How do I deal? - YorkieTalk.com Forums

linz06 · 03-30-2009, 07:37 AM

I have found the most perfect guy. We fit so well into each others lives. He adores Layla and we've become a little family together. He is completely respectful to me and treats me like a princess. He fits in so well with my family and can visit them for hours without me even being around. And my family loves him and wants him to be around as much as possible!
His family is a different story. I am always always always loved by parents. I am polite and courteous and friendly. I dress respectably, I don't smoke, I'm not a big partier, I like to think I'm generally a good person. But apparently as soon as I date this mother's son I am the devil.
I have met her twice and both times I have felt nothing but coldness. I feel like she's constantly trying to find something wrong. She will outright insult me. I went to church with her this weekend to make her happy but after getting dressed she had to point out my "ugly puke-green purse" and say how much she hated it.
My boyfriend was looking outside to see if Layla could get out of the fence anywhere if I brought her next time. She asked if she's an inside dog and I said yes... she asked if she pees outside and I said half the time but she's pad trained while I'm at work, and she freaked out. She told me how disgusting that is and that I just need to kick her outside. I said I don't have a fenced yard and need to take her out on a leash everytime and she told me just keep a leash attached all the time

I am never taking my dog there.
She insulted my small-town upbringing by saying she would never raise a kid in a small town because they don't get an education. Really? I suppose that's why I was 4th from the top of my class in college. I got everything I needed from my small town, including a community that still cares about me and life long friends I still keep in touch with no matter where they are in the world! But I kept my mouth shut to be polite.
As we were leaving I brought up my little lime green and black suitcase up from downstairs and she said "Oh that's the perfect suitcase for traveling!" I agreed, thinking she was commenting on the size because it's perfect for a carry-on. She realized I wasn't asking why so she said "It's that ugly green color so nobody at the airport would try to steal it!" and she laughed at me. My boyfriend immediately said "What's with your 'ugly green' comments this weekend???" she said it doesn't matter what color it is, it could be pink for all she cares, but "obviously she likes green so if i buy her a present i'll make sure it's a green present" and on that note I thanked her for letting me stay the weekend and we left.
I cried in the car on the way home. I really really like him but I can't handle feeling like this. He said it's the same way with all his girlfriends, she will insult and insult and insult to try to drive them away.

JasmineNoelle · 03-30-2009, 07:47 AM

I am so sorry she treated you this way. It takes less effort to be nice and is so much more pleasant. Sounds like no one is good enough for her son in her opinion. She must not have much self esteem to be effected this way by you and past girlfriend of his. Good luck.........sounds like you will need it.

luvfla · 03-30-2009, 07:50 AM

This is an extremely insecure woman. You boyfriend needs to have a heart to heart with her. If that doesn't work. YOU are going to have to talk to her....in a really nice way.

linz06 · 03-30-2009, 07:55 AM

She's a tough person to talk to because it's like she just doesn't have feelings at all. The whole family is so much different from mine. Two of her kids were at home this weekend, one had flown in from another province, and nobody even seemed to care. Nobody was around. To say goodbye, they just called out from another room of the house. There was nothing, no "call when you get there" no "hope to see you again soon" just "good bye". My boyfriend said if it means keeping me around he will not spend so much time at home and it doesn't bother him at all... But that's just going to make the rift bigger because she'll say it's MY fault he's not visiting. I just told him that I can't handle visiting everytime he does.

francis53 · 03-30-2009, 08:15 AM

It sounds as if you have a very sweet boyfriend who if has to choose, sounds like Mom will be the loser. I think you are right when you say she is not going to like anyone whom dates her son. That's too bad for her, she just sounds very petty and insecure. she probably won't change, so you have to decide if he's worth putting up with her. Good luck!
Martha

celstu1 · 03-30-2009, 08:15 AM

Stand up to her. I was raised to respect my elders, however sometimes there is a line. She has no right to be insulting just because she is an elder. You can kindly say something like "I was raised to respect my elders, but Im very close to crossing that line with you." Or flat out ask her why she is insulting you all the time. Sometimes when someone is faced with having to explain themselves, they can't and realize they better stop, or she'll respect you more for not dealing with her crap. Tell her you just like green but you like all colors and if she is inclined to buy you a gift ever, any color she wants is fine with you. Mothers! LOL (Kidding!)

