i can't decide if i can be in that room. i am totally unprepared

[iloverufus]

with approximately 3 weeks left with rufus, a story i've shared in two other threads, i keep wrestling painfully with whether or not i can be in that room and watch someone take my dogs life away. it dawned on me recently, it's not so much that he has to go, that's heartbreaking, what was eating at my soul was how i can live in the moment of watching my dog lose his life. its unbearable and that's where i realized my problem lies. i dont know if i can bring myself to watch that. im in a bind bc no matter what choice i make i'm going to be haunted. if i am there what if i can't get that picture out of my mind, and it's the last picture i have of him, if i'm not there, i feel guilty like i abandoned him. i've had ppl give me their opinions. i talked to a therapist and he suggested that maybe being in that room is not right for me, and that i shouldn't feel guilty. i promised rufus i would be there but as time draws near i don't truly know if i can. i just want him to know that no matter what happens, i love him more than i love myself. he is the one who taught me to respect myself and i am forever indebted to him. i have no clue what to do, and i can't say what i will do. for some reason i dont know if being there is right for me. like any death i've experienced, i was able to go see my grandmother right after she died, and while painful, i didnt have to watch her die and it was peaceful seeing her after. a bit scary but not something i wasn't able to handle. its the watching of this event that scares me to death. i can go say my goodbyes when it's over, i just dont know if i can be there when it happens. and i worry that what if i'm not, and the next time i have a dog when i'm an adult and i go thru this again, and i'm strong enough to watch, does that mean, not being there for rufus mean i loved rufus less? all these thoughts and i just am totally at a loss

[Susan78]

I am so sorry to hear of Rufus. I lost my beloved Keally Jan. 26,10 and it was devastating for me. She had a brain tumor on the end but I felt she was with me during my times when I was sick. I did not want to see her pass but in her eyes she was telling me momma I can't go on. I was with her and my vet was so wonderful. She passed peacefully just went to sleep. I stayed with her for awhile and it was hard because that is all I could see was her passing on. I joined this site and all the members helped me through and I am glad I was with Keally. It is what she would of wanted was her momma and daddy petting her. Everyone has their own feelings about death and you will have to think of what you want to do. It is not easy but I do not feel guilty and I was with my friend all the way. I feel for you and I pray everything turns out ok with your decision. Remember everybody on this site is here to help one another. Take care of.

[Lil Sis]

I lost a puppy.. about three years past.. I brought her home from the vets knowing she have hardly any chance of getting better. I talked to the vet and I knew I had to make the decision to pts but Oh I did not want to.

The night before I was going to take her in (I knew it was the right thing) she died in my arms. I wrapped her in her blanket and left her in her bed.
I took her into the vet ... bed and all.. the next morning. She gave me the best gift of all.. to die peacefully in my arms.

What I say to you, do what you have to for your own inter peace. Do what you have to so you can look yourself in the eye (mirror) and know you did what you had to do.

I will say, there is peace in just holding the pup you love so much in the moment. You are giving the pup peace and love, and think of it as not death but a passage to another stage -- rainbow bridge

I send prayers and wishes that you will be ok. I got a new pup about 2 years latter (I have three all together) and I remember my zhoie with peace.

[yorkietalkjilly]

Only you know yourself and how you can best deal with his passing and you know your dog and what distresses him. I always worry that I don't want my dear Yorkie's last thoughts in life to be of his mommie terribly upset and maybe even crying out of control. They are so attuned to us that I think that could be just so scary to a Yorkie to see his mommie so upset and if you cannot stop crying hysterically when that moment comes, it might be kinder to the little one to say goodbye as gently as possible and step out. I think you can live with whatever guilt or whatever you have to and deal with that down the road but just think of what you think is best for your dog and what would give the most comfort to him in that last moments. You know your little dog best and whatever you think will make your baby's last moments the easiest, most peaceful and least stressful to him will probably be the best for him. God bless you and sweet little Rufus. You will both be in my prayers.

[my2boyz]

I was so strong before we knew we had to take Boog in and put him to rest...once I realized it was time I got scared and fell apart, I just knew I couldn't go in that room.

But, I pulled myself together and realized that Boog had been with me everyday for almost 13 years...he helped me get over a very serious illness, he was with me no matter what...he gave comfort to many of our foster children...he was my comfort when my husband was in the hospital for several days...he was our auction buddy and would nap on the pile of quilts I purchased at many auctions and everyone knew him...he was in a deadly head on accident with us and we all made it through...he was my little buddy, my little clown and, in many cases, my strength...he helped me out of my shell of shyness because I had to talk to people when he was with me, it was unavoidable because they all wanted to see him...we traveled all over the country together...he was like our child and he was our funny little friend who brought us so much love, joy and so many laughs over the years...he had the heart of a lion and feared nothing but when it got tough or he was sick he just wanted his 'Mom'...we were so bonded.

