I need my YT family cuz mine has made me mad and upset!!

[tatertot15]

I'm so glad YT is here when I need them....I need to vent about my family since I dont have anyone that can understand how I feel other than my husband. Ok so here goes....

so 3 years ago it was time for my older sister (by 4 years) to get married....my parents spent $18,000 on her wedding and she didnt have to spend a dime....she moved right out and into a furnished apartment, her husband grandma bought there furniture....everytime they have been in a bind both the family's come running to the rescue. Now I dont have a problem with people helping her, really I dont. What I do have a problem with is this....1 year ago it was time for me to get married....my parents always said if I stayed living at home and didnt move out that they would pay for my wedding too....well my now husband was living with us (in the basement) we paid for everything that we needed (food, our bills,neccesities ect.) only thing we didnt pay for was utilities. and my husband always helped out around the house to pay his way because they didnt want money from us. Well when we started planning the wedding my parents broke it to me that they couldnt afford to pay for the wedding....so I said ok thats fine and me and my husband payed for it ourselves....which seemed to about kill us but we did it....my mom threw in about $1500 along the way....well she went around telling people she payed about $3000 and others she just let think she paid for it all....and once again I let that go. Anyways back in December I think it was, We thought I was pregnant (2 weeks late) and it was not planned. Well I told my sister about it and she started going on about how her and her DH were thinking about trying blah blah well a month later she was pregnant....which would be fine but they are BROKE!! She has been borrowing money from everybody even me just to keep the ultilites on sometimes....well now my mom is freaking out cuz the baby is due in September and she is going to buy her the crib and dresser and changing table and all the stuff she needs that people wont buy for a shower....when my sister has had all this time to buy it she hasnt....no they spent $400 on stuff to put on her husbands truck!! So my mom is calling and complaining that she is having to do this and that she's happy that when I have a kid she wont go through this because I make more money than her and then she was like "well this way I can just go and buy whatever I want and just splurge" and the whole time she is stuttering her way through this. She basically told me she's not going to spend like that for my baby when I have one. I dont get why just because i'm the youngest I have to be treated like dirt all the time. So what if I make more money does that mean she wont buy mine a birthday gift and spend it all on her kids just because they dont have money and I do? And so you know, I by no means have money....I just make more than my sister, only a couple more dollars on the hour....and my DH is on unemployment so how in the world can she justify what she is saying to me. And to top it all off my sister went to college and has a degree that my mom is paying $40,000 for and has done nothing with, I went to Cosmotolegy school and dropped out, that only cost her $4,000. I dropped out because they were always telling me I wasnt smart enough for school....well how could I be when you are telling me that stuff everyday. Everytime I bring up school and a degree I want they say thats alot of work i dont think you could handle that.

Ok so I just realized how long this is....i'm sorry. Once I started writing I couldnt stop. Thanks for listening.

[bchgirl]

Feel better?

Consider yourself lucky...you are indebted to noone and show more financial responsibility. Years from now...sissy will probably still require handouts.

[tatertot15]

I do feel a little better but it still doesnt take the pain away of how I am treated by my own family. i've always been very independant and wanted to do things myself. But when they tell me i'm not smart enough or they are too broke to help me because they spent it all on my sister, it hurts. It's no wonder I was in therapy when I was only 15, of course there is more to that but that was a big reason I was there. I've always tried to do good things in my life and it feels like I get beat down along the way for doing them. Everytime I tell my family what I'm doing for a friend or somebody I met, something good and helping them they say dont they have a family to help them, you shouldnt be helping them....well where's my family when I need there help....nowhere to be found.

[journey826]

I am so sorry you are going through this with your family.
one thought comes to mind (the squeaky wheel always gets the oil) and it seems your sister has mastered that need.
I will say think very hard before you do or say anything out of anger.

I know first hand how this goes as I separated myself from my family for similar reasons.I have totally cut myself and kids off from them.
Now the kids are older and they blame me for not having a big family or knowing them .It hurts me and I miss them but I felt it was the BEST for my children and myself.

You cannot change them wanting to baby her,as long as you do not become an enabler, refuse to listen to your moms rants about it,they will learn to respect you through your strength.I know that you just want to be treated fair but sometimes things are just they way they are.when we can accept people as they are we stop being disappointed by what they are not.

