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Old 12-16-2009, 07:08 AM   #1
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Default relationship help please?!?

so i will try to catch you up and make it short as possible. so every month i always get this feeling of unhappiness and the need/want to leave my boyfriend. at the end of july i broke up with him and moved back into my moms house about 2 months later i caught a girl in our old apartment hiding in the closet i was so mad and he yelled for her to get out, after that he begged me back i got back with him. when i asked him about the whole girl thing he lied about everything i heard she stayed there 2 times and i know we broke up but if he still loved me why would he get with another girl? he must of planned having sex with her if he even got a condom from his brother?! he said he had sex with here because he missed me and he felt alone?!? but anyways he later on after a month getting back together proposed to me i said yes. and now i found out that he still hasnt told his parents after 3 months that we were engaged he says because there not close like that but i think thats still wired, so i gave him the ring back i thought that if he really wanted to get married to me he would give it back soon. but he said he wont give it back till like jan, or feb. to me thats strange too. i keep feeling like maybe i am holding onto are past because we had a kid and lost it so i keep thinking am i holding on to that for an excuse to stay with him? and if so is that right of me? i dont want to make a mistake. i dont know what to do? please help me. stay or go? i love him so much and it will be 3 years soon.
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Old 12-16-2009, 07:55 AM   #2
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Go!!! Follow your gut feeling!!! Yiou cannot find Mr Right while you are holding on to Mr Wrong.

You don't say how old you are, but it sounds like mid 20's at least. At that age people are looking for a mate, not just dating.

if he has not figured out after 3 years that he wants to be with you for life, then he never will.

My daughter was in a simillar relationship. It was on and off for years. He too gave her a ring, to get her to come back to him, but would not set a date. She finally go up nerve enough to leave him for good, and in less than a year she met her husband, they now have two beautiful children.

So move on. There are better things ahead.

Last edited by JeanieK; 12-16-2009 at 07:56 AM.
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Old 12-16-2009, 08:02 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JeanieK View Post
Go!!! Follow your gut feeling!!! Yiou cannot find Mr Right while you are holding on to Mr Wrong.

You don't say how old you are, but it sounds like mid 20's at least. At that age people are looking for a mate, not just dating.

if he has not figured out after 3 years that he wants to be with you for life, then he never will.

My daughter was in a simillar relationship. It was on and off for years. He too gave her a ring, to get her to come back to him, but would not set a date. She finally go up nerve enough to leave him for good, and in less than a year she met her husband, they now have two beautiful children.

So move on. There are better things ahead.
im 22 and he is 24 we did set a date in 2012 in Aug its just hard the whole girl thing still bothers me i didnt do anything with anyone when we were separated because i love him
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Old 12-16-2009, 09:22 AM   #4
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The other girl thing, if you guys were broken up I don't really see how you can blame him for what he did while you were broke up. If it was just a seperation or some time apart it would be different in my eyes.

I was married and about every month I would get the urge to leave, like things weren't working out and I just told myself it was PMS and I was being cranky. Eventually it got where it was an all the time feeling, so listen to your gut.
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Old 12-16-2009, 10:02 AM   #5
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I wonder what you would advise your own daughter if this where her in this situation??......

You can't just look at the bits and pieces of the "good times" in your relationship.... you have to remove your emotions from your decision and look at the totality of the relationship and honestly say to your self....Overall is this a good relationship for me? .....Do I want to spend the rest of my life like this?.....Over all is this a bad choice??......Ask yourself if your really denying, ignoring, rationalizing, or justifying , a bad choice just so you don't have to be alone or start over with someone new???

Love is not enough, there are issues of honor, admiration, respect, mutuality, sacrifice, acceptance, supportiveness, similarity of life values and morality, to name a few....are you both on the same page in what you want in life???

I'm not saying this is what is happening in your situation, but, sad to say a lot of women will tolerate a bad relationship with a man who is controlling, selfish, insecure, destructive, or who has immature behaviors so as to not to have to make the decision to leave......These sorts of behaviors from the man becomes things to work around rather than qualities to examine to decide on his worthiness to you.....This is a time to be totally honest with yourself, your decision to stay or go is ultimately yours, just do it for all the right reasons and not because you have mushy feelings for him....Good luck to you in what ever you decide.......
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Old 12-16-2009, 04:36 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jp4m2 View Post
I wonder what you would advise your own daughter if this where her in this situation??......

You can't just look at the bits and pieces of the "good times" in your relationship.... you have to remove your emotions from your decision and look at the totality of the relationship and honestly say to your self....Overall is this a good relationship for me? .....Do I want to spend the rest of my life like this?.....Over all is this a bad choice??......Ask yourself if your really denying, ignoring, rationalizing, or justifying , a bad choice just so you don't have to be alone or start over with someone new???

Love is not enough, there are issues of honor, admiration, respect, mutuality, sacrifice, acceptance, supportiveness, similarity of life values and morality, to name a few....are you both on the same page in what you want in life???

I'm not saying this is what is happening in your situation, but, sad to say a lot of women will tolerate a bad relationship with a man who is controlling, selfish, insecure, destructive, or who has immature behaviors so as to not to have to make the decision to leave......These sorts of behaviors from the man becomes things to work around rather than qualities to examine to decide on his worthiness to you.....This is a time to be totally honest with yourself, your decision to stay or go is ultimately yours, just do it for all the right reasons and not because you have mushy feelings for him....Good luck to you in what ever you decide.......

you are so right......
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Old 12-17-2009, 11:38 AM   #7
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Oh gosh, move on! I dated a guy off and on like that for 10 years.... always breaking up, starting to move on then he'd come back, beg me back and I'd go... this went on for 9 years, finally I was ready to go and he proposed... stuck around for 5 more months then ended it for good. He came back after that but after a broken engagement there is no way. There are other fish in the sea who are not so wishy washy. He should be PROUD to be your fiance and ready to tell the world. If he is ready to propose he should be ready to be by your side, not hide it from his own family. Something is fishy is right, this guy is not ready for that. If you are, then move on to greener pastures!
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Old 12-17-2009, 12:22 PM   #8
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I have been in a very similar situation and take it from me that when you are in the situation you cannot seem to see yourself without the other person; but once you are out of the relationship and things normalize you will wonder what the heck you were thinking.

