Almost 2 years later, images of her death still hurt

[Iluvalldogs]

As I am nearing the two year anniversary (on April 14) of the sudden and tragic passing of our girl, October, I can't help but be overwhelmed with emotion. I know too many of you can relate to this feeling all too well.

I never posted on YT about her passing as I always found it much too difficult. And I'm not sure how much I can go into detail about it, even now. What I will say is that she passed away due to a terrible, inconceivable accident. One that I've always claimed responsibility for. The vision that continually runs through my head is of her final moment here on earth, and seeing my baby die in such an ugly way tears my heart open each time it passes my through my mind.

So, I'm wondering if anyone else has lost their baby in a graphic and terrible nature? And if so, what coping mechanisms have helped you when those images flood your thoughts? For the many months following October's death, I had weekly therapy sessions that became monthly sessions as time progressed. They helped, and my own relationship with the Lord also helped as He gave me strength for each new day.

It's much different now, almost two years later. I miss her desperately, but I've learned to cope with her not being with us. But the images of her death still haunt me and I'm just wondering if anyone can relate to this.

[MarkFromSea]

I recently read something that relates. This isn't exactly how it was written but close. Think of those things that bother you as items in a back pack that you have on. The more things that bother you, the heavier your pack is. When you pull your pack off, empty it out and set up camp the back pack becomes very light. Whether you share those items with friends, professionals or complete strangers on a forum of like minded people, the end result should lighten your back pack.

My favorite dog died almost 19 years ago, on the same day my first daughter was born. He was at the vets, I was at the hospital. I'm glad I saw my daughter born but, my best friend died alone and that was tough to deal with for a very long time. I didn't buy another dog after that until 4 months ago. We were, actually my better half was, given a dog almost 2 years ago. The only reason I said ok to her getting that dog was because she had just survived cancer and it's treatments. Now, I figure I cheated myself out of about 17 years of dog friendship. Don't wait any longer if your situation is good for a dog. A new dog will never replace a friend who has passed but he/she will fill that hole in your heart if you let them.

Long live Duke the Wonder Dog! Best damn dog a guy ever had!

Of Mice and Men - "The old man [Candy] squirmed uncomfortably. "Well-hell! I had him so long. Had him since he was a pup. I herded sheep with him." He said proudly, "You wouldn't think it to look at him now, but he was the best damn sheep dog I ever seen."

[Dayswalters]

I agree that when you hold a tragedy close to your heart, it's very hard to heal. You can't go on blaming yourself either, your baby loved for you to be happy. I also agree that if you have room in your heart and home, a new puppy is a wonderful source of joy and healing. Only time will fade the images, but until you forgive yourself and allow that kind of love in your life again, you will struggle to heal.

Again, forgive yourself. Your little one would never have blamed you or held a grudge because of the love you shared.

[Jakester]

I am so sorry for you loss and pain. I've lost a German Shepard years ago and i always blamed myself for his passing and only time helped me.

[matese]

