Advise needed

[yougetthesmiles]

My cousin is a mother of three kids, 2 boys ages 5 and 4 and a daughter who just turned 2.

She is only 22 and not married but living with the father of her 3rd child.

She has been coming over to my house quite a lot and bringing the kids. These kids are so out of control it's not even funny!

When they come I have to lock my yorkies up in my room because i fear for their life! If I left them in the expen, the kids shake the pen, throw toys or just growl and bark at my babies! I tell them to stop it and leave my babies alone and the boys will look at me and tell me I'm not their boss and they can do what ever they want!

The mom will do one of these numbers... I'm going to count to 3 and if you don't stop it I'm going to whip you. But she never follows through with it. She yells and screams and smacks them and this is not helping at all, it's just making matters worse.

I'm at the point where I dread her coming over with them. She does not call, she just comes right over and comes right in and makes her self at home. Sometimes she even thinks I should feed her!

During the day I'm usually sewing and when she comes and barges in, I can't get a thing done. How can I sew when i have her kids touching all my stuff?

I'm not the kind of person who will say anything cause I don't want to start something or get any family all upset, so I just keep it to myself.

My kids are at the point where they go and hide if they see her pulling up in my driveway.

These kids are so disrespectful it's not even funny. They are smart mouths. and have no respect for someone else's things.

And to top it all off, my cousin is going to college to be a welfare worker!

Help me, I have no idea what to do!

[jrsygal37]

LOL. I feel sorry for you. I'd tell you what I'd do but then your cousin probably will never talk to you again. Would that be a bad thing? Honestly, I'd tell her to get control of her kids or she can't come over anymore. Well, that's what I'd suggest you say but it's probably nicer then the way I'd say it. Good luck. Elaine

[4doggiemama]

You said she just walks in? Maybe lock doors? Go hide with the furbabies? Even though we live in a small town I always have my doors locked. We live along a very busy road and have had questionable looking characters ring our doorbell. Just a thought.

[YorkieRose]

I would be up front...tell her you are very busy with your family this summer and she may come over once a week for an hour..she can pick the day and hour...then stick to it. If she drops in unannouced, do not answer the door...and lock it.

No one can make a door mat out of you unless you lay down and let them...good luck

[LeosMama]

Here's a suggestion. You stated you sew. Explain to your cousin, during the day you have an at home business. You find it hard to complete your work when she visits. You have clients that depend on you. You would appreciate her calling you first. You will let her know if you are caught up or falling behind so that you can spend better quality time with her during her visit.

Personally, I told my family call first and not to stop by unannounced. I am a busy person and may not be home. Secondly, it is rude to intrude on someone's personal family time uninvited.

[Sandysbabies]

I know how you feel. We have company for the week end and they will be leaving Mon. and stopping back by to spend the night before going home next week. I have told them you have to keep everything put up a nd this morning we have not figured out how many gummy bears and jolly??whatevers that Kayla has eaten. All the wrappers were in the hall and just a few minutes ago she came in with 2 more pieces of candy she must have hid somewhere. I guess I could handle it better if I felt better and was further down the road with my back surgery but boy, people just don't think. I think I might tell her the next time she just showed up I was just about to leave. Its terrible because you hate to see kids like that coming when its the parents fault. Good luck, I just hope Kayla doesn't start throwing up. Ugh!!!

[sammiz]

Oh, girl, what an awful situation! I do understand that you do not want to cause hard feelings in the family, but only to a point. Respect is not a one way street and it looks like she has some lessons to be learned in that area.

Look at it like you are doing her a favor by helping her to learn what she needs to know. It will not only benefit you, but her as well. She is young. Tell her you do not want to hurt her feelings, but....and then enumerate the problems that happen because she needs to learn these things. All the people in your house have a right to be free of the distress she causes by her ignorant (as in unlearned) actions. Geesh, they are feeling like running and hiding is their only option.

If you do it gently, instead of waiting until you have reached your wits end (and maybe blow up), then there is a possibility of growth for her. Growing is stretching and stretching always brings some discomfort. Why should all the discomfort be yours? Which it currently is.

I hope you are able to get some relief from all of this, but the only way that is going to happen is if you meet it and deal with it directly. How awful it must be for you to just keep this stuffed inside yourself.

__________________________________________________ _

[Sloan]

Oh my gosh Missy, I'm so sorry to hear that you are being invaded like that. My first thought is the polite approach as well but given what you have said about her children and their significant lack of manners and compassion for your pups and your things.....I don't think that your cousin will hear what you are requesting. If her kids are such hellions then she obviously doesn't instill in them respect and gratitude, therefore I don't think she will respond well to an approach with kindness and respect. JMO. But I agree with the first post below yours and you need to be very direct with her and tell her (don't ask....tell her) what you need/want. She has not asked you, she has just taken over your home when she wants to. You may cause some riffs in the family yes, but it is either that and let it sort out or you continue on the way it is.....which isn't healthy for you or your pups. Be direct, tell her that you insist that she tell you when she is planning to come by so that you can see if it fits with your schedule and don't rearrange your schedule for her. Like someone else said, give her the days and times she can come visit, make sure your body language conveys how serious you are about this and I also agree you should keep your doors locked. I would abstain from saying anything specific about her children's behavior......but present it this way....these are the rules in my home, when you are here you must abide by my rules, when you are in my home I AM THE BOSS PERIOD! Sit those little monsters down and their mom too. It won't be easy but you will feel SO much better once you have done it. If you offend her, say it wasn't your intention (even though she has offended you time and time again)....your intention was to have a happy home that everyone can enjoy.....you, your cousin, her kids, your dogs, your hubby, everyone and to have that happy home it needs to be run a certain way....with respect.

