Am I in the worng here?

[IHeartSnS]

This is goin to be a really long post, so I'm sorry but I'm feeling like I would rather be at work than home.

First let me give you a little background on my husbands family. His mom is a functioning alcoholic, his dad is a raging violent alcoholic who has been to jail numerous times because of it. He has one full brother (Pete) who has been to jail many times for drugs and other stupid things and one sister who is also a functioning alcohoic. I don't know how he isnt a nut case too but he's honestly the only normal one. I've been dating him since I was 15 (I'm now 22) and I always liked his mom and sister but couldn't stand his dad or brother, which he knew.

Ok so now let me tell you a little about Pete (the older brother), I haven't liked him since I met him 7 years ago. When I did meet him it was on his home coming from jail. He is the kind of guy that thinks that he his gods gift to women and if they don't feel that way towards him he thinks its ok to physicaly and emotionaly abuse them. Obviously not something I agree with. He decided that he needed to start his life over so 2 months after the DH and I got married he decided he was going to move out to California (where we lived) and start over. My DH asked if it was ok if Pete stayed with us for a week or two till he got on his feet, I said ok but made it very clear that I didn't want him there. So three months later Pete is still at my house and DH leaves for Iraq. Now that just me and Pete are there he thinks he should be the "man of the house" but he has lived under my roof for free, never paid rent, never helped with utilites, never bought food, pretty much I never got any money from him. So I was the "man of the house" because it was my house and I paid the bills. He didn't like this and on numerous occasions cursed me out. I told DH that I wanted him out of the house and he kept saying just hold on for me he has no where else to go. So I kept dealing with it. Eventually I got so tired of him I told him to get out or I was calling the cops and he did get out and amazingly found an appartment the next day. He owes me over $2,000 that I know I will never see.

So now let me tell you about Zach. He is my DH's half brother they have the same alcoholic dad but Zach's mom is a crack head and can barley take care of herself. So Zach was living with his sister and her family. Well he decided he needed to go to school and act like an idot high. He got caught and expelled so now he needs to go to a new school, hmmm where will he go. Of course to us, my DH asked me if he could come and I said absolutley not because I didn't want another episode of Pete. But my Dh said there was no where else for him to go so he's coming here. (There are a trillion aunts and uncles in that family he could have gone with. I really feel like my opinion means nothing in that house). So I've opened my house up to yet another brother. This boy is 17 and the most disrespectful ungracious person I have ever met. He thinks it's acceptable to do what he wants when he wants and doesn't have to follow the rules. He constantly talks about how he's F&*K that B*#&H, every time he sees a pretty girl, around me (I don't want to hear that have a little respect for women pig!) and he thinks he should be able to drink alcohol with no punishment (he's 17!) He told me that when he gets a girl friend down here he is going to have sex with her as loud as he can and he doesn't care what we think. And I work nights and sleep during the day and he doesn't seem to know what the word quiet means. My DH told me that Zach would have a job within his first week here and it's been 2 weeks and he's only filled out 3 applications. I'm so tired of this brat being in my house.

My DH and I have spent no time together since Zach got here we never just sit down and talk anymore, never go out, never do anything! I can honestly say that in two weeks I've grown to hate Zach, I know hate is a strong word but he is destroying me! I feel like my DH has a blind fold over his eyes to this entier situation just like he did with Pete, he doesn't take into consideration how I feel and is only worring about his family not our life together. He doesn't see anything wrong with Zach living his life the way he is and being rude and drinking. We've been married for 2 years on September 14th and due to deployments and brothers have only spent 14 months together alone. We just bought a new house but have yet to be able to enjoy it, I just want to be newlyweds and start a family of our own and not have to deal with other peoples problems.

