i'm shocked

[pepe mint]

My daughters father is a great father. always has been. he adores our daughter.

I am utterly shocked by this...
I emailed him and told him that Trinity's first gymnastics competition is on Dec. 9th and it would mean a lot to her if he could be there.

this is what he wrote me back:

I’ll be out of town toward Memphis with some friends of ours. Beth and Debbie are graduating that day so we’re all going down there to the ceremony.


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yep..his wife is graduating from her college. i understand that is a big deal. but i did not expect him to miss his daughters first competition for something like that. am i wrong?? i'm really shocked. and maybe i am being stupid about it. i mean...yeah, Trinity will have more competitions and this is only one of 2 graduations that his wife will have (she is going back after this for another degree). but i just never thought he would do that. i thought he would be more than anxious to be at something like this for his daughter.

am i over-reacting? If I am, I can handle that. Just need some other opinions.

[lidarose]

I'm sure that this has nothing to do with his love for his daughter. He had probably already made plans for the graduation, knew about it since the semester started and promised to be there.
If he is a good father I'm sure it bothers him that he has to miss the recital. Kids know that parents can't always make it to everything. I know it must be bothering you that he seems to have chosen his wife over his daughter, but I don't think it was so much a choice as an important prior committment. Suggest to him that he send his daughter flowers on her special day, my dad always did that when he couldn't be at something of mine and it made me feel so good that even though he wasn't there he was thinking of me.

[vainchick5]

Well I think if he's a good father, then he probably already feels bad for missing his daughters competition. But I don't think you should be too upset. Your daughter will have many other competitions that he can attend. Graduations are a one time thing.

[pepe mint]

Originally Posted by lidarose

I'm sure that this has nothing to do with his love for his daughter. He had probably already made plans for the graduation, knew about it since the semester started and promised to be there.
If he is a good father I'm sure it bothers him that he has to miss the recital. Kids know that parents can't always make it to everything. I know it must be bothering you that he seems to have chosen his wife over his daughter, but I don't think it was so much a choice as an important prior committment. Suggest to him that he send his daughter flowers on her special day, my dad always did that when he couldn't be at something of mine and it made me feel so good that even though he wasn't there he was thinking of me.

that is a great idea. very insightful thank you!! and i know it has nothing to do with his love for his daughter. but this is just where it is starting...and i have always been afraid of him choosing his wife over trinity...because she does not like children, she thinks they cut into her time too much...and to top it off, she does not like me at all. so any time he has to go out of his way to see his daughter or she has to be inconvenienced in any way, hell breaks loose. so i am thinking this is just the beginning. and it sucks.

but you have great ideas and i appreciate it

[lidarose]

Originally Posted by pepe mint

that is a great idea. very insightful thank you!! and i know it has nothing to do with his love for his daughter. but this is just where it is starting...and i have always been afraid of him choosing his wife over trinity...because she does not like children, she thinks they cut into her time too much...and to top it off, she does not like me at all. so any time he has to go out of his way to see his daughter or she has to be inconvenienced in any way, hell breaks loose. so i am thinking this is just the beginning. and it sucks.

but you have great ideas and i appreciate it

She's just jealous, kids are tight bonds between people. It's bad that she doesn't like kids, makes it so much harder on you. Keep the lines of communication open between him and your daughter, encourage their relationship as much as you can, the closer he remains to her the harder it will be for him to take his wife's side when she decides to go ballistic .

[pepe mint]

i just talked to him and he said he would be sure to send her something special that day. he also said that he might be able to catch part of it, depending on what time graduation is over. but i wont hold my breath on that. graduation is at 11, give it an hour or so to get over with, then the socializing...and it is over 3 hours drive. the competition is from 2-5. so i really dont see him making it. but he is showing that he would like to at least try, and that means a lot.

[Yorkiekids]

I wouldn't be too upset. She'll have other competitions he can go to, but I really like the idea of sending her flowers.

[pepe mint]

Originally Posted by lidarose

She's just jealous, kids are tight bonds between people. It's bad that she doesn't like kids, makes it so much harder on you. Keep the lines of communication open between him and your daughter, encourage their relationship as much as you can, the closer he remains to her the harder it will be for him to take his wife's side when she decides to go ballistic .

yeah, and me and her father are still very close. we were best friends for 10 years...so we have a lot of history. and always will be close. she is very jealous of that. although, it has gotten better since i got married. a LITTLE better

[Grayson's mom]

I bet he feels bad he can't attend. I am sure he wants to go but because he has known about the graduation for a while he has promised to go already. Perhaps video the competion for him? Then your daughter can watch with dad the next time they are together?

[pepe mint]

Originally Posted by Grayson's mom

I bet he feels bad he can't attend. I am sure he wants to go but because he has known about the graduation for a while he has promised to go already. Perhaps video the competion for him? Then your daughter can watch with dad the next time they are together?

yes, i will be sure to do that

[lidarose]

Originally Posted by pepe mint

i just talked to him and he said he would be sure to send her something special that day. he also said that he might be able to catch part of it, depending on what time graduation is over. but i wont hold my breath on that. graduation is at 11, give it an hour or so to get over with, then the socializing...and it is over 3 hours drive. the competition is from 2-5. so i really dont see him making it. but he is showing that he would like to at least try, and that means a lot.