Let us know what you decide and how it goes. Put your foot down....we are all behind you 100%.

[chattiesmom]

I am so very sorry, Missy, it sounds like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I would so as other posters have suggested and explain that you have a home business and that you have to sew during the day. Maybe you could offer to meet her at a park for an hour or so each week so that the kids can "play". At least that way, her kids won't be around your precious furbabies AND your kids can escape -- eeerrrr out run them.

Keep the doors locked and do not answer them - It is heartbreaking that you have to lock the doors to keep unwanted relatives out.

GOOD LUCK!

[blueeyes_jd]

Originally Posted by Sloan

Oh my gosh Missy, I'm so sorry to hear that you are being invaded like that. My first thought is the polite approach as well but given what you have said about her children and their significant lack of manners and compassion for your pups and your things.....I don't think that your cousin will hear what you are requesting. If her kids are such hellions then she obviously doesn't instill in them respect and gratitude, therefore I don't think she will respond well to an approach with kindness and respect. JMO. But I agree with the first post below yours and you need to be very direct with her and tell her (don't ask....tell her) what you need/want. She has not asked you, she has just taken over your home when she wants to. You may cause some riffs in the family yes, but it is either that and let it sort out or you continue on the way it is.....which isn't healthy for you or your pups. Be direct, tell her that you insist that she tell you when she is planning to come by so that you can see if it fits with your schedule and don't rearrange your schedule for her. Like someone else said, give her the days and times she can come visit, make sure your body language conveys how serious you are about this and I also agree you should keep your doors locked. I would abstain from saying anything specific about her children's behavior......but present it this way....these are the rules in my home, when you are here you must abide by my rules, when you are in my home I AM THE BOSS PERIOD! Sit those little monsters down and their mom too. It won't be easy but you will feel SO much better once you have done it. If you offend her, say it wasn't your intention (even though she has offended you time and time again)....your intention was to have a happy home that everyone can enjoy.....you, your cousin, her kids, your dogs, your hubby, everyone and to have that happy home it needs to be run a certain way....with respect.

Let us know what you decide and how it goes. Put your foot down....we are all behind you 100%.

VERY WELL SAID!!! I know its hard to confront someone... Im the SAME way!!! but it will be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER in the long run! and why should you have to suffer??? and your babies suffer??? HUGS!!! I hope everything truns out for the best!!! good luck sweetie!!!

[paulapoo]

You've gotten some great advice. I think I would tell them the puppies are off limits. No exceptions, they are too rough. Good Luck to ya Missy, sounds like a hard situation to be in.

[mscat]

This is not fair to you or your family. It is a difficult situation to be in, I understand.
Could the kids go outside in the backyard to play? If they are this out of control, then seriously, you do not need to put up with it. It's your house and family that are at stake. the mom has little control over the children, which is sad. they are little. wait until they are older..... it will be worse.
tell the 22 yr. old that your unable to have her over anymore because it is too stressful on you and your family. I think that sometimes othes do not realise that they are being intrusive.

[yougetthesmiles]

Thanks for all the wonderful advice. She did pop in on Saturday for a bit without the kids.

I agree with locking the door. She has to understand, even when I'm at home, I'm still at work. I have orders to fill and I like to get my orders out in a timely manner and I can't have her holding me up.

[Ange]

Definatly lock the door and don't answer.
If she catches you off guard and comes over with the kids and they start acting up, then you say "I'm counting to 3...."
I've been in this situation before and made the mistake of letting it build up until I exploded. It wasn't pretty
Wishing you the best!
Angie

[celstu1]

Lock your doors and hide your car! At least she cannot get in. If she calls later to ask where you were just make something up. If you are 'out' more often when she comes over Im sure her visits will cut back bc she won't expect you to just be home when she feels like coming over. Thats a tough situation. My Best friend has a 4 yo boy who is out of control, he kicks my dogs. I have to put my dogs in my room when she brings him over and tell him they are tired and need a nap. She does nothing while hes trying to kick the puppies and saying out loud "KICK the PUPPIES!" I have to tell him to stop. He just does not listen at all. When she discplines him, she SCREAMS and it sounds like 2, 4 year olds going at it. Its gotten to the point where I have not seen her in over 3 months now. I just cannot take her kid at all anymore. He over stimulates me and she does too. Maybe you can tell your cousin that you just cannot take the rowdiness of the kids when you are trying to work. Make sure she knows that even if you are home, you are 'at work' technically and she can't come barging in during the day like she does. Just say it nicely. Im sure you won't get family issues going if you are polite and nice.

Im sorry though, that does stink!