What really set me off was what happened tonight. We were eating dinner and my DH accidentaly let it slip that when we were moving in in March Zach, who came to help us move, got so drunk after I went to sleep that he ended up throwing up. Now in March Zach had only been 17 for 2 months, I also told him absolutley NO ALCOHOL in my house because he had been talking about it all day, and my biggest pet peve in the world is people that don't know their limits and drink till they throw up. My DH knows this because I've gotten mad at him for it in the past. So this freaking kid went behind my back, drank, threw up and then both of them kept it a secret from me. I feel betrayed. Why does my DH not punish his behavior? I feel like an outsider in my house. I have to watch Zach play video games all night, I have to listen to Zach's music we eat what Zach wants, my husband does whatever Zach wants. I understand that my husband now has someone to "play" with but damn it you have bigger responsibilites than going out with him all the time. Isnt he supposed to be spoiling me, I am his wife.

So am I wrong for being mad about this whole situation? Am I wrong for not wanting him in my house? The whole drinking thing did happen before he was living with us and even before he got kicked out of school but still, if he can't respect me then when he's a guest in my hosue am I ever going to get respect? I'm ready to ask to go on a deployment just to get away from everything. Zach turns 18 in January and I have the ability to drug test him (I'm a lab tech) so if he screws up after Jaunary he's out but I don't know if I can make it till then, I don't want to be 22 and divorced because of this stupid kid. I've been crying so much over this I think I'm out of tears.

I told you it was going to be long! Sorry!

[IHeartSnS]

I just thought of something else! I have never once gotten a thankyou from any one for all that I have given up and done for this family. I love my husband more than anything in the world but if I would have known my life was going to be like this I would have never gotten married.

[LuvMySissy]

Your hubby may not be an alcohol or on drugs, but he is very co-dependent on his family and their addictions - thus the need to provide a place to take care of everyone and not have any consequences.

I think the only way you two are going to make it here it to get some counseling as a couple and for him to learn appropriate boundaries and that his behavior is helping no one, but rather allowing them to continue to be dysfunctional.

Sending you tons of prayers as this is very difficult to deal with.

[celstu1]

Lots of people confused 'helping' with 'enabling'. Your hubby enabled his brother to be a loser still... but once you kicked him out, see how quickly he got on his feet? Your hubby needs to learn the line between helping and enabling! Maybe you should research them and sit down with hubby and tell him the difference and try to point out what he is doing and try to make him see how hes not helping actually at all, he's enabling. Maybe you could talk to Zach about how great the military is and he'll join when he's 18. It will give him a focus, a career and get him out of your house. It would probably help him CLEAN up his life and gain more respect for woman and other human beings and boundries.

Zach clearly had no real upbringing with the way his parents sound. Remember too, he was taught by his parents, you are trying to correct 17 years of bad upbringing in less than a year, it just won't happen in that short of a time. It does not help that you are not much older than him and almost like a parent to him. Hard on you both. I feel for you!

[TOY]

Oh, my dear, my heart goes out to you. I cannot begin to imagine the turmoil you have been through but you are a better woman than me because there is no way I could/would still be putting up with that.

It sounds as though you and your husband are both in the military. Is it possible for you to get counseling through that route or perhaps a pastor? It sounds to me that your husband needs to be reminded of his vow to "forsake all others."

I think you realize that your husband had a tragic childhood...at least it sounds that way. Unfortunately, he is still trying to "fix" things so that his family can be normal like everyone else's.

He really needs some guidance or teaching about tough love. Honestly, since it sounds like he has been the rescuer all his life, it is not going to be easy for him to change. Not only will his family probably give him all sorts of grief when he tries to separate himself from them, he will also (more than likely) also view himself as abandoning them. I'm not doubting his love for you but he is still trying to do what he's tried to do all his life: "fix" his broken family.

I know you love him but you may not be able to "survive" living with him. I would never advise someone to separate or divorce because that is such a personal decision but I do think there is a point in a relationship with anyone where you have to pull back if it is poisoning your own life.

I cannot imagine not being respected in my own home. I think that would be the line in the sand for me. I realize you said you have just purchased a home but is it possible (if you are military) for you two to request an assignment overseas or such? It sounds like to me that removal from the situation is the best option. Therefore, if you can't get rid of the relatives, try to remove your husband and yourself.

