need advice for a cheater

[Jezebel Dutches]

I am absolute devastated. I learned yesterday that my husband of 8 years has been texting other women. I dont mean a casually text here or there. I'm talking nearly 800 text in a week! They are on the phone practically every minute of the day! Has anyone else dealt with the before I desperately need some advice!

[maggiecc]

First off, I am sorry.

Second off, does he know that you know? If yes, has he continued to do it knowing that you know?

I really don't have any advice, but I would like to point out that this happened to my dad a year ago. My mom ended up phone texting, then on to calls and sad to say this but the marriage ended.

If you talk to your husband and he's willing to talk it out with you to find out why, that's the beginning. TALK. Make sure you don't just let this go on, it's not fair to you.

Sorry again.

[chachi]

I think you need to talk to your Husband about it but also you both need to go to marital counciling to help you and him get back on track with your marriage

[Jezebel Dutches]

Yes he does know that I know. What makes it so bad is that this is not the first time this has happened, more like the 3rd. The last time I promised him and myself that I would never let him do this to me again.
Last night when I confronted him about he state as always that they are "just friends." This time he went way to far because the woman is his cray ex.
I just don't know where to turn, I am completely lost. I have always given my all to this marriage.

[yorkie_mama22]

Originally Posted by Jezebel Dutches

Yes he does know that I know. What makes it so bad is that this is not the first time this has happened, more like the 3rd. The last time I promised him and myself that I would never let him do this to me again.
Last night when I confronted him about he state as always that they are "just friends." This time he went way to far because the woman is his cray ex.
I just don't know where to turn, I am completely lost. I have always given my all to this marriage.

I'm so sorry to hear. Have you told him you don't like him doing this? That it hurts and bothers you that he would take so much time out of his day to text an ex or any other woman for that matter?

I don't know how you guys are with texting but I don't even text any of my friends OR husband more then a 10 a day and thats on a good day. I don't even do it every day.

Is there a way for you to see what hes been texting, if its friendly convo or more then that.

If this is the worst he is doing I think going to counselling and talking with someone may be a good option to save your marriage.

[lovmyyorkie]

I'm deeply sorry you are faced to deal with this.... I don't want to give advice because I came from a home of one parent my mom and if she was cheated on once that would be the one and only time and she never looked back.

I'm the same way, but I will tell you this see a divorce attorney before you confront him. They will tell you the best way to secure your future and be prepare for what he may try to hide or come at you for.

Most important I want you to know this is an open forum and he or she can google your name and this will show up, it has happen to a few members here. One girl found out by surprise in court.... just watch what you say.

Best of Luck!

[Jezebel Dutches]

We both use our phone to text a lot, but not 800 text in a week! The last time I caught him talking to another female on the phone I moved out of our house. Eventually we worked things out and he stated that he knew what he was doing was wrong and would NEVER do it again. Maybe I'm just a fool for believing him!

[chachi]

Originally Posted by Jezebel Dutches

We both use our phone to text a lot, but not 800 text in a week! The last time I caught him talking to another female on the phone I moved out of our house. Eventually we worked things out and he stated that he knew what he was doing was wrong and would NEVER do it again. Maybe I'm just a fool for believing him!

You are not a fool. There is a new way of cheating with the internet and texting that the spouse has contact with others but not intimate contact and that is probably whats going on. You need to talk to a professional because you have trust issues now and he does so someone can show him why what he is doing is wrong and how it is hurting you. I really believe if you dont get outside help he will just do it again because its an addiction

[RoscoesMommy42]

I have gone through this exact thing more than once. It sucks really bad. My husband just couldn't understand why I was upset because they were "just friends" and he wasn't "cheating". Of course one of the "friends" I found out he was telling her we weren't together and he was living with his mom!! Why would you tell a friend something like that when it isn't true?? Everytime he would promise not to do it again, but of course he did. We are still together, and things are good right now, but I just keep waiting for the next time. I know you are hurting and it is so hard. If you would like to talk, feel free to PM me.

[hartygirl]

Please don't take this as what you should do but simply as what I would do.

If I were financially independent I would file for a divorce and ask him to leave, change the locks and begin the healing process. If I needed help with $ I'd sell everything I didn't need, find a job or way to supplement my income then I'd leave or ask him to leave. Sad to say $ plays a big role in what you can and can not do ;(

There are people out there that you could be with that would not treat you like that, you deserve respect, truth and love.

I'm all for trying to work through problems with a counselor and divorce is always a last resort, but cheating is a line you can't un-cross. IMO.

