Help with wedding party problems

[linz06]

I am my best friend's Maid of Honor for her wedding in June. Our friend Jen is another bridesmaid. We have all known for over a year that we are going to be in this wedding, and it will cost us time and money. Jen was supposed to go to my friend's house (a 6 hour drive for me, a 3 hour drive for her) a couple of weeks ago when I went, so that we could all help out with guest favors. Jen decided instead to stay home and party. I know my friend was upset about it, but she didn't say too much.
I have booked everything back home for her bridal shower. Since most of her friends live around Edmonton (she moved there right after high school), she said she wanted her bachelorette party to be there. Most of her friends won't be coming to our hometown for the shower, so at least they can take part in something by having a party in Edmonton. I have no problem with that. I have budgeted for that, even though it is another 5 or 6 hour drive for me. Jen just told me she can't do the Edmonton thing so we should just do her bachelorette party in our hometown on the same weekend as the shower. She said she can't afford to go to Edmonton, after I know she has spent money on drinking and partying every weekend since Christmas, plus she just bought a purebred pit bull puppy! That can't be cheap. Where are her priorities?
Oh and the fourth bridesmaid is MIA. I have called her constantly, and finally told my friend I have been unable to get ahold of her, so my friend gave me her home number to leave a message on voicemail. I have left messages and have not heard back, and I have been trying to get ahold of her for over a month already.
I am at work right now and just shaking because I am SO MAD at everyone involved. The fiance's sister is good, I guess her and I will be doing all the work. I think I should still do the right thing and try to organize a bachelorette party in Edmonton, even if only half of the bridal party shows up. I want to be able to ask my friend what she wants to do, but I know I shouldn't be putting stress on her about this so I've kept it to myself. How much is appropriate to tell her?

[jeanm1963]

AHHHHHHHHH, I hate hate hate being in weddings just for this reason, if its not the dresses , its the favors and who has time to make them... Its always a BIG problem and no matter what you have that one person in the wedding party who wants to call all the shots but not participate in anything...
The last wedding I was in a few years back was a nightmare because we all lived far apart and everyone could not agree on a venue!! One girl was pregnant and one girl was really heavy, finding a dress was aweful, the poor bride fell apart because what everyone seems to forget is this is supposed to be the happiest day in your life and you cant fix something that comes out crappy.... I so agree with you that you should NOT upset the bride , just a suggestion could you possibly do two parties!! I know things are so freaken expensive tho, at the last wedding the shower cost 575.00 each bridesmaid, the dresses were 250.00 then close to 100.00 for decorations, then we all pitched in 200.00 for the wedding gift!! It was a nightmare collecting all the money , deciding on bacholorette locations, limos etc.. things are way out of signt now, GOOD LUCK and I do think you should not bother the bride other then to ask her if she would like two parties, one in each place so that everyone can attend??

[AshSavalle]

WOW! Isn't it sad where peoples priorities are? Do whatever you feel is best. If i were you, I would do what the bride wanted, but what also works for you.
I would want to know a little bit of what was going on. just in case there is something you HAVE to tell her I would hate for her to be upset that you have been dealing with all of this. As for the friend with the priority "issue" she needs to wake up. This is not about what works best for her. The bride will appreciate all the hard work you and her sister do and will see who doesn't make the effort to go.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I was married last June in Italy and went through so much stress about stupid stuff. I wish I had someone like you to help! You are a great friend!

[linz06]

Thanks for the suggestions! I think I will talk to the one other bridesmaid about it before talking to my friend. That bridesmaid actually lives in Edmonton so it might be easier for her to look around and book things at a price that will be do-able for just the two of us to pay for.
I feel like these other girls just said yes to being bridesmaids so they can wear pretty dresses and be part of the "important people" at the wedding. They are not willing to do anything else. Jen is actually the one who told me that my friend wanted her bachelorette party in Edmonton, because they had discussed it. I think I will have to ask my friend if she would be okay with doing two seperate ones, without getting into too much detail.
This is the first wedding I've ever been in, and now I'm a little worried about ever being in another.

[jeanm1963]

Originally Posted by linz06

Thanks for the suggestions! I think I will talk to the one other bridesmaid about it before talking to my friend. That bridesmaid actually lives in Edmonton so it might be easier for her to look around and book things at a price that will be do-able for just the two of us to pay for.
I feel like these other girls just said yes to being bridesmaids so they can wear pretty dresses and be part of the "important people" at the wedding. They are not willing to do anything else. Jen is actually the one who told me that my friend wanted her bachelorette party in Edmonton, because they had discussed it. I think I will have to ask my friend if she would be okay with doing two seperate ones, without getting into too much detail.
This is the first wedding I've ever been in, and now I'm a little worried about ever being in another.

