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Old 04-15-2008, 04:30 AM   #1
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Angry What would you do? (long sorry)

I need to vent guys and get some opinions so please just bare with me.

Ok, since my grandmother passed away a few weeks ago my mom, who is the oldest of 5 daughters, has been going crazy. She has had to get my grandparent's bill in order, deal with my grandfather's meds and doctors and money. Their finances were such a mess because my grandmother was the one to deal with all of the bills since my grandfather doesn't read well and doesn't write. Well the last few weeks before my grandmother passed she was recovering from knee surgery and never told anyone that their financial state was as bad as it was. Anyway, mom is an art teacher, doesn't make a whole lot of money, but because the life insurance paperwork was being redone it did not pay for the funeral which left my mom to pay for it.
Here's where I start to get angry, out of 5 daughters she is the only one helping like a daughter should. Not one of the others is doing anything to help my grandfather or to help my mom. The youngest daughter lives not even 5 mins away and the only time she goes over there is to make dinner for her, her fiance, his kids and my grandfather using his food. He can't afford that. My grandfather gets bored which I can understand all day by yourself, so he shops by phone. He spent 300 on 2 mops! He told my mom he bought one for Jaymie(the youngest) because "she's so good to me". Good grief she needs to be around him, that's her dad! But when my mom told her to send the mop back because he couldn't afford it she said "no, it's a gift". She is planning her wedding for August, she has been telling everyone she has no money and wanting my granfather to pay for it! The man has 500 to last him all month, that's it!
The other daughter, second youngest, lives in NC. Ok too far to help take care of him hands on but, I road with her up to NJ when my grandmother passed and all I kept hearing was how much money they have and have no bills, blah blah blah, so why is my mom paying for everything on a teacher's salery! So you think they have put a dime into helping? NO! When we were up there for the funeral she helped clean his place and some laundry, well my grandmother loved to shop to (why their finances were such a mess) she has 4 closets full of clothes and shoes. My aunt was supposed to take some of the stuff to a consighnment shop so my grandad could get some extra money. NO, she gives them away! My grandmother had to have the BEST, so about 20 pairs of shoes, that according to my mom were high dollar names and almost 200 each pair, were just given away!

The other two I can't fault too much because they are in their own financial distress and don't live close by.
My biggest problem though is that when one the daughters calls my mom to find out how he's doing the NEVER ask how she's holding up! She still has not greived for her own mother because of the mountains of things she is left to take care of on her own. She is so stressed out! My way of thinking is that there are 5 daughters, your parents take care of you most of your life but when they need you, as their child you step up and take care of them any way you can! They've just left it up to my mom.
I told my mom that I was going to become the biggest niece b*tch they've ever known because I was about to throw one helacious fit. I can't stand hearing my mom so worn out and down on the phone. I live 16 hours away but have been helping my mom with finding insurance and finding better prices for his meds and getting him his dog. I can't afford to really do anything but this is my grandad, my family I will do everything I can, so why can't his own daughters do that?!
Anyway, I'm winding down now but I'm ready to send a letter or email to the other daughters about the stress that my mom is left to deal with all on her own. What would you do in my situation?
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Old 04-15-2008, 04:38 AM   #2
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I really don't know what I would do in this situation...but I am so sorry you are all having to go through this. It is hard to lose someone you love,...then the stress on top of it...

I'm really sorry I hope things pick up soon!!!
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Old 04-15-2008, 04:51 AM   #3
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My way of thinking is that there are 5 daughters, your parents take care of you most of your life but when they need you, as their child you step up and take care of them any way you can!

i agree, every one should pitch in and help as much as they can.