linz06 · 03-30-2009, 08:32 AM

I did tell my boyfriend that there is going to be a breaking point. I can sit back and take it for now, but not forever. I was angry and told him that after his mother said she hated my purse, I should have told her the dress she was wearing to church looked like a tablecloth! He laughed and said his mom wouldn't know what to say if she was hearing the same things she's saying. I told him I was only joking and I would probably never do that but he said he wouldn't care if I did, he will be behind me no matter what.
I was hoping to kill her with kindness but there's only so much I can take. I hope I have the courage to stand up to her one of these times! Probably not while I'm staying at her house though (she lives two hours away and we went to visit this past weekend)

chelop555 · 03-30-2009, 08:37 AM

It really is up to him to say something to his mother. Does he have a brother who is married? If so, maybe his wife could give you some advice on how to handle her.
If it comes down to it, sit her down and let her know you are not going anywhere so she will have to deal. If you plan on staying with this guy, I can pretty much guarentee it will only get worse when you have kids if not nipped in the bud now.
My ex-husbands mother was like this with me. I caught her "white-gloving " my baseboards one day. I couldn't do anything right in her eyes. it got worse when we had kids. Nothing I did for my children was right. In her eyes, I was breastfeeding solely to keep her from feeding the baby and liked to tell anyone who would listen! She thought they were going to die because I wasn't shoveling cereal in their mouths at 1 month old.

If nothing is said now, you will only end up avoiding her which causes tension. That could be the outcome anyway but at least you will know YOU tried!
Good Luck!!

linz06 · 03-30-2009, 08:40 AM

Oh another big concern I have... his mom runs a daycare and thinks she knows everything about raising children. If this works out and we have kids together, I feel like she would constantly be criticizing that too. My boyfriend's sister is pregnant, and she lives in the same city as their parents. She and her husband went over for brunch one day and left immediately afterwards. Anytime she mentioned something about the baby, her mom was saying "Oh that's not right. If you couldn't do that with a baby then all of you would be dead because I did that and it never hurt you" and the daughter was explaining that there have been studies, this stuff is harmful, but the mom wasn't having any of it. The sister's husband was very quiet the whole time and my boyfriend pointed it out to me later. He said he is always quiet around their parents, but friendly and talkative all other times. It's the same way with his other sister's husband.
I asked him if they are over a lot and he said rarely ever. They live in the same city but do not visit unless there is a good reason to. Nobody wants to be around the mom.
My parents invited us home for Easter, and since his parents are going to BC for that weekend he had nobody at home and said sure he would come have easter with us. His mom is pretty upset that he's not spending his money to fly to BC with them. She asked me if we do big family things for Easter and I said not really, we're building a new deck that weekend but I haven't been home for easter in YEARS (due to college and then work, etc) and she looked at me very disapprovingly. I can't do anything right!

chattiesmom · 03-30-2009, 09:22 AM

From reading your posts, I doubt seriously that the bf's mothers problem is with you personally, it is with ANY WOMAN who dares to date her darling baby boy. She will continue to find fault and I can almost promise you that the bf will set his ultimate "woman" standards as a model of his mother. I don't there is anything you can change the situation, it is all up to the bf.

Unfortunately the mother and son are a package deal. I wish you the very best of luck. However, if you do hang in there, be kind and respectful and try to get along, eventually she may come around.

linz06 · 03-30-2009, 09:35 AM

I guess I don't want to have to pretend to like her anymore. Maybe she will stop insulting me someday but first impressions are really hard to undo and I will not forget how she's treated me from the start.
I just said that to my boyfriend and I guess he's feeling differently than he did yesterday because he said I still have to visit and it's going to be hard if I can't get along with his mom

I told him he can visit his mom. I don't have to. Then he said what about Christmas? I told him it's hard to find a dog sitter at Christmas. He told me I could bring my dog there and I just laughed. I'm not taking her there to be subjected to the same insults about how disgusting we are. He wants to talk about it later

mkawczak · 03-30-2009, 09:46 AM

Wow,that sucks...I mean, what does she want her son to stay single and lonely and unhappy??? I feel really bad for you,but it's his problem to deal with her,not yours. He needs to speak to her and tell her that you are a part of his life right now,and if he can't respect his choice,then she is actually disrespecting him. I've heard real horror stories about mother nad motherin laws. I lucked out. My mother in law is a peach.Good Luck.