He had been there for so much and through so much with us...how could I let him go alone at the end when he needed me? I couldn't...so...we got his favorite blanket and we went to our vet and we stayed with him even after he was gone. We had Boog creamated and he will be burried with one of us when the time comes.

Was it hard to do? You bet it was!

Do I regret it? I only regret that he is gone and there as nothing more we could do for him but I have never regretted being there with him.

Would I have regretted 'not' going in with him? Yes, I believe I would have regretted that everyday.

We did what was right for us and Boog...only you can make the decision that is right for you when the time comes.

[Sammy Mommy]

It is such a difficult decision. When it was time for my beagle Benji to go to Rainbow Bridge, he was so very sick. I regret that I did not stay with him. The only reason I didn't stay was that my son was with me and he was only 3 years old at the time. I knew the vet tech and the vet very well and I knew they would be so kind to Benji. Benji was so out of it that I don't think he knew where he even was. If I have to make that decision again with my Sammy I would stay with him. But this is a personal choice for any of us to make. Pray for strength and guidance. I will also pray for you and your beloved Rufus. God Bless You.

[stanziog]

Dog Ten Commandments

1. My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years. Any
separation from you will be painful remember
that before you get me.
2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.
3. Place your trust in me- it is crucial to my well
being.
4. Do not be angry at me for long, and do not lock
me up as punishment.
5. You have your work, your entertainment,and your friends.
I only have you.
6. Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don't understands your words,
I understand your voice when it is speaking to me.
7. Be aware that how ever you treat me, I will never forget.
8. Remember before you hit me that I have teeth that could
easily hurt you, but I choose not to bite you because I
love you.
9. Before you scold me for being uncooperative,obstinate,or lazy,
ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I
might not be getting the right food, or I have been out to
long, or my heart is getting to old and weak.
10. Take care of me when I get old; you too will grow old. Go
with me on difficult journeys. Never say: "I cannot bear to
watch" or "Let it happen in my absence." Everything
is easier for me if you are there, even my death.
Remember that I love you.

[lisaly]

My baby, Kiwi, had CHF, and after really fighting it off, she got an eye infection that she was unable to fight. We treated her right away, but her resistance was so low and she was losing her battle with it. She also had years of terrible allergies which weakened her immune system. I took her to the doctor each day for him to give her iv fluids, a vitamin B-12 shot, and for her doctor to check her heart, lungs, and eyes. That last day I asked my vet, "She's not going to pull through this, this time, is she?" Her temperature was very low and her gums were gray. He told me no and asked me if I wanted to put her to sleep. I told him that I wanted my husband to say goodbye to her and that I would bring her back in the morning. My vet said that she wasn't going to make it through the night. I was alone, and my husband has had many back surgeries, so leaving the house is often very difficult for him. Meeting me there wasn't an option. We are also 22 miles from my vet, and Kiwi was his last appointment. Fortunately, my husband held Kiwi for a while before I left and told her how much he loved her. I called my husband and asked him what he wanted me to do. He left it up to me and wanted me to do what I thought was best for Kiwi and me. I didn't want her to suffer through the night or to have to gasp for air, so I decided to let her peacefully die in my arms. Neither of us were expecting to hear what the vet told us that day. I questioned whether she would be strong enough to get better, but wasn't expecting her to die that day. I have never regretted making that decision for Kiwi, and it was peaceful for her and so quick. I was able to hold her for as long as I wanted after she passed away, even though they were closed. The doctor and the staff were very compassionate, and they had always been very attached to Kiwi. Kiwi went there every six weeks for most of her life. She ran in there with the happiest look on her face every time since she knew her doctor helped her to feel better. You need to do what is right for you and what you think you can handle. It was very painful to lose my special girl, but I know I did what was most compassionate for her so that she didn't have to suffer needlessly that night. It is so obvious that you love Rufus, and he knows it too. I have been so moved by reading your posts about him. I wish you peace in whichever decision you choose. Know that we will be here to support you and that we care.