, I'm winding down now but I'm ready to send a letter or email to the other daughters about the stress that my mom is left to deal with all on her own.

im pretty forward so I WOULD try and talk to them, let them know the situation and how your feeling about this and take it from there, because its too much stress for you and your mom

sorry about your grandmother
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Old 04-15-2008, 05:43 AM   #4
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Sounds like time for a family meeting. Time to get everything out on the table!
Finances, insurance etc.
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Old 04-15-2008, 07:19 AM   #5
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Sounds like time for a family meeting. Time to get everything out on the table!
Finances, insurance etc.
I agree. Communication is the key! All the finanical info should be made available to her family members. Your mother needs to be relaying all this info to her sisters. A game plan needs to be established that will work for everyone, and everyone has to agree to it. You mother should be delegating some of the work to her sisters. No one should be doing all of it and everyone should be participating, but it may be up to your mother to "quarter back" it and make the assigned duties. That should make things go faster and smoother.
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Old 04-15-2008, 07:24 AM   #6
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The only thing you can do is try to help out and support your mom whether it be emotionally or financially as much as you are able to. I have same problems with my family and if you are good to your mom, it will lessen her stress knowing you will do what you can to help her out. Throwing a fit only works to a certain extent.
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Old 04-15-2008, 08:51 AM   #7
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I am and have been in your Mom's situation when my sister passed.....I was power of attorney ( I didn't want my Mom to have to worry about anything other than her daughter ) but the rest of the family could have done A LOT more to help. I still haven't grieved, it's been so crazy. I have her 4 year old daugther that I can't break down around. I don't know......sometimes I think being as busy as I was really helped b/c as things slow down....I shed a few tears here and there in private but, when it first happened I don't know how I would have came back from that. I hope whatever is best for your Mom will happen.

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Old 04-15-2008, 09:19 AM   #8
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omg!!! I cant belive that!!! I think you def. need to open up a can of whoop ass on them! lol no seriously you need to talk to them!! thats sooooo messed up! Im sorry for your loss of your grandmother and Im sorry you and your mom even have to deal with this from your family! if you need to talk you can always pm me... we can all help with coming up with something to tell them...
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Old 04-15-2008, 02:31 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by margaritaville View Post
Sounds like time for a family meeting. Time to get everything out on the table!
Finances, insurance etc.
we had a meeting of sorts when we were all there for the funeral. Everyone is aware of the financial situation. After calming down (not by much) I have figured that I would email the other sisters as a plea for help for my mom. I don't want to go off too much and bring it down on my mom even more.
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Old 04-15-2008, 03:16 PM   #10
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I understand EXACTLY how you feel. My mom went through the exact same thing. When her father died she was the only one who did anything. Her siblings never offered a dime or any time cleaning out his house, organizing his affairs or help with the funeral. My mom did it all. I knew how hard it was for her and I tried to get her to talk to her siblings but she wouldn't, she held it all in. It took her a long time to get over it, actually I don't think she ever did. It made me so angry. Sending an email or having a family meeting is not a bad idea, just make sure you don't do it while you are angry. Collect your thoughts first, I think you will have better results if you do it calmly. I don't think it is wrong at all to want to protect your mom and explain to her siblings how uncaring and inconsiderate they are being.

Good luck and I'm sorry for your loss
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Old 04-15-2008, 03:36 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by altigger74 View Post
we had a meeting of sorts when we were all there for the funeral. Everyone is aware of the financial situation. After calming down (not by much) I have figured that I would email the other sisters as a plea for help for my mom. I don't want to go off too much and bring it down on my mom even more.
Oh, I'm so glad I read through all the posts and read your 2nd one here. While I agree that it's reprehensible that it's all falling on your mom and with everything that everyone else said, I was going to caution you to tread lightly for your mom's sake. We have to be careful not to add MORE stress by way of making them feel guilty for complaining, etc. That happens all too easily.

Sounds like you have a great calmness about you making you a great one to play liaison. I agree with the "plea" for help route.