[celstu1]

ah girl! my mom is a great woman, I love her to pieces, but she always told me I would 'look better' if I lost 10lbs. always 10lbs. finally when I hit 30 I think I said to her that I heard that enough in my life and that I look fine as I am now! She had NO idea how often she said it and how much it dug deep into me. She also told me when I was younger that I woudn't amount to much either. I, am now, a single home-owner with a great job and in college to finish my degree. Everytime my mom hears me talk she is SHOCKED at the WOMAN I have become in contrast to the KID I was. You mom needs to see you as an adult. You need to tell her flat out what she says and how it makes you feel. Sometimes our parents think we are impervious to their insults, that we don't listen to them, but they don't realize we generally hear their words more loudly than anyone elses, even if we act like we didnt. (((HUGS)))

[Catrina]

oh wow you sound just like me and my family... my mom adores my older sis and buys her whatever she wants but i never ask for money.. everything i want i have to pay for myself.. i mean once in a while she may help out with someone but that is so rare.. its just the child order of birth that may play a part.. like seriously the list goes on but my mom spent $40 K on my sis's college and never complained.. but she complained all the way through mine.. always saying how i waste her money.. when she paid the same for my sis but yeah things like that..

i think it will always be like this.. trust me ive gotten into so many arguments about this with my mom and she doesnt seem to get it..she thinks shes always fair.. so ive just given up. i too am WAY MORE independent than my older sis.. but i think of it as a good thing. and yeah ive always been told im not as "smart" enough as her gimme a break! but yeah i dont know what advice to give ya cuz im in the same boat but just lean on your friends and husband for support.. if you do a good deed then congratulate yourself.. i know it hurts not getting any appreciation from your parents but you dont need it from them.. just be happy for yourself and im sure your husband and friends appreciate you

i complained a little about this to a friend recently how my sis's life is always so easy and and at the end he said "but think about it.. do you really want your sis's life? to be babied and so dependent and not know anything about the world?" and i thought about it and yeah my answer is no.. so think of it as a good thing.. you turned out to be independent, smart, and know what your doing in life good luck with everything... if you ever want to vent more, my pm box is always open!

[upindust]

Originally Posted by tatertot15

I'm so glad YT is here when I need them....I need to vent about my family since I dont have anyone that can understand how I feel other than my husband. Ok so here goes....

so 3 years ago it was time for my older sister (by 4 years) to get married....my parents spent $18,000 on her wedding and she didnt have to spend a dime....she moved right out and into a furnished apartment, her husband grandma bought there furniture....everytime they have been in a bind both the family's come running to the rescue. Now I dont have a problem with people helping her, really I dont. What I do have a problem with is this....1 year ago it was time for me to get married....my parents always said if I stayed living at home and didnt move out that they would pay for my wedding too....well my now husband was living with us (in the basement) we paid for everything that we needed (food, our bills,neccesities ect.) only thing we didnt pay for was utilities. and my husband always helped out around the house to pay his way because they didnt want money from us. Well when we started planning the wedding my parents broke it to me that they couldnt afford to pay for the wedding....so I said ok thats fine and me and my husband payed for it ourselves....which seemed to about kill us but we did it....my mom threw in about $1500 along the way....well she went around telling people she payed about $3000 and others she just let think she paid for it all....and once again I let that go. Anyways back in December I think it was, We thought I was pregnant (2 weeks late) and it was not planned. Well I told my sister about it and she started going on about how her and her DH were thinking about trying blah blah well a month later she was pregnant....which would be fine but they are BROKE!! She has been borrowing money from everybody even me just to keep the ultilites on sometimes....well now my mom is freaking out cuz the baby is due in September and she is going to buy her the crib and dresser and changing table and all the stuff she needs that people wont buy for a shower....when my sister has had all this time to buy it she hasnt....no they spent $400 on stuff to put on her husbands truck!! So my mom is calling and complaining that she is having to do this and that she's happy that when I have a kid she wont go through this because I make more money than her and then she was like "well this way I can just go and buy whatever I want and just splurge" and the whole time she is stuttering her way through this. She basically told me she's not going to spend like that for my baby when I have one. I dont get why just because i'm the youngest I have to be treated like dirt all the time. So what if I make more money does that mean she wont buy mine a birthday gift and spend it all on her kids just because they dont have money and I do? And so you know, I by no means have money....I just make more than my sister, only a couple more dollars on the hour....and my DH is on unemployment so how in the world can she justify what she is saying to me. And to top it all off my sister went to college and has a degree that my mom is paying $40,000 for and has done nothing with, I went to Cosmotolegy school and dropped out, that only cost her $4,000. I dropped out because they were always telling me I wasnt smart enough for school....well how could I be when you are telling me that stuff everyday. Everytime I bring up school and a degree I want they say thats alot of work i dont think you could handle that.