Drastic? Yes, but unless you are a saint or your husband can learn to ignore his "obligations" (I do think he probably views this as such), this is going to continue to fester.

Personally, I think your husband needs to realize that you are being emotionally abused in your own home. I'm afraid he's not able to see the whole picture.

[Princessangela3]

It seems that your DH is already taking you and your feelings for granted. Shame on him for moving someone in even though you said no. I think that it is time for you to tell him it is either you or his family members in the house. I would give him 1 week and if he hasnt left then you pack up and move out. Let DH think about what he wants more in his life. I think it is a HORRIBLE decision on his part to not consider your feelings and to ALLOW his family members to be so abusive to you. You DO NOT deserve the disrespect or verbal abuse. I feel husbands are supposed to prevent situations like this from happening not bring it home. If this continues you will only end up totally resenting your DH and end up divorced anyways. Save your marriage now, move the family member out forever. Once the family members are out make it VERY clear NO MORE family members!!

[RachelandSadie]

A man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife...

Forsaking all others and keep yourselves only for each other...

This man has not learned that his family no longer comes before his wife because you ARE his family. My husband had to learn this the hard way and i think he finally has. All through college he put his family first, i would be to see him or be with him, but if he wanted to see his parents or brother that came BEFORE seeing me. he lived with them for a year and it crushed my soul because his mother is a crazy, manipulative, mental case, and his family treats him like crap. I hated that he would ever put his mother first after the stuff she's put him through. But he always always did and then finally after we got married, i got really really sick, i was in the hospital and in and out of drs and nobody knew what was wrong with me...we were supposed to go to Chicago to his older brother and wife's baby shower and i wasn't about to go with them being that sick and not being able to eat anything. his family never cared enough about my health or me to make sure i got good healthy meals and rest, his mother would drive me nuts on an 8 hour drive and they can't cook or care for others at all, his mom can't cook anything that she can't reheat somehow. so i stayed with my parents for that weekend and Mike went with his parents to Chicago....i let him go, i left his presence and went to my own home...he missed me, he hated being gone from me, and realized that from that point on I COME FIRST...so finally i have made him see that I'm the wife, I AM HIS FAMILY NOW..

for your situation, i would absolutely put my foot down, no person married less than 5 years should EVER for the sake of their marriage let someone else live with them or live with someone else. it should just be the two of you...i can't tell you how many times i've heard a friend that just got married and had a cousin or relative move in to get back on their feet...this is BULL CRAP. if someone really didn't have a place to go they would treat you better than that, they'd be out looking for a job 24/7 and they'd be paying their own rent, food, bills, ext. as soon as they could.

i would never ever under any circumstances allow another person to live in my home as a newly wed. it's a recipe for disaster in our marriage. we have enough struggles in our own finances and our own lives and schedules to not be dealing with some juvenile delinquent brat!!

you should get that child out of your house immediately and send him to an aunt or uncle. if you husband doesn't respect you enough to support your feelings or choices i'd say move out girl and show him that you are too good to take that kind of emotional beating from him or his family and if he can't learn to give up his screwed up family and all their baggage for you, then you simply will have no choice but to give up him...your life shouldn't be dragging through their mental and emotional mud...get outta that situation ASAP and if hubbie can't come along with you on your way out of this heck hole than leave him in the pit with the mess...he should support you if he really does love you as his wife whom he left his family to be with....

good luck, i'll be praying a lot for your situation and by golly stand up for yourself before you two end up on Dr. Phil!!! you are too good for dealing with a life like that!!

[capt_noonie]

I have to agree with pretty much all that has been posted already. I feel for you and your situation. No one should feel like that in their own house, and esp not a newlywed! If I were staying at someone else's house, I would try to be quiet, clean, help out even with dishes or cooking if I didn't have money. By this kid's behaviour he doesn't respect the help he's getting from you and your DH. Kids like him make me never want to have kids. And there are a LOT of those around here, makes me sick.

