I drew a line, now what?

[LouisLove]

This may be too lengthy for some, but i really need advice.

My sister was married at the age of 16. At 17 she had a boy, my love,Daniel. She got divorced after 3 years (he was caught cheating) and immediately ran into a man, twice her age, hands. He has been in her life, off and on, for the past 7 years. He cheated on her twice. Once with his CURRENT wife's cousin's daughter and once with our cousin's baby's mama. Ew. She began to tell me how she wanted to leave him and for 7 years I would try to help her. ONLY when she asked for my help. Which was all the time. at least 3 times a year. I've been married for 3 years now and my husban has seen my struggle with her lifestyle and has seen me pick up the shattered remains of my heart. all in vain. This story is incredibly similar to the story of The boy Who cried Wolf!

Last spring I drew a line with her, and flat out asked her if she was going to leave hm or not, if she loved him to just say it and I could accept it. She said "I am going to leave him" So then I said I give you a month to do it and move in with me. She couldn't so I told her "no more" I will only talk to her about Daniel and her health. But I did not want to hear about her relationship with him. He also kicked my mother out of his house, and attacked her with a clothes hanger. Oh yeah girls, he's a winner!

Now, she is pregnant with, unfortunately, his baby. a baby whom I will love no matter what. I need help in keeping that line I drew alive. I drew it "selfishly" to protect my physical, mental, and spiritual health altogether. My dad is flying here for the holidays and will be staying with her. HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS?! I'm not a dramatic person, but if you know me you know that my "no" means "no". If I step foot in that house, my sister would take it as though I am OK with everything,but my main concern isn't her remaining with him. It is me witnessing her misery and, as always, feeling helpless, useless and defeated.

I know some may think I am being a butt-in-ski but in a way this isn't about her it is about me and my relationship with my family. Does that make sense? I am desperate.

[jp4m2]

I'm so sorry all of your family is having to deal with this situation.... that's a lot of awful stuff your sister is going through....her man sounds like a real winner....

I've gone through a some what similar situation w/ my sis and I had to come to the realization.....I have no control or power in this situation, I have to let it go...

I also had to realize my sister was not a complete victim in all this, she was a volunteer.....

This is not fair to your husband having to listen to this and watch his wife getting upset, this is having a negative impact on your home life....some times when there are destructive and dangerous people in our lives we have to pull away for self preservation, it's sad, but if we don't there will be more than one family suffering....I hope your mom keeps her distance also, when a man will attack a women like that he's dangerous...

I would tell your sister that you can't be a sounding board anymore but when /if she's serious to leave then you'll do what you can t0o help,but until then you can't do it anymore...Good luck....

[Superstarkba]

Im sorry Is there a way that you can tell your parents how you feel and have them over at your house, that way you won't have to go to her house and cross the line that you drew?

[LouisLove]

Originally Posted by Superstarkba

Im sorry Is there a way that you can tell your parents how you feel and have them over at your house, that way you won't have to go to her house and cross the line that you drew?

Um, we live with my husbands parents. how do I say this....I would not feel comfortable with them being here. It would not be enjoyable. I can cry.

[momof4CA]

Originally Posted by jp4m2

I'm so sorry all of your family is having to deal with this situation.... that's a lot of awful stuff your sister is going through....her man sounds like a real winner....

I've gone through a some what similar situation w/ my sis and I had to come to the realization.....I have no control or power in this situation, I have to let it go...

I also had to realize my sister was not a complete victim in all this, she was a volunteer.....

This is not fair to your husband having to listen to this and watch his wife getting upset, this is having a negative impact on your home life....some times when there are destructive and dangerous people in our lives we have to pull away for self preservation, it's sad, but if we don't there will be more than one family suffering....I hope your mom keeps her distance also, when a man will attack a women like that he's dangerous...

I would tell your sister that you can't be a sounding board anymore but when /if she's serious to leave then you'll do what you can t0o help,but until then you can't do it anymore...Good luck....

This is great advice.

You could always invite "your parents" out to dinner or something. Visit on neuteral ground.

[LouisLove]

Originally Posted by jp4m2

I'm so sorry all of your family is having to deal with this situation.... that's a lot of awful stuff your sister is going through....her man sounds like a real winner....

I've gone through a some what similar situation w/ my sis and I had to come to the realization.....I have no control or power in this situation, I have to let it go...

I also had to realize my sister was not a complete victim in all this, she was a volunteer.....

This is not fair to your husband having to listen to this and watch his wife getting upset, this is having a negative impact on your home life....some times when there are destructive and dangerous people in our lives we have to pull away for self preservation, it's sad, but if we don't there will be more than one family suffering....I hope your mom keeps her distance also, when a man will attack a women like that he's dangerous...

I would tell your sister that you can't be a sounding board anymore but when /if she's serious to leave then you'll do what you can t0o help,but until then you can't do it anymore...Good luck....

this is exactly what I have done. Now i feel like (becasue she is favored) that I have no family available this holiday season. this bites.

[mistyinca]

Originally Posted by LouisLove

This may be too lengthy for some, but i really need advice.