[Sunnie]

oh how my heart breaks for you. I can tell you that I had my Cairn Terrier Ginger for 16 years. She was my strength. The last year of her life, she had diabetes and I had to give her daily shots. If I ever made her yelp while giving her the shot, I would fall to pieces and cry my eyes out. I knew that I would never be able to make that decision when the time came much less be in the room. Yet, when she had to have a biopsy and had to stay at the vets overnight, I was so unprepared when the vet called me in the morning and said I needed to come in. As soon as I saw her, I knew it was time, I could see the pleading in her eyes and it was without a hesitation that I said, please, I cannot let her go on like this.. I held her and cried my eyes out as she tried to kiss me better. I thought I was going to die with her, but could not leave her. She needed me. I DID remember her as she died for a while, but it wasn't long before all of that was blocked out and I remembered all of the fun good times with her. Now I lost my Sunnie almost 2 years ago suddenly and the thing I feel the wost about is that I was not there when he passed. All I could think about is that he was in a strange place (the vets) and mommy wasn't there. The vet had told me he was ok and to pick him up in the morning. When I arrived in the morning, the vet told me he had just passed away. I was just devistated that I was not with him.
Now that all being said, it really is a personal choice and there is no right or wrong answer. Just do what your heart tells you. HUGS

[My lil friend]

Because it has not been very long sense I had to make that decision for Bunkey I so feel you heart. You will know when the time comes,you will make the right decision. For me there was no way that I could leave Bunkey in the room in someone elses care not even my husband. But I understand that,that decision is not for everyone. Death no matter how it happens is such a painful thing,and no matter what you do you feel in that moment that you just will not survive the pain,you will. For some of us it takes longer than others. Healing happens in different ways for different people. Allow yourself to grieve now and later,it is ok. Noone expects you to be the strong person here. Remember to find the people that love you and tell them that you need to be held,it really does help.

[lillymae]

I agree with the others, STAY. Your baby would fight to the death for you & never leave you in your time of need. You want it to be as pain free & stress free for your baby as possible and that includes their favorite person being there to ease their stress. One thing I always do is ask for a tranquilizer that I can give my baby at home , before that last car ride & vet visit as they are most often nervous going to the vet anyway. I do not want Fear or Pain to be the last thing my baby experiences before they leave this world and I find the more at peace they are , the more at peace you are. It is Never an easy thing but remember that birth and death are a part of life that can not be avoided and we should all be surrounded by our Loves ones when we cross over.
I will Pray for God to give you Strength.

[KazzyK810]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through with Rufus.
My thoughts & prayers are with you.

I held my last Yorkie, Chelsea, as she was put to sleep. I am the biggest wuss. I faint at the sight of needles, blood, etc. It has always been my biggest fear with my kids that if anything should happen to them, cuts, broken bones, etc...that I didn't know if I could keep it together & stay conscious, long enough to care for them. But, I knew after 11 years of being raised with my kids & being the greatest pet ever, that I owed it to Chelsea to have her pass on in the arms of someone who loved her. I'm so glad I was there & I was the one holding her, looking into her eyes and telling her how much we all loved her.

[gidget529]

Originally Posted by lillymae

I agree with the others, STAY. Your baby would fight to the death for you & never leave you in your time of need. You want it to be as pain free & stress free for your baby as possible and that includes their favorite person being there to ease their stress. One thing I always do is ask for a tranquilizer that I can give my baby at home , before that last car ride & vet visit as they are most often nervous going to the vet anyway. I do not want Fear or Pain to be the last thing my baby experiences before they leave this world and I find the more at peace they are , the more at peace you are. It is Never an easy thing but remember that birth and death are a part of life that can not be avoided and we should all be surrounded by our Loves ones when we cross over.
I will Pray for God to give you Strength.

I agree. I just went through this with Cricket in Nov. I asked if she could have some Valium first. Her passing was very peaceful. She just went to sleep listening to her mommie's voice.

[itsbaddangel]

This was very hard for me to read without bawling my eyes out. I wish you the best.

[lillymae]

Originally Posted by gidget529

I agree. I just went through this with Cricket in Nov. I asked if she could have some Valium first. Her passing was very peaceful. She just went to sleep listening to her mommie's voice.

And this is how it should be. I too always lean over my babies and tell them how much I Love them & how good they are. You can't do better then that. Also if they have a favorite blanket you can take them wrapped in it & after they are gone I always leave them on the table wrapped cozily in it & that makes a little more tolerable as far as the memory goes.You can go back when you feel ready to retrieve the blanket, just be sure to tell them you want the blanket back if you decide to have your baby cremated or they will leave them wrapped in that blanket when the do the cremation.