Opinions Needed - Sorry So Long

[Too Cute Teddy]

I need the opinions of the very wise YT community!! My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four years and have started thinking about buying a house together - we are both teachers, have secure jobs and make decent money. We went to see a house last night that we really like that is a decent price, in a nice neighborhood, and on a quarter acre, which is a nice size lot for the area where I'm from. One of my best friends went with us just to look when we went to see the house, and she kept saying how nice it was and we should make an offer and if we didn't she would tell her parents about it. Now today, she called me and was with one of our other good friends and they both asked me why I would think of buying a house with someone I wasn't engaged to, and if I was going to live with someone before getting married, then why ever bother getting married in the future. Now keep in mind that this friend just dumped her bf of 7 years a month after getting engaged, and my other friend has a 7 y/o and just broke up with his father after 10 yrs of a crappy relationship. To get the the very long-winded point, they are making me feel really stupid for wanting to take this step, and it makes me sad that I am always there for them and very supportive, and they are telling me these things. I'm not sure how to take this, and wanted some non-biased opinions. Thanks!!

[sheilajom]

I live with my boyfriend in his house and love him and never want to leave him. But this story you wrote is not about if you are going to be with him forever or not, it's about buying something very expensive that you plan to keep forever. The fact is that you don't know if you will be with him forever and why would you risk your finances over this. I've seen many people break up and fight a lot over who keeps what and have even seen people not pay on purpose to ruin the other person's credit. ALL of them said they can't believe that they behaved in this manner after breaking up and thought they knew them well, but you never really know someone until you break their heart and see how they react.

[LuvMySissy]

We all know there are no guarantees of not breaking up even if you are married. I would just cay this is a big step and if you buy the house together, make sure everything is equally split and both of your names are on the house. Then, if things don't work out in the end, there is no question that you are both entitled to half.

Unfortunately, many "friends" get very jealous when it is something they would like for themselves. Sounds like their true colors are showing.

[Too Cute Teddy]

I have definately thought about the expense of a house, and we do want to get married, but financially we paying for a house and a wedding at the same time would make money tight. The house we are looking at is a very good price, and with the interest rates right now, I feel like if we wait a year or two to get a house things may start to increase again. As far as losing money, we have done the pre-approval in both our names and the house would be in both as well. He would actually be putting down the greater amount of money, so it is more of a risk for him than me. I just feel like they are being very negative. I am very much a realist, and know what can happen, but I feel like even if we got married tomorrow there is still no guarantee and we could still have the issue of splitting assets. I don't know...I just felt hurt by their reaction - maybe I am just being too sensitive

[celstu1]

I bought a house with my bf of 7 years, after 2 years, he proposed, 5 months later (almost 10 years together) we broke up. He said that he was not ready for the committment of married and home ownership life! Had nothing to do with money. Im not telling you not to do it, but I would think about it really hard. Your 2 friends told you something that you didn't want to hear Im sure, I hate that! I understand how you feel cuz all my friends told me not to do it too! I just wish I listened. I wouldn't do it again. I own my own house now and have a bf who owns his own house. he wants me to rent mine out and move in with him. I said HELL NO!!! I love him and miss him when Im not with him, but this time around, the guy will marry me before I merge 'assets' with him!

Good Luck sweetie! Its a tough decision. They do say that couples that live together before marriage tend to fall apart faster than couples who do not. Just a statistical fact I read somewhere!

[cdawnfine]

Originally Posted by Too Cute Teddy

I have definately thought about the expense of a house, and we do want to get married, but financially we paying for a house and a wedding at the same time would make money tight. The house we are looking at is a very good price, and with the interest rates right now, I feel like if we wait a year or two to get a house things may start to increase again. As far as losing money, we have done the pre-approval in both our names and the house would be in both as well. He would actually be putting down the greater amount of money, so it is more of a risk for him than me. I just feel like they are being very negative. I am very much a realist, and know what can happen, but I feel like even if we got married tomorrow there is still no guarantee and we could still have the issue of splitting assets. I don't know...I just felt hurt by their reaction - maybe I am just being too sensitive

No you are just being human, we have a tendency to expect our friends to react the same way we would in that situation. Unfortunatly it just does not always work out that way and someones feelings get hurt. As far as buying the house goes follow your heart but protect your wallet, make sure everything is documented by an attorny it is best for both of you. Good Luck.

[Duncansmom]

i have done this both ways...married and not married and you know what...married ppl break up also. If you want to better your financial future, then a risk is worth taking IMO. thats what lawyers are for, they can draw up a kind of (for lack of a better word) a real estate pre-nup. It will cover you both if the worst case happens, god forbid. But in the end..the only one who can decide is you...well and him, but its about your life as an unmarried woman. Protect yourself financially and go for what you think is right for YOU! PM me if you would like to chat some more...I have been buying real estate for many years, notice I didnt say selling and I have learned alot. Now its my business.

Good Luck and remember, do whats right for YOU not whats right for someone else.

[For My Coby]

You've gotten some really good advice. As the mom of a 21 year old who just moved in with her bf, this hits a little close to home. If you feel that your friends' comments came from the wrong place (jealousy, their own insecurities, etc), I would shrug those off.

BUT I would listen to those with experience. Love does not conquer all even when it doesn't change or fade. Financial difficulties or disagreements are reported to be the #1 cause of relationship stress and/or break up. So don't set yourself up for that. Be sure that you have "i" dotted and "t" crossed if you want to do this. While this decision has to be a BUSINESS decision, there's also no reason that it can't have a happily ever after ending. But always protect yourself along the way.