He sounds like a really good dad! If he skips the socializing and leaves right after graduation he could make part of it and be there to clap! Sounds to me like he really doesn't want to miss it.

[pepe mint]

Originally Posted by lidarose

He sounds like a really good dad! If he skips the socializing and leaves right after graduation he could make part of it and be there to clap! Sounds to me like he really doesn't want to miss it.

I think he really does want to be there. he could probably come and see part of it, but who knows when she will do her routine, so we aren't sure what time he would need to be there to see her do hers. but i will take video for him, and he can be there for the next one or else.... LOL

[MyFairLacy]

I'm sure it's just that he's had plans to attend his wife's graduation for a while now

[jp4m2]

I think your first reaction was correct...

I know this is not the popular opinion, but I'm gong out on a limb here and I'm going to say it anyway because it involves a child...

I think over all your ex is probably a pretty good dad, but in saying that, he may be losing sight on what is important....Trinity did not ask for this situation nor did she get a vote in it.... I believe when she has something that is important to her he needs to move heaven and earth to be there for her.....to some of us an adults graduation would rank higher than a little girls gym competition, but I would wager a bet this is just as important to Trinity, and that's what matters....I'm sure the flowers are going to be nice, but a poor substitution for the real thing, her dad....if you ask her I would bet she would prefer looking out in that audience and seeing both her parents smiling faces.....

I think your ex should have reversed the situation, he should have come to Trinity's event first then went to the new wifes second. The new wife went in to this knowing the situation, she should have been the one to back him up by saying, "Go ahead hun, I understand completely, your little girl needs you."....Trinity should not have to compete with her for her dads time or attention. Even if this new wife thinks she is now the big kahuna, your ex's first priorities, obligations, commitments, and devotion, should go to Trinity....I don't believe it's fair or right to expect a little girl to have to understand, except, or process these kinds of disappointments when it's avoidable. The adults should have to make the all the sacrifices not her....

Sorry if this is off base but I get a little riled when kids are in the mix...just trying to give some other perspective .....IMO....











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[pepe mint]

thank you!!
I am trying to be understanding to the situation, but I feel the same way you do. thankfully, i have not told her that her dad would or would not be there. had i told her he would be, and he didn't show, then i would have to rip his head off and shove it up his butt. I am not going to tell Trinity why he is not there. I will just tell her that he cannot make it. I wish I didn't have to tell her anything, I would love nothing more than for her to be surprised by him being there.

I am so sad by this whole thing. I am trying to be understanding. I am trying to not be disappointed...but i remember the day I found out they were dating...(keep in mind..she used to be a mutual friend who would babysit for us so we could have "dates"). I remember telling him that if he EVER puts her first, it would wage a war between us. I remember him promising me that would never happen. so as understanding as I am trying to be...I can't help but remember that conversation.

here's my situation...me and my husband work with this big investor. our jobs...our income...it depends soley on making this investor happy. well, he is coming into town that same weekend. guess what...he is going to have to sit in his hotel and just wait for this to be over...or he can join us...but i am NOT putting him before my daughter. period. yes, it is a different situation, but in some ways it is the same. I can put off my investor and make him sit and wait for us to be finished with what we need to do with our family....but he cannot tell his wife that he is putting Trinity first and going to be there for her. Heck, my husband doesn't have to be there for trinity, but he is. period. he wouldnt miss it for anything.

like i said many times before, i am trying to be understanding, but all in all, i am disappointed. very disappointed in him.

Originally Posted by jp4m2

I think your first reaction was correct...

I know this is not the popular opinion, but I'm gong out on a limb here and I'm going to say it anyway because it involves a child...

I think over all your ex is probably a pretty good dad, but in saying that, he may be losing sight on what is important....Trinity did not ask for this situation nor did she get a vote in it.... I believe when she has something that is important to her he needs to move heaven and earth to be there for her.....to some of us an adults graduation would rank higher than a little girls gym competition, but I would wager a bet this is just as important to Trinity, and that's what matters....I'm sure the flowers are going to be nice, but a poor substitution for the real thing, her dad....if you ask her I would bet she would prefer looking out in that audience and seeing both her parents smiling faces.....

I think your ex should have reversed the situation, he should have come to Trinity's event first then went to the new wifes second. The new wife went in to this knowing the situation, she should have been the one to back him up by saying, "Go ahead hun, I understand completely, your little girl needs you."....Trinity should not have to compete with her for her dads time or attention. Even if this new wife thinks she is now the big kahuna, your ex's first priorities, obligations, commitments, and devotion, should go to Trinity....I don't believe it's fair or right to expect a little girl to have to understand, except, or process these kinds of disappointments when it's avoidable. The adults should have to make the all the sacrifices not her....

Sorry if this is off base but I get a little riled when kids are in the mix...just trying to give some other perspective .....IMO....











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