Just a suggestion , other then your own wedding opt to be a guest!!! Its alot easier

Whats really is sad is months and months of planning and its all over in 4 hours.. and all the fights and headaches arent worth it!

[RebelBelle]

Ok well let me just say that if I were the Bride, and one of my bridesmaids wasn't participating or cooperating, then I would want to know. But I'm assuming that for some reason, you think that your bride either wouldn't want to know or wouldn't be able to do anything to change the situation anyway. So I would tell Jenn that if she wants to do a seperate hometown party then she will have to fund it and plan it on her own since you are already planning the Edmonton party.

[linz06]

Oh I guess I should add, the bride has been so awesome through the whole process... we went bridesmaid dress shopping (the three bridesmaids...the fourth who is still mia couldn't make it), and she told us to pick whatever we wanted, she wasn't picky at all! THEN she paid for all of our dresses, as part of her gift to us. The dresses are gorgeous and not so fancy that we can't wear them again.
She hasn't asked for help with anything, I told her I wanted to go visit, and she said that's great and we could do wedding favors. She already had everything ready (tulle and ribbon bought, plastic boxes made, homemade candy made). Between her and I, her fiance, and my boyfriend, we got 189 favors done in an hour and a half! And it was such a good time, talking, laughing, and drinking strawberry daquiries, it didn't even feel like work!
So for everyone, this wedding has been cheap. For the bridal shower, I have rented a church basement back home for cheap, and I will need to buy decorations, but it's a small town and people have offered to cater for free. Our dresses were free. I think we will all chip in for a wedding gift. But otherwise, it's not costing anyone very much. I live the furthest away BY FAR, make less money, and have still been able to budget for this.

[AshSavalle]

Originally Posted by RebelBelle

Ok well let me just say that if I were the Bride, and one of my bridesmaids wasn't participating or cooperating, then I would want to know. But I'm assuming that for some reason, you think that your bride either wouldn't want to know or wouldn't be able to do anything to change the situation anyway. So I would tell Jenn that if she wants to do a seperate hometown party then she will have to fund it and plan it on her own since you are already planning the Edmonton party.

I 100% agree with that. It seems like the party in Edmonton would be where most of the friends are, plus you traveling there. That would be the party to plan. Are there a lot of people in your hometown that would be invited to the party or mostly the shower?!

[FlDebra]

Originally Posted by RebelBelle

... So I would tell Jenn that if she wants to do a seperate hometown party then she will have to fund it and plan it on her own since you are already planning the Edmonton party.

Me too!

All through life, from school functions when we are students, to being a part of the wedding party, to work functions needing planning and effort, to having children and needing volunteers for school, sports and such; there are always going to be three groups of people, those who just won't get involved at all, those that are willing to volunteer AND follow through with the work, and the dreaded last group who volunteer but do everything in their power to avoid any actual work. The latter like the appearance of being involved without any of the effort.

Since you are obviously one who will be there to follow through and work to meet the needs, you better just make a pact with yourself now. Try not to overextend, because nine times out of ten you will not get much help. Know that there are always some who will appreciate what you have done and you will always have pride and self-satisfaction to comfort yourself. But nothing will change those other two groups of folks.

My words are stemming from yet another year with sports booster clubs where 3-4 parents do all of the work for the rest of the parents. You can't get an hour or two's work out of any of them; yet, opinions are always offered in abundance! Ah, but in the end, it is worth it! When you see the look on the bride's face, when I see my son enjoy his sports, there is the reward! The rest is just chaff blowing in the wind.

[linz06]

Originally Posted by AshSavalle

I 100% agree with that. It seems like the party in Edmonton would be where most of the friends are, plus you traveling there. That would be the party to plan. Are there a lot of people in your hometown that would be invited to the party or mostly the shower?!

Actually, she is also having two showers. Most of her family is from our little town (or surrounding area) and most of HIS family is near Edmonton. I am hosting the shower at home, and her family will be there along with a few friends from high school who can make it home for the weekend, plus teachers and people from the community who want to show up. A few members of his family are coming too, but his mom is hosting a separate shower in Edmonton to accomodate the rest of his family. I had to politely back decline the invitation to that one due to the extra cost of driving there when I was going there for the bachelorette party a few weeks later.

Most of the people at the shower will be older people so most of them will not be at the shower. I really don't know who Jen expects to be out at her bachelorette party there other than the bridesmaids.

[linz06]

Originally Posted by FlDebra

Me too!