[nana911]

If this is his 3rd time it means that you have already established the pattern in your marriage that he does what he wants, you find out, get hurt, cry, demand he stop, he makes obligatory promise, repeat. Obviously, he is not going to change, why should he? You have thus far proven that you will tolerate his behavior.
If there is a reason such as small kids, economic necessity, whatever, you need to sit down and understand why you are justifying the marriage. Also, bear in mind if you do have children what they witness in your marriage will leave a lasting impression on what they believe is acceptable in theirs.
You need to decide if all his other qualities truly outweigh this egregious breach of trust and the sanctity of your vows. Can you live with knowing that he will continue to do this the rest of your married lives together in order to keep whatever the other qualities he provides are, is it worth it? Is subjugating your feelings, pride and what is important to you worth the trade off? What are you getting to make up for it?
I've been married 3 times 18yrs, 18wks, and now 15yrs. What I have learned is that when you are married to the right person you don't look outside the marriage for fulfillment, sexual, friendship or anything else. You have friends and a social life, even with the opposite sex, but not the kind of intimate conversations that you can't repeat to your spouse. If you're married to the right person you shouldn't have any conversation, text, email, lunch, activity, experience..anything that you can't repeat verbatim, moment by moment to your spouse with no worries. Your spouse is your best friend. If there is anything you can't share with him/her then there is deceit and that is a problem.
You have a lot of soul searching and thinking to do. I've been in your shoes, those shoes hurt.
I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Jezebel Dutches]

Fortunately we do not have any children. I have a good job and can support myself. The problem I will have is we just built a very expensive house on land that was deeded to me from my great grandfather. I will have to struggle to make the house payment alone...the house can not be sold because the land it was built on has been in my family for over 300 years.

[hartygirl]

Could you find a room mate? I know that's easier said than done.

nana911, sounds like a great voice of experience and I agree with her about :
What I have learned is that when you are married to the right person you don't look outside the marriage for fulfillment, sexual, friendship or anything else. You have friends and a social life, even with the opposite sex, but not the kind of intimate conversations that you can't repeat to your spouse. If you're married to the right person you shouldn't have any conversation, text, email, lunch, activity, experience..anything that you can't repeat verbatim, moment by moment to your spouse with no worries. Your spouse is your best friend. If there is anything you can't share with him/her then there is deceit and that is a problem.

I hope you can reach down within yourself and find the strength you need, if times are tough for a while because of the house situation just think of how good they will be later when this is far in the past.

[janetcerdas]

Originally Posted by nana911

If this is his 3rd time it means that you have already established the pattern in your marriage that he does what he wants, you find out, get hurt, cry, demand he stop, he makes obligatory promise, repeat. Obviously, he is not going to change, why should he? You have thus far proven that you will tolerate his behavior.
If there is a reason such as small kids, economic necessity, whatever, you need to sit down and understand why you are justifying the marriage. Also, bear in mind if you do have children what they witness in your marriage will leave a lasting impression on what they believe is acceptable in theirs.
You need to decide if all his other qualities truly outweigh this egregious breach of trust and the sanctity of your vows. Can you live with knowing that he will continue to do this the rest of your married lives together in order to keep whatever the other qualities he provides are, is it worth it? Is subjugating your feelings, pride and what is important to you worth the trade off? What are you getting to make up for it?
I've been married 3 times 18yrs, 18wks, and now 15yrs. What I have learned is that when you are married to the right person you don't look outside the marriage for fulfillment, sexual, friendship or anything else. You have friends and a social life, even with the opposite sex, but not the kind of intimate conversations that you can't repeat to your spouse. If you're married to the right person you shouldn't have any conversation, text, email, lunch, activity, experience..anything that you can't repeat verbatim, moment by moment to your spouse with no worries. Your spouse is your best friend. If there is anything you can't share with him/her then there is deceit and that is a problem.
You have a lot of soul searching and thinking to do. I've been in your shoes, those shoes hurt.
I'm sorry you're going through this.

Very well said

I'm sorry you have to go through this !

[pawever Yorkie]

I'm so sorry...
My parents went through same thing and all I can tell you is that you need to look at your own relationship through other person's perspective or better yet through your husband's perspective and it might help you to understand why he did what he did.
I had hours and hours of talk with my mom about why my father cheated on my mom and found out that my father was very insecure man and needed my mom to assure him that he was the only man she needed in her life. Don't beat yourself about it, cring about it blaming him won't help trust me(my mother spent years blaming, cring...etc) keep your head held high and know that you are worth more than that. Be strong and don't forget that you deserve better relationship whether with your hubby or someone else.
my prayers are with you.