linz06 · 03-31-2009, 06:53 AM

He called his mom last night to ask about me and she told him she liked me and i was polite and she likes that i'm tall because he's tall and on and on and she asked why he was asking so he told her that I felt a little upset about the way she treated me and she told him she's sooo sorry and she didn't mean for anything to be hurtful and if she didn't tease me then she wouldn't like me and on and on and on. Then an hour later she went on msn to tell him how awful she feels now for making me feel bad and she really hopes I would come to visit again and she would think about things before she says them...
I don't know if I should believe it or if she's saying this to make my boyfriend stop being mad at her.
I will give it another chance because that's all I can really do. I really like him.
Oh yeah and he also asked his sisters what they thought of me and they said I was nice but that I need to just get over it when his mom says that stuff because "who cares what she says"

and also.. "well it IS disgusting that the dog pees inside but that's her choice I guess"

luvfla · 03-31-2009, 07:28 AM

How long have y'all been together?

linz06 · 03-31-2009, 07:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvfla

How long have y'all been together?

Just 6 months

03-30-2009, 07:37 AM	#1
linz06 Donating YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Saskatchewan Posts: 3,154	How do I deal? I have found the most perfect guy. We fit so well into each others lives. He adores Layla and we've become a little family together. He is completely respectful to me and treats me like a princess. He fits in so well with my family and can visit them for hours without me even being around. And my family loves him and wants him to be around as much as possible! His family is a different story. I am always always always loved by parents. I am polite and courteous and friendly. I dress respectably, I don't smoke, I'm not a big partier, I like to think I'm generally a good person. But apparently as soon as I date this mother's son I am the devil. I have met her twice and both times I have felt nothing but coldness. I feel like she's constantly trying to find something wrong. She will outright insult me. I went to church with her this weekend to make her happy but after getting dressed she had to point out my "ugly puke-green purse" and say how much she hated it. My boyfriend was looking outside to see if Layla could get out of the fence anywhere if I brought her next time. She asked if she's an inside dog and I said yes... she asked if she pees outside and I said half the time but she's pad trained while I'm at work, and she freaked out. She told me how disgusting that is and that I just need to kick her outside. I said I don't have a fenced yard and need to take her out on a leash everytime and she told me just keep a leash attached all the time I am never taking my dog there. She insulted my small-town upbringing by saying she would never raise a kid in a small town because they don't get an education. Really? I suppose that's why I was 4th from the top of my class in college. I got everything I needed from my small town, including a community that still cares about me and life long friends I still keep in touch with no matter where they are in the world! But I kept my mouth shut to be polite. As we were leaving I brought up my little lime green and black suitcase up from downstairs and she said "Oh that's the perfect suitcase for traveling!" I agreed, thinking she was commenting on the size because it's perfect for a carry-on. She realized I wasn't asking why so she said "It's that ugly green color so nobody at the airport would try to steal it!" and she laughed at me. My boyfriend immediately said "What's with your 'ugly green' comments this weekend???" she said it doesn't matter what color it is, it could be pink for all she cares, but "obviously she likes green so if i buy her a present i'll make sure it's a green present" and on that note I thanked her for letting me stay the weekend and we left. I cried in the car on the way home. I really really like him but I can't handle feeling like this. He said it's the same way with all his girlfriends, she will insult and insult and insult to try to drive them away. __________________ Lindsey and Layla, Lucy, and Kash

03-30-2009, 07:47 AM	#2
JasmineNoelle YT 2000 Club Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: USA Posts: 2,774 Blog Entries: 1	I am so sorry she treated you this way. It takes less effort to be nice and is so much more pleasant. Sounds like no one is good enough for her son in her opinion. She must not have much self esteem to be effected this way by you and past girlfriend of his. Good luck.........sounds like you will need it. __________________ Jasmine's, Prissy's and Maggie Mae's Mommy