I can only repeat what Dayswalters and MarkFromSea has suggested. You cannot go on blaming your self and holding that tragedy in your heart, it will undo anything. You can never replace a a pup, and how I hate to use the word "replace", each dog has their own little personalities, their own ways,you have lots of love to share, you have an empty space in your heart that needs to be filled. Don't deny yourself the love of another little friend. My girl had to be put down 17 months ago, she was 17 y/o, she was blind, deaf and incontinent but was healthy, good appetite,nothing physically wrong with her, we had to find new ways to play due to her blindness. Then one day she doesn't eat, I hand feed her, she takes a little food on and off, the next 2 days the same thing but now had diarrhea and fear of dehydrating sets in , off to ER we go. She is kept for 7 days on IV, I visit daily 11AM is visiting time , I get daily reports, she's showing improvement, eats a little, drinks a little, poop shows signs of being a bit more solid, she may come home in a day or 2. Then I get a report eats a bit, but diarrhea is back. Everyday I visit her she has lost more weight, I ask a tech, PLEASE tell me if she will ever come home, tech says YES, it looks very promising. Day 7 I get a call at 10AM from the tech I am working with, she tells me"you must come in and say your good byes,you have to put Matese down" I am in shock, screaming on the phone they must be wrong, they told me she was coming home.The tech said she is in pain, her body organs are shutting down, diarrhea is just pouring out of her. In a nut shell. I went to say my good byes, held her close and tight, whispered in her ear she was momma's good girl, the tech injected her and ended her life. I was beyond devastated. Cut to the chase....the next week crying, in shock, depressed, I took everything dog related even stuff from my past puppies and donated to my local no kill shelter, 3 truck loads of over a period of 3 days. I swore no more dogs, the pain in my heart was too over whelming, I couldn't take loosing another pup. I cried from loosing my best friend of 17 years and the last of my little pack, I cried because I didn't know if I could live without a dog in my life, I cried because of the loneliness and emptiness i felt, I cried because my house was not a home anymore. I was sick for 6 weeks saying over and over to myself, ppl say time heals all wounds, but how much time does it take, I was in a very dark place, and that is just not who I am, and was getting more depressed with myself I couldn't drive my car, I was a hazard on the road, my mind was always drifting back to THAT phone call. Then 6 weeks after loosing my little girl I get a phone call from my vet, they had just gotten in a 2 1/2 y/o male yorkie, not an abused dog, he reminded her of Matese, she asked me to come and look at the dog. I gave her all the reasons I didn't / couldn't have another dog,besides all my babies were only females, I didn't want a male because of their marking, she said he was neutered, some mark, some do not. She kept saying "just come and see the dog". Out of respect for my wonderful vet that cared so well for my Matese, and gave me so many more years with her, and for my vet to think of me when this dog came in, I felt let me appease her and just go see this dog, I knew I was not going to take him.I went, I saw, and he came home with me. I tell you this story to let you know, this dog rescued me, he helped me heal from the loss of my sweet baby girl, he filled that hole in my heart, gave me back my life, pulled me out of that very dark place, made my house a home again, he is my miracle boy. He is with me 16 months now and I love him dearly for saving me. I believe this is what you need, to love and share your life once more with a little furbutt. Maybe a puppy is not what you would want, a rescue is sooooo rewarding, you lost your baby in a tragic way,why not now SAVE a dog, give a shelter dog a new, loving life, I can guarantee you, you will not be sorry. Two years is a long time to beat yourself up, it's time to open your heart, to forgive yourself, your baby would want to see you happy, not sad and punish your self like this. Save a baby. Please think about it.(((HUGS)))

[gemy]

[QUOTE=Iluvalldogs;4541637]As I am nearing the two year anniversary (on April 14) of the sudden and tragic passing of our girl, October, I can't help but be overwhelmed with emotion. I know too many of you can relate to this feeling all too well.

I never posted on YT about her passing as I always found it much too difficult. And I'm not sure how much I can go into detail about it, even now. What I will say is that she passed away due to a terrible, inconceivable accident. One that I've always claimed responsibility for. The vision that continually runs through my head is of her final moment here on earth, and seeing my baby die in such an ugly way tears my heart open each time it passes my through my mind.

So, I'm wondering if anyone else has lost their baby in a graphic and terrible nature? And if so, what coping mechanisms have helped you when those images flood your thoughts? For the many months following October's death, I had weekly therapy sessions that became monthly sessions as time progressed. They helped, and my own relationship with the Lord also helped as He gave me strength for each new day.

It's much different now, almost two years later. I miss her desperately, but I've learned to cope with her not being with us. But the images of her death still haunt me and I'm just wondering if anyone can relate to this.[/QUOTE
Many many years ago. Our dog well our kind of adopted dog came home to die - sliced open across his throat. He died of blood loss at my feet. He name was Renny he was some mix of what ever breeds and was my best friend. He saved me from a GSD attack - but this injury and even as a young lass I knew was not from a dog = some human had attacked him with a shovel like instrument.


You know even if in actuality you were totally responsible for, mistakes happen - now you know different Don't deny yourself a love to receive and a love to give another pup. And I will say there are very very few dog owners here who have never made a mistake with their pups. Maybe we got lucky IDK - but I certainly have been in more than a few dangerous situations that some forethought might have avoided. You know you can patrol your fence and look for gaps and then someone leaves the back door open and out on the street your pup goes!