My sister was married at the age of 16. At 17 she had a boy, my love,Daniel. She got divorced after 3 years (he was caught cheating) and immediately ran into a man, twice her age, hands. He has been in her life, off and on, for the past 7 years. He cheated on her twice. Once with his CURRENT wife's cousin's daughter and once with our cousin's baby's mama. Ew. She began to tell me how she wanted to leave him and for 7 years I would try to help her. ONLY when she asked for my help. Which was all the time. at least 3 times a year. I've been married for 3 years now and my husban has seen my struggle with her lifestyle and has seen me pick up the shattered remains of my heart. all in vain. This story is incredibly similar to the story of The boy Who cried Wolf!

Last spring I drew a line with her, and flat out asked her if she was going to leave hm or not, if she loved him to just say it and I could accept it. She said "I am going to leave him" So then I said I give you a month to do it and move in with me. She couldn't so I told her "no more" I will only talk to her about Daniel and her health. But I did not want to hear about her relationship with him. He also kicked my mother out of his house, and attacked her with a clothes hanger. Oh yeah girls, he's a winner!

Now, she is pregnant with, unfortunately, his baby. a baby whom I will love no matter what. I need help in keeping that line I drew alive. I drew it "selfishly" to protect my physical, mental, and spiritual health altogether. My dad is flying here for the holidays and will be staying with her. HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS?! I'm not a dramatic person, but if you know me you know that my "no" means "no". If I step foot in that house, my sister would take it as though I am OK with everything,but my main concern isn't her remaining with him. It is me witnessing her misery and, as always, feeling helpless, useless and defeated.

I know some may think I am being a butt-in-ski but in a way this isn't about her it is about me and my relationship with my family. Does that make sense? I am desperate.

I understand your need to try and "shelve" some of her issues for your own peace of mind. No one can blame you for wanting to put all of that in a box somewhere, close the lid, and be done with it.

Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. It sounds like your sister believes she needs this person for her own self worth. And, more importantly, it sounds to me like you really aren't finding any peace of mind by trying to close your eyes and ears to her relationship. Because you really DO care, and that makes you the kind of sister that she needs right now.

What might be a better approach would be to do things with her that very quietly, and very subtly let her realize she has more self-worth than that. Do things together as sisters. Boost her confidence. Maybe introduce her to a different circle of friends where she'll meet a more decent guy. If she married and had a child so young, I am going to assume that she didn't have a strong parental/family involvement in her life--and she was filling that void with the first husband/baby. You can give her what she needs to fill that void. Threatening to not hear her troubles gives her the message that hey, her feelings and troubles are not important enough, and that will make her cling to him more.

Just be a loving and supportive sister; that is all you can really do.

[LouisLove]

You are right on many counts. I still do care. I have tried to do those boosting up activites with her and has had 3 great suitors interested in her. She always thought that and I quote " no good guy would want me and my kid" it hurt me to think she thought Danny was a hinderence in her life instead of an asset. i guess in a way I gave up on her. boo! on me

[jp4m2]

I would have suggested to go to her home for the holidays and just put this issue on the back burner and just talk about the kids and neutral stuff...but the reason I didn't was because this man was abusive to your mom, that would almost impossible to pretend this didn't happen...

Can you just make a nice dinner for you and your DH and your mom and just enjoy the holiday together....put on some nice music and make cookies together....your DH would probably love the quiet....just try and make the best of the situation that ...I hope your holiday works our for you .....

[labrown]

My mother told me, you can't care more about a person than they care about themselves. You just can't. You can't force her to love herself anymore than she already does, and you can't make her do what is best for her.

We have some very self-destructive people in our family, and we have learned this lesson the hard way many, many times.

[LouisLove]

Originally Posted by labrown

My mother told me, you can't care more about a person than they care about themselves. You just can't. You can't force her to love herself anymore than she already does, and you can't make her do what is best for her.

We have some very self-destructive people in our family, and we have learned this lesson the hard way many, many times.

Thank you all for your inputs. This one in particular lies in the core of this situation. I have learned this growing up.

I realize this is a personal and touchy subject but I didn't know where else to turn. I will discuss this with my Best friend- my hubby once he gets home. I will bring up many of the suggestions posted. I pray there is a brekthrough in my family. Especially in my sister's life.

Once again, thank you all!

[labrown]

Yep, my mom hit the nail on the head when she told me this. I have thought many nights about what she said and how it applies to relationships I have. I hope you can work this all out, and I am glad your husband is such a good friend to you and you can talk to him about it. Hugs! You are not alone!

[LouisLove]

Originally Posted by labrown

Yep, my mom hit the nail on the head when she told me this. I have thought many nights about what she said and how it applies to relationships I have. I hope you can work this all out, and I am glad your husband is such a good friend to you and you can talk to him about it. Hugs! You are not alone!

I actually felt that hug. Thank you! I'm gonna go cry now. In a feel good way.

[patty58]

Ah honey, I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

[Nikki+2]

Originally Posted by labrown

My mother told me, you can't care more about a person than they care about themselves. You just can't. You can't force her to love herself anymore than she already does, and you can't make her do what is best for her.

We have some very self-destructive people in our family, and we have learned this lesson the hard way many, many times.

You have gotten so many great responses but this one summed up my feelings. You are being a wonderful sister but you have to look out for yourself too. Your sister is very lucky to have you and I'm sure you will figure out what is right for you. Sending another hug.