03-30-2009, 07:55 AM	#4
linz06 Donating YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Saskatchewan Posts: 3,154	She's a tough person to talk to because it's like she just doesn't have feelings at all. The whole family is so much different from mine. Two of her kids were at home this weekend, one had flown in from another province, and nobody even seemed to care. Nobody was around. To say goodbye, they just called out from another room of the house. There was nothing, no "call when you get there" no "hope to see you again soon" just "good bye". My boyfriend said if it means keeping me around he will not spend so much time at home and it doesn't bother him at all... But that's just going to make the rift bigger because she'll say it's MY fault he's not visiting. I just told him that I can't handle visiting everytime he does. __________________ Lindsey and Layla, Lucy, and Kash

03-30-2009, 08:15 AM	#6
celstu1 Donating YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: New Hampshire Posts: 10,534	Stand up to her. I was raised to respect my elders, however sometimes there is a line. She has no right to be insulting just because she is an elder. You can kindly say something like "I was raised to respect my elders, but Im very close to crossing that line with you." Or flat out ask her why she is insulting you all the time. Sometimes when someone is faced with having to explain themselves, they can't and realize they better stop, or she'll respect you more for not dealing with her crap. Tell her you just like green but you like all colors and if she is inclined to buy you a gift ever, any color she wants is fine with you. Mothers! LOL (Kidding!) __________________ “Petting, scratching, and cuddling a dog could be as soothing to the mind and heart as deep meditation and almost as good for the soul as prayer.” ― Dean Koontz

03-30-2009, 08:32 AM	#7
linz06 Donating YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Saskatchewan Posts: 3,154	I did tell my boyfriend that there is going to be a breaking point. I can sit back and take it for now, but not forever. I was angry and told him that after his mother said she hated my purse, I should have told her the dress she was wearing to church looked like a tablecloth! He laughed and said his mom wouldn't know what to say if she was hearing the same things she's saying. I told him I was only joking and I would probably never do that but he said he wouldn't care if I did, he will be behind me no matter what. I was hoping to kill her with kindness but there's only so much I can take. I hope I have the courage to stand up to her one of these times! Probably not while I'm staying at her house though (she lives two hours away and we went to visit this past weekend) __________________ Lindsey and Layla, Lucy, and Kash

03-30-2009, 07:50 AM	#3
luvfla YT 3000 Club Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Satellite Beach, FL Posts: 3,691	This is an extremely insecure woman. You boyfriend needs to have a heart to heart with her. If that doesn't work. YOU are going to have to talk to her....in a really nice way.

03-30-2009, 08:15 AM	#5
francis53 Donating YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Colorado Posts: 714	It sounds as if you have a very sweet boyfriend who if has to choose, sounds like Mom will be the loser. I think you are right when you say she is not going to like anyone whom dates her son. That's too bad for her, she just sounds very petty and insecure. she probably won't change, so you have to decide if he's worth putting up with her. Good luck! Martha

03-30-2009, 08:37 AM	#8
chelop555 Senior Yorkie Talker Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Fairhaven,MA Posts: 94	It really is up to him to say something to his mother. Does he have a brother who is married? If so, maybe his wife could give you some advice on how to handle her. If it comes down to it, sit her down and let her know you are not going anywhere so she will have to deal. If you plan on staying with this guy, I can pretty much guarentee it will only get worse when you have kids if not nipped in the bud now. My ex-husbands mother was like this with me. I caught her "white-gloving " my baseboards one day. I couldn't do anything right in her eyes. it got worse when we had kids. Nothing I did for my children was right. In her eyes, I was breastfeeding solely to keep her from feeding the baby and liked to tell anyone who would listen! She thought they were going to die because I wasn't shoveling cereal in their mouths at 1 month old. If nothing is said now, you will only end up avoiding her which causes tension. That could be the outcome anyway but at least you will know YOU tried! Good Luck!!