All through life, from school functions when we are students, to being a part of the wedding party, to work functions needing planning and effort, to having children and needing volunteers for school, sports and such; there are always going to be three groups of people, those who just won't get involved at all, those that are willing to volunteer AND follow through with the work, and the dreaded last group who volunteer but do everything in their power to avoid any actual work. The latter like the appearance of being involved without any of the effort.

Since you are obviously one who will be there to follow through and work to meet the needs, you better just make a pact with yourself now. Try not to overextend, because nine times out of ten you will not get much help. Know that there are always some who will appreciate what you have done and you will always have pride and self-satisfaction to comfort yourself. But nothing will change those other two groups of folks.

My words are stemming from yet another year with sports booster clubs where 3-4 parents do all of the work for the rest of the parents. You can't get an hour or two's work out of any of them; yet, opinions are always offered in abundance! Ah, but in the end, it is worth it! When you see the look on the bride's face, when I see my son enjoy his sports, there is the reward! The rest is just chaff blowing in the wind.

Thanks for your words. I feel bad that she picked such crappy people to be in her wedding party, and I guess I just want to be able to make up for them by overextending. She has been my best friend for 19 years, I love her to death, and I don't want anything to ruin her day. I guess I feel like that's what I would want if I was getting married and the rest of the bridesmaids sucked.
I am going to call her tonight and find out what she wants to do. After 2 months of trying to get ahold of the 4th bridesmaid, I think I'm also going to ask the bride if she has talked to her lately, or if she can try to get her to call me back. I don't want to stress her out but there's only so much I can do to try to get this organized. And I don't think she'll be TOO stressed about it. She said she doesn't have a worry at all about the wedding!

[ferraritiffie]

sometimes maid of honor=slave of honor! The other bridesmaid could be jealous that you got the maid of honor part. Weddings should bring out the best in us but often bring out the claws and sometimes much worse! I think it's best not to stress out the bride with this info, at least for me, when I was a bride EVERYTHING stressed me out and it hurt my feelings that some of my bridesmaids were not interested or participating. My MOH tried to keep the stuff from me, and I appreciated that she tried to resolve everything. I'd say I did want to know but it was best I didn't!

[linz06]

LOVE my best friend! We just had a little chat and she asked me if I had gotten ahold of the other bridesmaid yet. I told her I haven't, and I've left messages and not gotten a reply. She said that's weird and actually tried calling herself, and still got no answer.
Then I asked if she wanted her bachelorette party in Edmonton and she said "whatever works for you guys" and I asked if she has a lot of people out there who would go and she said "Yeah, everyone would go!" so I said "Great, it'll be in Edmonton!" I told her that Jen is a little broke so she wants to go out back home too and my friend was like "Ewww!" lol but she told me I'm the best for wanting to have her friends involved.
I told her I was kind of stressing about it this morning she told me don't be silly and don't stress... if everyone else can't make it, especially the bridesmaids, it's their loss. I said I just didn't want her to be upset if everyone wasn't there and she said "If you're there that's all that matters!"
Awwww I'm so glad I got it all off my chest!

[AshSavalle]

Originally Posted by linz06

LOVE my best friend! We just had a little chat and she asked me if I had gotten ahold of the other bridesmaid yet. I told her I haven't, and I've left messages and not gotten a reply. She said that's weird and actually tried calling herself, and still got no answer.
Then I asked if she wanted her bachelorette party in Edmonton and she said "whatever works for you guys" and I asked if she has a lot of people out there who would go and she said "Yeah, everyone would go!" so I said "Great, it'll be in Edmonton!" I told her that Jen is a little broke so she wants to go out back home too and my friend was like "Ewww!" lol but she told me I'm the best for wanting to have her friends involved.
I told her I was kind of stressing about it this morning she told me don't be silly and don't stress... if everyone else can't make it, especially the bridesmaids, it's their loss. I said I just didn't want her to be upset if everyone wasn't there and she said "If you're there that's all that matters!"
Awwww I'm so glad I got it all off my chest!

That is great to hear! I bet It just makes you feel so much better. She seems like a great girl, very calm and understanding. She is right, whoever does not go, it's THEIR loss. And you ARE a great friend, I think you are making the right decision to have it in Edmonton only, the shower back home should be enough. I hope everything else works out!
If there are any other issues we are always here for you!

[linz06]

Thanks! I guess it was inevitable for everything to work out yesterday, because I was shopping with my boyfriend after work when the last bridesmaid finally called me! She said her husband must have checked their voicemail and didn't tell her. So I got everything straightened with her so there's just the one bridesmaid not showing up.
I'm getting my dress fitted this morning so I'm back to being really happy and excited!