Joke's

[cindy0721]

WHY PARENTS DRINK
>
> A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With
the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and
read the letter.
>
>
> Dear Dad:
>
>
> It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
you.
> I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I
knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos,
tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is 25 years older than I
am.
> But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that
we
will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of
firewood for the whole winter! We share a dream of having many more
children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't
really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it
with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the
meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy
can get better. She deserves it.
> Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday
I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
grandchildren.
>
>
> Love, Your son Jeff
>
>
> P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. Just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report
card. That is in my center desk drawer.
>
>
>
> Call me when it's safe to come home

[cindy0721]

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the
same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked
on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation,
for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers
finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his
chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my
wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a
whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about
you?'

Bush replied, 'Go ahead, MY wife doesn't know what the
inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

[cindy0721]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well, that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.' After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes,', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

[cindy0721]

Subject: Be strong........

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped
convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain....do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"


His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."

[cindy0721]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you
a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -
grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know s***?

[cindy0721]

WOULD YOU REMARRY??

A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading
when the wife looks over at him and asks THE
question.....

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would
you get married again?

HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'

WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'

WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

WIFE: 'You would?' (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'

HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.'

WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'

WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.'

WI FE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do'

WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'

HUSBAND : 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'

WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: 'Yes, those are always good times.'

WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: 'No, she's left-handed.'

WIFE: ----- silence ------

HUSBAND: 's**t.'

[cindy0721]

We are in trouble...








The population of this country is 300 million.








160 million are retired.









That leaves 140 million to do the work.









There are 85 million in school.










Which leaves 55 million to do the work.













Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.











Leaving 15 million to do the work.











2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.











Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.











Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.











At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals











Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.











Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.









That leaves just two people to do the work











You and me.








And there you are,







Sitting on your ass,









At your computer, reading jokes.

[cataholic]

Very funny, loved them all!!!

[RoxyJosMom]

Thanks for the giggles - cute jokes.

[cindy0721]

the first I heard these I was CRACKING up... lol.... hope it lightened some of your days....

[yorkiecrazy]

[reeses]

Yay!! I love reading jokes! Come on give us more!!!

[SladesMommy]

Those were great!

[chattiesmom]

Thank you so very much for the laugh, believe me, I needed one tonight

[cindy0721]

glad you guys liked them... I loved the last one.. it was too funny .....