Best of luck. At times like this, we learn way more about family than we really ever wanted to. Hugs to you all. (And yes, being executer or POA can delay the grieving process. So be ready to lend a shoulder and a hug when the time comes for her. It will hit her hard.)
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Old 04-15-2008, 06:29 PM   #12
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I definiately will wait until I can be calm a rational before I send a letter. I'm not sure about calmness just an overwhelming need to protect my mom. When she finally does grieve I'm thankful that my two sisters and brother are close around her. since I live so far away I can only be an ear for her. It's sad that the four of us (my two sisters, me and my brother) have done more to help my mom and grandfather than the ten other grandkids let alone his own daughters. My mom is a very strong woman that has been through some horrible things but I don't know how long she can go like this. I thought the other day I had finally started to greive for my grandmother but I think I am so upset for my mom and sad for my grandfather that they are who I am greiving for.
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Old 04-15-2008, 07:00 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by altigger74 View Post
I need to vent guys and get some opinions so please just bare with me.

Ok, since my grandmother passed away a few weeks ago my mom, who is the oldest of 5 daughters, has been going crazy. She has had to get my grandparent's bill in order, deal with my grandfather's meds and doctors and money. Their finances were such a mess because my grandmother was the one to deal with all of the bills since my grandfather doesn't read well and doesn't write. Well the last few weeks before my grandmother passed she was recovering from knee surgery and never told anyone that their financial state was as bad as it was. Anyway, mom is an art teacher, doesn't make a whole lot of money, but because the life insurance paperwork was being redone it did not pay for the funeral which left my mom to pay for it.
Here's where I start to get angry, out of 5 daughters she is the only one helping like a daughter should. Not one of the others is doing anything to help my grandfather or to help my mom. The youngest daughter lives not even 5 mins away and the only time she goes over there is to make dinner for her, her fiance, his kids and my grandfather using his food. He can't afford that. My grandfather gets bored which I can understand all day by yourself, so he shops by phone. He spent 300 on 2 mops! He told my mom he bought one for Jaymie(the youngest) because "she's so good to me". Good grief she needs to be around him, that's her dad! But when my mom told her to send the mop back because he couldn't afford it she said "no, it's a gift". She is planning her wedding for August, she has been telling everyone she has no money and wanting my granfather to pay for it! The man has 500 to last him all month, that's it!
The other daughter, second youngest, lives in NC. Ok too far to help take care of him hands on but, I road with her up to NJ when my grandmother passed and all I kept hearing was how much money they have and have no bills, blah blah blah, so why is my mom paying for everything on a teacher's salery! So you think they have put a dime into helping? NO! When we were up there for the funeral she helped clean his place and some laundry, well my grandmother loved to shop to (why their finances were such a mess) she has 4 closets full of clothes and shoes. My aunt was supposed to take some of the stuff to a consighnment shop so my grandad could get some extra money. NO, she gives them away! My grandmother had to have the BEST, so about 20 pairs of shoes, that according to my mom were high dollar names and almost 200 each pair, were just given away!

The other two I can't fault too much because they are in their own financial distress and don't live close by.
My biggest problem though is that when one the daughters calls my mom to find out how he's doing the NEVER ask how she's holding up! She still has not greived for her own mother because of the mountains of things she is left to take care of on her own. She is so stressed out! My way of thinking is that there are 5 daughters, your parents take care of you most of your life but when they need you, as their child you step up and take care of them any way you can! They've just left it up to my mom.
I told my mom that I was going to become the biggest niece b*tch they've ever known because I was about to throw one helacious fit. I can't stand hearing my mom so worn out and down on the phone. I live 16 hours away but have been helping my mom with finding insurance and finding better prices for his meds and getting him his dog. I can't afford to really do anything but this is my grandad, my family I will do everything I can, so why can't his own daughters do that?!
Anyway, I'm winding down now but I'm ready to send a letter or email to the other daughters about the stress that my mom is left to deal with all on her own. What would you do in my situation?
I was in the same boat as your mom there are 3 of us and neither one of my sisters helped with funeral expenses and nursing home for my mom,and then 2 years and 6 months later my dad passes and same thing over again had to pay for my fathers funeral expense ,i can understand how your mom feels but by law there is nothing she can do just pay it and go on , I belive in carma her sisters will end up getting what comes to them someday,i paid my parents expense and it made me a better person ,plus they are my parents and i love them and wanted to give them a nice burial.
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