I dated the same man for nearly 6 years. It was always a very tumultuous relationship, in fact the night we met he vomited on me which should’ve been my first clue…Every time a significant event in my life would come up, or a stressful period would be happening, such as law school exams, he would break up with me. Then a couple weeks later he would roll back around. One summer he went so far as to track me down in France and profess his undying love, etc…Well I got home and he broke up with me a few weeks later. Then I was headed to Alaska for a summer internship and he sure enough broke up with me, but not before he called me one night before I left crying to come visit him and when it was obvious another girl had been there he made up some ridiculous lie, later confessing when he popped up in Alaska for a surprise visit and saying he could not tell me because he just wanted to be close to me and he had only done it because he was so depressed over us…Well as soon as he saw signs I was moving on, there he was back again. The next year he broke up with me around my birthday so he could go out drinking with a casual acquaintance, the day of our law school graduation (a day before we were supposed to go on a trip to Argentina that I paid for) all culminating one year later when he shows up a day late for my birthday party and announces he is moving to Atlanta with no prior warning. Once he is there though he still keeps me hanging on, has me flying all around the country to see him, etc, until I find an invoice for a dating service in his apartment…Well you would think that would have been the end of it…Oh know flash forward another year when he starts breaking into my email and discovers that I have indeed been moving on. Well he reappears in Seattle yet again and we get a long for a short time until he becomes enraged with me at a bar over issues related to his family and how he thinks I love Bruce, yes my dog too much. He screams at me in public, the whole bit. Well we sort of reconcile and he goes back to Georgia and I receive an email with him detailing how upset he is about the bar situation and how I forced him to be a jerk to me and he will never see or speak to me again…That was about the point I woke up to the reality of the situation. Now almost two years later I am one thousand times happier, have moved on and met someone that is deserving of my love and attention and feel so much better about myself…And guess who resurfaced, still alone, still somewhat unhappy and still trying to be involved in my life?

The reason I tell you this is because men who are like this, who are fickle, who put you through what amounts to emotional torture are one thing… They are selfish. Selfish and narcissistic to the point that they almost cannot see what they are putting their partners through and most like wouldn’t care if they could. From experience I know that constantly putting up with this sort of behavior and forgiving it in a relationship will not ever fix it but rather set the expectation that they can have their cake and eat it too. There really is something to the idea that we teach people how to treat us. Sure it hurts now, but you make up your mind that you are not going to put up with this crap and that you deserve better, and eventually it will stop hurting and better still it will never be able to hurt you again! Trust me, once you start treating yourself with respect and realize your own value the next guy you meet will too. Do not let 3 years turn into 6 years or 10 years.
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Old 12-17-2009, 12:28 PM   #9
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yeah he know i was thinking of braking up with him and he bought me a rose and put a note saying that he will always get me flowers to reflect on my beauty
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Old 01-08-2010, 04:14 AM   #10
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you need to be with someone you can trust. a relationship without trust is not a relationship anyone should be in.

good luck to you.
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Old 01-08-2010, 05:27 AM   #11
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When I was about your age I dated a guy I was crazy about. For 2 plus years he went hot & cold on me. Loved me, cheated on me, broke up with me, begged for me to come back. The last time he tried to come back I said no...it was so hard to say but our relationship was toxic. I've never regretted it.
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Old 01-08-2010, 07:24 AM   #12
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It is soo true , you will never find Mr Right while wasting your time with Mr. Wrong.
Resentment is one of the hardest things to get over, because you feel like he cheated you will probably never trust him again.
If you are even thinking about breaking up with him and moving on then DO IT.
I find it quite odd , no matter what the relationship is with his parents that he would not tell them you are engaged.. so you would be marrying a man who hides you from his family... Being engaged is supposed to be one of the happiest most joyful days of your life , no matter what his relationship ,he should at least let his parents know????? Do you know his parents???
When you really are truely in love you dont question it, you dont wonder about moving on or trusting or anything... sometimes at your age you just get comfortable and afraid to move on... I hope you take sometime and really think if you are truely in love with him or just " comfortable" with him because its just easy to stay!!
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Old 01-08-2010, 08:14 AM   #13
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Why don't you take some time to yourself and not date anybody. You will grow up a lot (not meaning you are immature) and find out a lot about yourself. You will discover that there are certain things in life that are important to you and certain qualities in a man you want. After some time to yourself you can re evaluate your relationship with this guy. Marriage is not on again off again. It is permanent. If you cannot achieve this while dating you certainly will not achieve it while married. And once you are broke up, whether it is one day or two weeks, he is a free man to do as he wishes. If you are thinking that he is sitting at home waiting on you to call or misrible because you are not there, you are terribly wrong.
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Old 01-08-2010, 08:27 AM   #14
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Not good at relationship advice, but I wanted to tell you that I hope everything works out for you whatever you decide!!
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Old 01-08-2010, 08:50 AM   #15
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If your this confused and hurt now, how will you feel AFTER you marry him?
I'm sure Mr. Right is out there somewhere, this dosen't sound like a
trustworthy relationship at all.
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