Ok so I just realized how long this is....i'm sorry. Once I started writing I couldnt stop. Thanks for listening.

I say let it go your mom isn't helping your sister at all and your sister will always be dependent on her and your mom will just have to live with it and deal with it. Parents are weird. In my opinion you're a better kid because you're stable.

I've been aving issues too my 14-15 told me her life is too stressful to haev me in it.

[momof4CA]

Be proud that you are taking care of yourself!! Make your own way in life!! There is nothing that will make you hold your head up more... then knowing that you did everything yourself.

I think it is sad when parents say they have to do everything for their adult children. The only thing this parent is doing, is preventing their child from reaching their full potental! Your sister will never get anywhere in life by living off your parents. She will never fully understand how life works if someone is always "saving" her from her misakes. You have to truely go without...heat/light... to truely apprehiate what you do have

** I am living with this too. My DH and I are doing ok financially but my little sister is not. She is divorced and has 2 little boys. She depends completely on my parents to give/pay for everything. This truely drives me crazy!! But, I have learn that it is truely-- none of my business. I will not loan/ give her any money! She is just as capable of working a job as I am. I would never ever let my children go without... Even if I had to hold down 4 jobs to make ends meet. I feel she can do the same.

[tatertot15]

Dont get me wrong, I'm happy i'm not my sister and i'm glad I am smart enough to fend for myself and to take a good job when its offered. I just dont get why i'm treated like the one that is dumb and worthless. I argee that until my mom understands she is not helping my sister she will never learn, but I also think my sister is doing this on purpose just so she'll have more money in the long run. When I first moved out I told my mom about some lamps I wanted to go buy from Walmart, so my mom goes to walmart and calls me and said which color did you want then she added in really quick that the silver ones were more expensive and how she didnt really have the money for this right now but she was going to buy them....then she said if I can find shades cheap enough i'll buy them too but if not you'll have to buy them. I was thinking if its that much of a hassle to spend $40 on your daughter when you are spending many $100 on my sister than forget about it, I dont want your money. DH is trying to calm me down and says that as soon as the baby shower is over we'll stay away from them all for a while. I need to be away from them....ever since I moved out my mom calls multiple times a day and wont give me any space. And all she does on the phone is nag me and talk about my sister....its like cant you just call and say "how was your day" or something like that instead of that crap....grr just makes me so mad. I just need to get away from everyone right now....I want my own life and I want to do it by myself because in the long run I dont want my mom saying well I did this for you and this and this and you are ungrateful blah blah....nope she cant say that to me becuase I did MY life on MY OWN.

[xxmxaxrxyxx]

Originally Posted by bchgirl

Feel better?

Consider yourself lucky...you are indebted to noone and show more financial responsibility. Years from now...sissy will probably still require handouts.

my thoughts exactly...i don't ever want to be in debt to anyone...and i come from a family with 6 other sister and 2 brothers...i give my parents props for taking and raising all 9 of us...putting us through school...and college...

but we too have heard that we are dumb, always getting compare to some other peoples kids and so forth...me being who i am with my background...well i went off and showed everyone else that i can do it...i graduated college 4 years ago (and people thought I couldn't do it) with a BA in MIS and now currently working at one of the largest aircraft supplier in Wichita, KS as a computer programmer. And will be going back this semester for my masters...

its tough but people assumptions and comments : what doesn't kill only makes me stronger...so i do it to throw it into their face...

i know that doesn't make your situation any better and i hope you don't let your sister failure tear you and your family apart...

