My Bentley is gone

[connie777]

Hello to you all...
I have sad news that my sweet little Bentley is gone forever. I've been writing back to a friend since yesterday and my e-mail has gotten so long I decided to forward it to others as well. I can't tell the story more than once.
I wasn't going to put it on YorkieTalk because I am ashamed before you all that he died because of me. So please don't chastise me. I know it was my fault. But I want to share my loss with you anyway. This is what happened...and I love him and miss him so very much

This is what happened. The day after Christmas.
I was just about to leave for the lake to pick up Lydia (Irene and Scott's baby..mmy grandaughter) but opened the front door to get the mail first. He usually didn't shoot out the front door when I'd open it for the mail. He'd wait because I'd put my foot in the door and knew I'd give him some junkmail from the mailbox. He was always very excited - even snarly - about the mailman's arrival on the porch. It was one of the highlights of his day. That and the shipyard's noon whistle caused plently of barking. Otherwise he wasn't a barky dog unless he heard strange noises.
Bentley saw I had my coat and purse on. Generally when I'd leave the house through the front door he'd stay back from the door and look forlorn. Then he'd make a dash at the door as I closed it. I admit he did occasionally zip out the back door. Or of I opened the door for someone to come he'd go through the door to greet them but always followed them back into the house. The past couple busy holiday days with lots of comings and goings he discovered it was clever and fun to shoot out the back door when someone opened it and run around on this block....through the back yards. One day a few weeks ago he crossed the street behind my house because he knew katherine lives over there, He went up her stairway and barked... and hoped she'd open the door. She was home and let him inside in-order to catch him for me. He was always hoping to do that again.. and to go inside to see her bunny Babbette,
In the past, if he got out I could always get him quickly by going out myself and saying "come on Bentley...get in the car..let's go for a ride", That always worked. So when he ran out the front door Wednesday I went to my car, which was in the garage, opened the door and invited him to get in. He was zooming around the yard...and around the house but came into the garage. He was starting to be tricky with a 'catch me if you can' attitude the last two days. He came into the garage and was just about to jump into the car ...then changed his mind (probably getting wise to that trick). Instead he ran around to the other side of the car.
I was calling to him but he didn't come right away.
Then I heard a couple squeaks..unusual sounding muffled squeaks that sounded like he was hurt or stuck somewhere in the garage. I still thought he was on the other side of the car and wondered what could have hurt him over there. But as I looked around and behind me I saw him there on Michigan Street just beyond the end of my driveway. He was standing up-right..sort of hunched... looking at me for help but unable to move or terrified. It looked like he was injured at the shoulder...He looked so small...he was trying to move but looked unable to use his front left leg or move from the spot.
Cars were still moving by.. one slowed down when I entered the street and I raised my arms to stop him.

I picked Bentley up even though I knew it was wrong to do because of injuries. He didn't snap like an injured dog will. I knew I shouldn't handle him too much. It was all so fast. To get him into the car which was inside the garage would be a tight fit. The car doors don't open completely in there. So instead I carried him through my front door and lay him down.
As I carried him away from the road I knew he was alive because I could feel and hear him take a couple rough labored breaths.
I lay him on the floor inside the front door. He didn't move or seem to be breathing. I couldn't hear or feel a heart beat or pulse. He wasn't mangled and didn't have any visible outside bleeding. I think he died in my arms as I carried him in.
But I was not positive. I went to get something flat to slide under him to take him to a vet. When I moved him onto that I saw blood on the floor that had come from his nose and mouth and then I saw that some of his tongue was hanging out the other side of his mouth. His eyes were open. His gums were pale. Now I think, like Princess Diana, his aorta or something was ruptured when he was hit. I only hope that picking him up in the road didn't make it worse...as if he would have survived in an upright position. I don't really think so though. I don't think anyone in this town has the expertise to save him in time if he could have been saved.
I thought Katherine was at work and didn't want to upset her there by calling her.
I was pretty positive he was dead ...but you know how you'd not want to believe it just in case there was a faint heartbeat that I couldn't feel or hear.
I called Irene who was at work a few blocks away. I had to let her know what happened and that I couldn't get the baby. So they would have to arrange something else for Lydia before Scott went to work.
Irene left the store and came over in minutes.