03-30-2009, 08:40 AM	#9
linz06 Donating YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Saskatchewan Posts: 3,154	Oh another big concern I have... his mom runs a daycare and thinks she knows everything about raising children. If this works out and we have kids together, I feel like she would constantly be criticizing that too. My boyfriend's sister is pregnant, and she lives in the same city as their parents. She and her husband went over for brunch one day and left immediately afterwards. Anytime she mentioned something about the baby, her mom was saying "Oh that's not right. If you couldn't do that with a baby then all of you would be dead because I did that and it never hurt you" and the daughter was explaining that there have been studies, this stuff is harmful, but the mom wasn't having any of it. The sister's husband was very quiet the whole time and my boyfriend pointed it out to me later. He said he is always quiet around their parents, but friendly and talkative all other times. It's the same way with his other sister's husband. I asked him if they are over a lot and he said rarely ever. They live in the same city but do not visit unless there is a good reason to. Nobody wants to be around the mom. My parents invited us home for Easter, and since his parents are going to BC for that weekend he had nobody at home and said sure he would come have easter with us. His mom is pretty upset that he's not spending his money to fly to BC with them. She asked me if we do big family things for Easter and I said not really, we're building a new deck that weekend but I haven't been home for easter in YEARS (due to college and then work, etc) and she looked at me very disapprovingly. I can't do anything right! __________________ Lindsey and Layla, Lucy, and Kash

03-30-2009, 09:22 AM	#10
chattiesmom Donating YT 10K Club Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Alabama Posts: 17,674	From reading your posts, I doubt seriously that the bf's mothers problem is with you personally, it is with ANY WOMAN who dares to date her darling baby boy. She will continue to find fault and I can almost promise you that the bf will set his ultimate "woman" standards as a model of his mother. I don't there is anything you can change the situation, it is all up to the bf. Unfortunately the mother and son are a package deal. I wish you the very best of luck. However, if you do hang in there, be kind and respectful and try to get along, eventually she may come around. __________________ Silk Step-In Harnesses www.foxypups.etsy.com Last edited by chattiesmom; 03-30-2009 at 09:25 AM.

03-30-2009, 09:35 AM	#11
linz06 Donating YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Saskatchewan Posts: 3,154	I guess I don't want to have to pretend to like her anymore. Maybe she will stop insulting me someday but first impressions are really hard to undo and I will not forget how she's treated me from the start. I just said that to my boyfriend and I guess he's feeling differently than he did yesterday because he said I still have to visit and it's going to be hard if I can't get along with his mom I told him he can visit his mom. I don't have to. Then he said what about Christmas? I told him it's hard to find a dog sitter at Christmas. He told me I could bring my dog there and I just laughed. I'm not taking her there to be subjected to the same insults about how disgusting we are. He wants to talk about it later __________________ Lindsey and Layla, Lucy, and Kash

03-30-2009, 09:46 AM	#12
mkawczak Donating Senior Yorkie Talker Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Upstate New York Posts: 1,320 Blog Entries: 3	Wow,that sucks...I mean, what does she want her son to stay single and lonely and unhappy??? I feel really bad for you,but it's his problem to deal with her,not yours. He needs to speak to her and tell her that you are a part of his life right now,and if he can't respect his choice,then she is actually disrespecting him. I've heard real horror stories about mother nad motherin laws. I lucked out. My mother in law is a peach.Good Luck. __________________ N.Y. 'S FINESTPONGO,AIDEN,HARLEY, KI-KI ,GARFIELD ,MINI-ME

03-31-2009, 06:53 AM	#13
linz06 Donating YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Saskatchewan Posts: 3,154	He called his mom last night to ask about me and she told him she liked me and i was polite and she likes that i'm tall because he's tall and on and on and she asked why he was asking so he told her that I felt a little upset about the way she treated me and she told him she's sooo sorry and she didn't mean for anything to be hurtful and if she didn't tease me then she wouldn't like me and on and on and on. Then an hour later she went on msn to tell him how awful she feels now for making me feel bad and she really hopes I would come to visit again and she would think about things before she says them... I don't know if I should believe it or if she's saying this to make my boyfriend stop being mad at her. I will give it another chance because that's all I can really do. I really like him. Oh yeah and he also asked his sisters what they thought of me and they said I was nice but that I need to just get over it when his mom says that stuff because "who cares what she says" and also.. "well it IS disgusting that the dog pees inside but that's her choice I guess" __________________ Lindsey and Layla, Lucy, and Kash

03-31-2009, 07:28 AM	#14
luvfla YT 3000 Club Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Satellite Beach, FL Posts: 3,691	How long have y'all been together?