[momof4CA]

Originally Posted by tatertot15

Dont get me wrong, I'm happy i'm not my sister and i'm glad I am smart enough to fend for myself and to take a good job when its offered. I just dont get why i'm treated like the one that is dumb and worthless. I argee that until my mom understands she is not helping my sister she will never learn, but I also think my sister is doing this on purpose just so she'll have more money in the long run. When I first moved out I told my mom about some lamps I wanted to go buy from Walmart, so my mom goes to walmart and calls me and said which color did you want then she added in really quick that the silver ones were more expensive and how she didnt really have the money for this right now but she was going to buy them....then she said if I can find shades cheap enough i'll buy them too but if not you'll have to buy them. I was thinking if its that much of a hassle to spend $40 on your daughter when you are spending many $100 on my sister than forget about it, I dont want your money. DH is trying to calm me down and says that as soon as the baby shower is over we'll stay away from them all for a while. I need to be away from them....ever since I moved out my mom calls multiple times a day and wont give me any space. And all she does on the phone is nag me and talk about my sister....its like cant you just call and say "how was your day" or something like that instead of that crap....grr just makes me so mad. I just need to get away from everyone right now....I want my own life and I want to do it by myself because in the long run I dont want my mom saying well I did this for you and this and this and you are ungrateful blah blah....nope she cant say that to me becuase I did MY life on MY OWN.

I am so glad to see that you truely understand that this is not heathy for anyone!!

Maybe you can get an answering machine or caller ID, so you don't have to answer when it is your mom. There is nothing that says, you have to answer everytime she calls.

[xxmxaxrxyxx]

Originally Posted by tatertot15

Dont get me wrong, I'm happy i'm not my sister and i'm glad I am smart enough to fend for myself and to take a good job when its offered. I just dont get why i'm treated like the one that is dumb and worthless. I argee that until my mom understands she is not helping my sister she will never learn, but I also think my sister is doing this on purpose just so she'll have more money in the long run. When I first moved out I told my mom about some lamps I wanted to go buy from Walmart, so my mom goes to walmart and calls me and said which color did you want then she added in really quick that the silver ones were more expensive and how she didnt really have the money for this right now but she was going to buy them....then she said if I can find shades cheap enough i'll buy them too but if not you'll have to buy them. I was thinking if its that much of a hassle to spend $40 on your daughter when you are spending many $100 on my sister than forget about it, I dont want your money. DH is trying to calm me down and says that as soon as the baby shower is over we'll stay away from them all for a while. I need to be away from them....ever since I moved out my mom calls multiple times a day and wont give me any space. And all she does on the phone is nag me and talk about my sister....its like cant you just call and say "how was your day" or something like that instead of that crap....grr just makes me so mad. I just need to get away from everyone right now....I want my own life and I want to do it by myself because in the long run I dont want my mom saying well I did this for you and this and this and you are ungrateful blah blah....nope she cant say that to me becuase I did MY life on MY OWN.

if you don't mind me asking are what nationality are you? reason why i am asking because me being Asian...that sounds a lot like asian culture and what our parents put us through and the things they say...sorry for going off topic...it is because as i read your post i brings back a lot of memories with what i went through with my family and the words are like deja vu! hehe

[Yorkiedaze]

Just keep your husband as your best friend and the both of you work on making a nice life for yourself. Be thankful that your not indebted to your family because you will get much more respect. I wouldn't let all this get you down. Just visit with your mom once in awhile and have a really nice life.

[xxmxaxrxyxx]

Originally Posted by Yorkiedaze

Just keep your husband as your best friend and the both of you work on making a nice life for yourself. Be thankful that your not indebted to your family because you will get much more respect. I wouldn't let all this get you down. Just visit with your mom once in awhile and have a really nice life.

great advice!

[bchgirl]

Just because someone is able to give birth...doesn't mean they'll be a good parent.

The situation isn't bothering your mother, nor your sister...it bothers you. If you don't accept it is what it is...it will eat you up inside.

Sorry it's sucky...