\here is one of my close calls. I was taking my youngest in for what turned out to be cancer and I drove up to my driveway. To see my sister my brain damaged sister out on the street flummoxed as she was trying to call off my big boy Magic, the wife was holding my Razzle up I n her arms. Cars were driving by. How the two dogs got out was my fault I did not latch their crates snug enough - those crates are in our home. Anyhoo I was angrier than I have almost ever been - I yelled what in the hell is going on?? The wife dropped RAzzle my Yorkie off lead - thank God he came to me!! I called my big boy back. Away from the two very irksome Australian Shepherds. Magic was defending Sis as they were lunging at her and my Sis was trying to get Magic away - what a cluster **f**k
The Aussies happened to be walking off lead when sis went to enter our home, my dogs were out of their crates and when the Aussies barked and ran up the front steps Magic burst out the door with his faithfull henchman behind him. And these Aussies have now never been off lead in front of our home again!!!


anyone and all could have been hurt from dogs from cars from people!


If anything had happened to anyone I would have blamed MYSELF!!

[Iluvalldogs]

From the bottom of my heart, thank you all for your kind replies. I truly enjoyed reading each one and they helped me.

MarkFromSea: I genuinely loved the backpack analogy. I will forever use that when things are getting too heavy to bear. I am so sorry for the loss of your best friend 19 years ago. It constantly amazes me how these loves of ours, in the form of furry creatures, stay so close to our hearts.


Dayswalters: Thank you so much. I am trying to forgive myself. Some days are much easier than others, and granted I am so far from where I have come, but it is still difficult. Hearing kind words like yours help me so.


Jakester: I am so very sorry for the loss of your German Shepherd. We actually have a GSD (well, she is really my husbands) and the bond developed between that breed and owner is really something special.


Matese: I am so, so sorry for the loss of your dear, sweet girl 17 months ago. Doesn't it seem like, even though many months have passed, that it was only yesterday we lost our girls? Time is such a strange thing. I remember the day October passed away, I wanted nothing more than time and space to span as quickly as possible because I knew if I could get farther away from losing her, it may help. But, as time progressed it didn't necessarily make things "easier" so to speak, just different. Better yes, but its still difficult. I am so happy to know that you opened your heart to a new little one! And a boy! How wonderful, bless you for caring for him.


Gemy: Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your story. You are so right, accidents sometimes do happen - we are only human. And while they can be so heart-breaking, its just a fact of life I guess. I find myself being extra careful these days, with our other girls - a bit paranoid perhaps. Thank you again for your kind words.


I wanted to let everyone know that a few months after October passed away, we did get another Yorkie girl. We actually adopted her from a rescue group in Colorado (we live in NC). When I saw her photo, I felt an instant connection and I knew she was the one for me. I felt guilty for even wanting another baby after October, but I knew I could not go on without a sweet Yorkie in my life. So, after speaking with the kind lady at the group and explaining that there was no way possible we could travel to CO to get her - she actually offered to bring her to us! It was then I knew it was truly meant to be. So, Terri (the owner of the group) flew with our new girl in cabin to Charlotte, NC and we met her in the airport in May of 2013. We named her Oli, she was (at the time) a 5 year old baby who Terri had actually purchased at a puppy mill Amish auction, saving her from many more years of breeding - matted and filthy, Terri took her in, cleaned her up and nursed her back to health. And now, after she so graciously brought her to us, she is my little love. She reminds me so much of October in her little mannerisms, and it makes me smile. Oli did not replace October, but she helped me to heal and to love again. I love her so much. I've attached a photo taken around Christmastime. We keep her hair cut short, as she seems to like it better.

[matese]

What a precious sweetheart. Thank you for rescuing, it's so rewarding to save a dog. Yes, it does seem like yesterday that I had to put down my sweet girl, and I still cry for her, but then my boy comes to me and cuddles me and makes me smile again. I am happy to know you did get another baby, never feel guilty, you loved October and you always will, you needed Oli as much as she needed you. I have always been over protective, extra cautious with all my babies, but accidents can happen. Stay strong. (((HUGS)))

[Jakester]

Oli is adorable! and perfect size!

[Dayswalters]

I'm glad you have another baby to love and fill your life with joy. Oli is beautiful and lucky to have found you.

[Iluvalldogs]

Thank you all so much! I sure love her, she's just perfect.

[MarkFromSea]

Thanks for the update and congrats on a special pup from CO!

My rescue is from another state also.

[Maximo]

I am sorry you have those images in your memory. It's hard enough losing a loved one.

Great advice shared by others. When I lost my mom, my memory was dominated by images of her sick and frail. What helped me was to focus on when she was healthy and we shared good times. It took many years, but now I pretty much only see only the good images. Wishing you the same.

I'm glad you have an adorable baby, a rescue, to share your heart.