I say this from experience...i have been married for 26 years and when i was first engaged i got into a spat with my future sister in law about some trivial thing. This incident really upset me and for years afterward we just avoided each other. It was really uncomfortable and weird! Looking back now i cannot belive how it affected all family holidays and events! It was just not worth all the drama. If you expect to have a future with this man(and like it or not)his family, imo and from my own experience, You really need to make the effort to smooth this over. Even if you know in your heart that you are right! It' hard i know! In-laws do not go away!(no matter how hard we wish they would!!!) Just let it go. It is just not worth it!
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Old 10-11-2010, 06:56 PM   #14
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No you do not need to put your foot down! I say this from experience...i have been married for 26 years and when i was first engaged i got into a spat with my future sister in law about some trivial thing. This incident really upset me and for years afterward we just avoided each other. It was really uncomfortable and weird! Looking back now i cannot belive how it affected all family holidays and events! It was just not worth all the drama. If you expect to have a future with this man(and like it or not)his family, imo and from my own experience, You really need to make the effort to smooth this over. Even if you know in your heart that you are right! It' hard i know! In-laws do not go away!(no matter how hard we wish they would!!!) Just let it go. It is just not worth it!
I have to agree with this. I'm in a similar place with you OP. Been dating my fella for almost 5 years (will be 5 yrs Jan 23rd) and for the life of me I AVOID his family. It's sad and pathetic in my opinion. At first, I started avoiding them because they made me feel weird whenever I would visit, and it's to the point that I just don't want to go to their house at all, even if it's just to spend time with BF. I just don't want to do it. Now, I'm seriously considering a future with this guy, and I do mean marriage, house, white picket fence, and (biting my tongue) even kids. What sad existence will it be to spend all sorts of holidays isolated in a corner because of something so small? (for the record, I'm calling myself sad and pathetic, not you)

I say you should continue to be the bigger person. Tell your SIL that you had a bad day, and that you're sorry you couldn't return her call. If she's still a total witch about it, give it time, and I bet it will blow over.
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Old 10-12-2010, 03:48 AM   #15
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I would say to let it blow over. Maybe send them a letter telling them that you are hurt that they would think such horrible things about you after all this time. You are going through a hard time yourself with your parents divorce and being so far away from them and you'd appreciate their support instead of their criticism. Once his sister needs something from you again, you'll be back in their good graces. Just remember though, this is WHO they are, and you will inherit them as family if you stay with your boyfriend. Sometimes I find it's easier to appease people and keep your mouth closed so they have no ammo against you, rather than to fight your position. Some people will just never get it. Some people think the world is against them and are always waiting for the other shoe to drop and someone else to 'screw them' (in their eyes).
great advice!
I have been married for 12 years. if you plan on having a life with him. dont argue with them, let them believe the are right and act like eveything is okay. it will blow over. a letter may help, you can think before you say anything harsh, tell them how hurt you are and what you are going through right now and if you are to remain as family you all have to get along. LIke the other poster said, dont fight it , some people just dont get it, to fight for your position will never work for some people. it will be harder on you to not accept the way some people are, especially family, than not. AND learn to kindly say NO once in a while, they will appreciate you when you do say yes.
I am so sorry to hear of your parents divorce. I hope things change there too.

Last edited by felicity1008; 10-12-2010 at 03:50 AM. Reason: spell
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