[MissSophie]

My daughter is 30 and getting married the 24th of this month. She and her soon to be husband bought a house together two years ago. She is on the paper, but she didn't give him her money at the time of purchase. She was waiting until they became engaged. You have been given great advice. The difference between a marriage break up and a dating break up is that there are no legal safeguards for those who are just dating. So making sure that you have an attorney who gives you good advice as to your rights should the two of you part is very important.

[Patti]

I would go for it as long as you are financially protected which it sounds like you are. There are never guarantees but if it makes sense financially then why not. Is it possible your friend wants her parents to buy the house you are interested in and part of the reason she is being negative?

[TootiesMom]

being married doesnt stop breakups, I agree with the others who beleive that if YOU feel it is right, go for it as long as you take the correct legal steps to protect yourself... it sounds to me like your friends are the ones with the commitment issue....
Good Luck to you and your "spouse".....
d

[cariblonde]

I agree I think buying a house right now is a great thing to do and I say as long as you take the right legal action to protect yourself then why not....
Good luck with your decision

[Sunnie]

You have been given some great advice. I would not fault your friends for them questioning it... after all.. if they WERE NOT real friends, they would not have cared enough to even mention it. They are looking out for your well being. That being said, I would ask myself.... would I co-sign a loan for my boyfriend? is he of the upmost integrety that he would make sure I am protected? Basically what you are doing is co-signing a loan and you have to consider the integrity of your boyfriend that if things went south for the two of you that you could sit down and CONSTRUCTIVELY settle with how to handle the house.. Are you able to talk out things in a normal manner? Use your GUT feelings.. they are the best in this situation. Do NOT use your heart... You know him better than anyone.. If you KNOW he would never allow you to be brought down in case of a breakup... then see an attorney and write up a real-estate pre-nup as someone else suggested and make both YOU and your boyfriend are covered and comfortable in it. Good luck sweetie

[Erin]

I can relate to what you are saying a lot. In our case his parents didn't approve of us RENTING and never stopped bugging us to buy a house (that we couldn't afford!)

We bought a townhouse at the top of the market, right before we got married, because we thought prices would keep going up. They didn't. Now we are stuck with it. There will ALWAYS be more houses. Don't buy it unless you are in love with it and truly can afford the mortgage, taxes, insurance, and anything that might come up. You'll always get pre-approved for more than you can afford because the banks know you will pay your mortgage first. Stick to 1/4-1/3 of your monthly income, taking into account other payments you might have. When we went from our 2 bedroom apt to our 2 bedroom TH our utility bills doubled... then we needed more furniture... we still had student loans, a car loan, medical loans... we could NOT afford this. Pay off all of your debt and set yourselves up financially so you don't have to fight about money.

Also, I think I sense a little bit of "we can't afford to get married" You CAN afford to get married, and if you are thinking about buying a house together he should be worthy enough to marry. What you can't afford is a big fancy wedding. We got engaged (Charged the ring - paid for it forever - so I never really got to enjoy it actually. I would have rather had a cheaper ring and no CC bill!) Anyway we didn't get to planning a wedding right away because we "couldn't afford it" Don't get caught up in it. We ended up having a modest wedding but we still let our parents invite all of these people we had never met and will never see again. I wanted probably 30-40 of them to be there and those people would not have cared if I got married in a off-the-rack dress, in a field, carrying daisies. Seriously. My best advice to you is that in 2 years, in 5 years, in 10 years the *wedding* you had will not matter but the marriage will.

I know someone who got married and almost immediately divorced because she and her mother cared more about the wedding than her marriage and apparently who she was marrying. $30,000 down the drain. I think they spent $4000 on pictures they are never going to look at again. She was a complete bridezilla and openly criticized me for having a less lavish wedding. Yeah well, I still have a husband! It's all about your attitude!!!

[For My Coby]

Originally Posted by Erin

I can relate to what you are saying a lot. In our case his parents didn't approve of us RENTING and never stopped bugging us to buy a house (that we couldn't afford!)

We bought a townhouse at the top of the market, right before we got married, because we thought prices would keep going up. They didn't. Now we are stuck with it. There will ALWAYS be more houses. Don't buy it unless you are in love with it and truly can afford the mortgage, taxes, insurance, and anything that might come up. You'll always get pre-approved for more than you can afford because the banks know you will pay your mortgage first. Stick to 1/4-1/3 of your monthly income, taking into account other payments you might have. When we went from our 2 bedroom apt to our 2 bedroom TH our utility bills doubled... then we needed more furniture... we still had student loans, a car loan, medical loans... we could NOT afford this. Pay off all of your debt and set yourselves up financially so you don't have to fight about money.

Also, I think I sense a little bit of "we can't afford to get married" You CAN afford to get married, and if you are thinking about buying a house together he should be worthy enough to marry. What you can't afford is a big fancy wedding. We got engaged (Charged the ring - paid for it forever - so I never really got to enjoy it actually. I would have rather had a cheaper ring and no CC bill!) Anyway we didn't get to planning a wedding right away because we "couldn't afford it" Don't get caught up in it. We ended up having a modest wedding but we still let our parents invite all of these people we had never met and will never see again. I wanted probably 30-40 of them to be there and those people would not have cared if I got married in a off-the-rack dress, in a field, carrying daisies. Seriously. My best advice to you is that in 2 years, in 5 years, in 10 years the *wedding* you had will not matter but the marriage will.

I know someone who got married and almost immediately divorced because she and her mother cared more about the wedding than her marriage and apparently who she was marrying. $30,000 down the drain. I think they spent $4000 on pictures they are never going to look at again. She was a complete bridezilla and openly criticized me for having a less lavish wedding. Yeah well, I still have a husband! It's all about your attitude!!!