If no one else wants to take him in, why should you? Is your DH still deployed or is he back at home now? If he is still deployed I would take matters into your own hands and call the cops the next time this kid gets drunk. Let DH know that you need to be part of the marriage and not only his decisions are valid. You are his WIFE, not his secretary, not his employee, not his child, and you should demand that he treat you as such.

Last thing I want to say, here goes... You were very young when you met your DH and were still young when you married him. People grow up and sometimes they grow apart. If what he wants in life (or what he believes his duty is in life) is not what you want, it may be time to separate. Not all people believe in divorce, but sometimes it is an avenue some must go. If I were to think about if I married who I was with when I was 15! OMG I probably would have either killed him or myself.

[Cinq1964]

I also agree with the other posts. I wish you the best of luck!

[shamrocks]

Originally Posted by TOY

Oh, my dear, my heart goes out to you. I cannot begin to imagine the turmoil you have been through but you are a better woman than me because there is no way I could/would still be putting up with that.

It sounds as though you and your husband are both in the military. Is it possible for you to get counseling through that route or perhaps a pastor? It sounds to me that your husband needs to be reminded of his vow to "forsake all others."

I think you realize that your husband had a tragic childhood...at least it sounds that way. Unfortunately, he is still trying to "fix" things so that his family can be normal like everyone else's.

He really needs some guidance or teaching about tough love. Honestly, since it sounds like he has been the rescuer all his life, it is not going to be easy for him to change. Not only will his family probably give him all sorts of grief when he tries to separate himself from them, he will also (more than likely) also view himself as abandoning them. I'm not doubting his love for you but he is still trying to do what he's tried to do all his life: "fix" his broken family.

I know you love him but you may not be able to "survive" living with him. I would never advise someone to separate or divorce because that is such a personal decision but I do think there is a point in a relationship with anyone where you have to pull back if it is poisoning your own life.

I cannot imagine not being respected in my own home. I think that would be the line in the sand for me. I realize you said you have just purchased a home but is it possible (if you are military) for you two to request an assignment overseas or such? It sounds like to me that removal from the situation is the best option. Therefore, if you can't get rid of the relatives, try to remove your husband and yourself.

Drastic? Yes, but unless you are a saint or your husband can learn to ignore his "obligations" (I do think he probably views this as such), this is going to continue to fester.

Personally, I think your husband needs to realize that you are being emotionally abused in your own home. I'm afraid he's not able to see the whole picture.

I would have given him a week to find a job & if he was not successful I would have taken him to a homeless shelter.

[ladyjane]

I am sorry that you are going through this. Alcoholism is a difficult disease to deal with.
My suggestion is that you find an Alanon meeting and go! You will meet people who have been through and/or going through what you are. I promise you will feel better after one meeting and want to go more!
No one can advise you what to do in this situation. Further, you really cannot advise your husband.
You have a right to your feelings and you also have a right to set limits! The limits you set should be yours..no one elses and you are not wrong!
I do not believe in doing things because I expect results from another person. I do them because it is what makes me happy! That is basically what you will learn in Alanon.
My best to you...I will pray for all of you. Which is another thing...pray for Zach! I have seen many alcoholics say that the only reason they probably quit was because people prayed for them.

[IHeartSnS]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I printed out a copy of my original post and left it out for my husband to read, I figured it would be easier for him to read it than for me to try and explain it and have him keep interupting me. What he said was that he didn't realize I felt this way (I don't know if I beleive that or not, I put up a huge fight when we brought him here, does he think my feelings just changed?) But he also said that he was being lenient on him because he was just uprooted from his life and friends and the DH wanted him to have time to adjust. He started school this last Monday and now knows some people around here so its time to grow up. My DH said that he was going to talk to Zach and set the rules, they had this talk before I was up so I'm not sure how it actually went.

Zach was never in a "home" he was always passed around from house to house so I understand that he wasn't really raised right, but I still think he should be gracious for being in such a good house now, he said the other day that he has been more taken care of in our house in a week than he was in his entier life. I am the nuturing type and in normal cases always welcome anyone to my house but I don't expect to get slapped in the face because of it as I have been. We have to keep him till he turns 18 in January DH has full custody of him now. But after that pretty much I have my mind made up that he's out. We will see how this next week goes now that he knows what's expected of him and if things don't start to change he's getting shipped back to PA.

My husband and I have an amazing relationship when there aren't interuptions. I don't know if you've seen the Notebook or not but that is literaly the story of our life (I still cry like a baby every time I see it because of that). I think he just likes having a boy around to play with and knows that we are Zachs best chance at a real life. Zach already said he is joining the Air Force when he gets out of high school. I just dont know if i can make it till then...

[urbnalbino]

I have faith in you. With the help of God and faith in Him, you can do absolutely anything. I am glad that you let your husband read your post so he knows how you really feel. I will pray that your situation improves. I hope that bratty kid will join the Air Force because I know it can help teach him right from wrong, but what it really sounds like he needs is Jesus.

[Mom to Hot Rod]

I am so sorry that you are having to go thru this. It is never easy when it comes to family. While I had different issues I went thru some family things a couple of years back. Hubby just couldn't understand why I would be upset at things. We fought terribly about a lot of things over it.

Anyhow, sounds like you hubby needs to decide if he's going to continue enabling his family or if he is going to let them "grow up". It's obvious that this family has some severe issues and if your hubby continues to ignore them and how you feel, yes you 2 will not be in a good situation.

Not making any excuses for you DH but I am sure that he feels that he is between a rock and a hard spot, try a different approach with him. He has been dealing with this for a very long time, he may not know what else to do or that he is doing anything wrong. He definitely needs to find an alanon group. My MIL did and it was the best thing for them. Good luck and hugs to you.

[Rerun201]

[QUOTE=TOY;2775334]Oh, my dear, my heart goes out to you. I cannot begin to imagine the turmoil you have been through but you are a better woman than me because there is no way I could/would still be putting up with that.

It sounds as though you and your husband are both in the military. Is it possible for you to get counseling through that route or perhaps a pastor? It sounds to me that your husband needs to be reminded of his vow to "forsake all others."

I think you realize that your husband had a tragic childhood...at least it sounds that way. Unfortunately, he is still trying to "fix" things so that his family can be normal like everyone else's.

He really needs some guidance or teaching about tough love. Honestly, since it sounds like he has been the rescuer all his life, it is not going to be easy for him to change. Not only will his family probably give him all sorts of grief when he tries to separate himself from them, he will also (more than likely) also view himself as abandoning them. I'm not doubting his love for you but he is still trying to do what he's tried to do all his life: "fix" his broken family.

I know you love him but you may not be able to "survive" living with him. I would never advise someone to separate or divorce because that is such a personal decision but I do think there is a point in a relationship with anyone where you have to pull back if it is poisoning your own life.

I cannot imagine not being respected in my own home. I think that would be the line in the sand for me. I realize you said you have just purchased a home but is it possible (if you are military) for you two to request an assignment overseas or such? It sounds like to me that removal from the situation is the best option. Therefore, if you can't get rid of the relatives, try to remove your husband and yourself.

Drastic? Yes, but unless you are a saint or your husband can learn to ignore his "obligations" (I do think he probably views this as such), this is going to continue to fester.

Personally, I think your husband needs to realize that you are being emotionally abused in your own home. I'm afraid he's not able to see the whole picture.[/QUOTE

Once again, I am amazed by the wisdom in your posts. I agree with what you have said here. I also married a "rescuer" and I was also the child of an abusive alcoholic. Your DH is dealing with things that he may not be able to handle on his own, but you cannot fix this for him. I strongly urge counseling for both of you, in order to try and work this out. I will tell you it is possible, but it will take hard work on both your parts. He has learned a behavior that will take time to unlearn. I will pray that you both find peace.