Irene had gotten to know Bentley better in the last week because she and Lydia spent a few days and nights in a row at my house. She could see how sweet he was. Sometimes, when you only see a dog for a little while occasionally they just seem like barky little nuisances. But when you live with them around the clock you get to know their real personality.
Baby Lydia and Bentley were getting very close. They were simpatico. She would say "baw" (which is "ball"). She was meaning both ball and that exciting furry little guy who chased the ball and was near her almost every minute she was awake. Whenever she saw him or his toys she'd say "baw". When she wanted to see him or get his attention she would say "baw". She laughed the hardest at his antics... jumping, fetching, rolling over and doing "sit-up pretty' for her cheerios.


This picture is from the day I got Bentley. Irene went with me when I chose him from the litter. We took a thousand photos at my house, then took him to the beach to meet Scott and Irene's cocker Jake (my grandpuppy). Bentley was 9.5 weeks here and Jake was 10 years. He looks largeer on this picture because of the camera angle. Mext to jake he was very tiny then. On this photo Jake is walking quickly and Bentley is stretched out "flying" through the air to keep up with him. He was 3.5 pounds and Jake about 30 pounds.
We love this picture, Ot reminds me of a picture I've seen in a children's book somewhere.

When Bentley was little he had the coloring of his father...a full bred yorkie, But as he grew up his color changed from black and tan yorkie to a more blonde/gray and gold color like his mother who was Yorkie/s**tzu. He was a Yorkie/s**tzu aka Shorkie. In truth a mut with a catagory.. He looked mostly like his mom, Lily ...but she was 2 pounds larger.
Here are picture of his parents.
Anout Bentley and Lydia
Bentley knew he wasn't supposed to snitch and chew Lydia''s toys or steal her finger foods. Those things were a great temptation to him. He thought nothing was more fun than snitching a plastic star from Lydia and showing it to me for my reaction...then running round and round the dining table while I tried to get it back. After a while and trying to pry his mouth open like he was a snapping tutle holding on to someone's gloves or hat, I learned that a squirt from a water bottle made him drop it instantly. After he experienced a few squirts all I had to do was make a trigger motion and say "pssst'...and he'd drop whatever he had. But we lost a lot of big legos and a teething ring before we learned that.

For bentley playing with Lydia was literally as easy as taking candy from a baby ...she had crackers, cheese and Cheerios! And now with Lydia at ten months her favorite game was actually offering him her toys and cherrios !!!
I could see his brain was working on that. " Mom and Irene are saying "Bentley! Leave it !!! .....but this baby's putting that cheese right into my mouth!".
We finally gave that up and he got to eat the cheese and cheerios she handed him or dropped purposely on the floor from her highchair.
When she was on the floor (she's not quite crawling yet...but very close) he would enjoy lying on a pillow very near her and squeaking his squeaky toys while she played with something or drank her bottle. Of course he always thought baby talk was for him too when he heard us talking so sweetly to her. Because he was my baby and I talked often to him in the same tone. She was learning to push him away when he got too close or in her face... and tickled her with his mustache. He was starting to see her as a superior human ...but taking advantage of her childlike "puppiness" as long as they could.

****This email is continued in my next post.....it's too long for one post

[connie777]

****
continued from my previous e-mail about Bentley:

At first Irene, like any new mom, was grossed out over the thought of "dog germs" if the baby touched his toys or vice versa..but I think she finally realized, that at least at my house, there would be no way to avoid "dog germs" with this perky little dog and baby in the same room. I couldn't banish him outside to the winter cold when the baby was awake in the house having "all that fun". I've never heard of anyone getting a sickness from a dog's mouth...except rabies. Of course we didn't let her play with his toys and tried to keep them apart as much as possible.
The experience and bonding for the baby was worth it for the fun they had. It wasn't going to be long before Lydia would begin exerting authority over the dog. It is pretty fascinating to watch the change as she learns to assert herself.
She was already concluding she didn't want to hand him the ball herself...after a few tries of getting it from him she knew he was too fiesty about letting go of the ball most of the time. She decided she'd rather let me throw it and just watch and laugh at his chase. She'd hand the "baw" back to me if I offered her a try.

However......
Bentley was now lying on a towel on a flattened cardboard box at the door when Irene arrived. We both felt he was dead but she called a vet and we took him there just to hear it officially.
Then I realized Katherine would be home from work after 1:00 so I called and she came over. I was glad she was there because she loved Bentley so much...and she had received great comfort from him all the first summer when she was so sick. Now she would get to see him one more time while he was still soft and warm. Her father died while she was on the plane back from L..A. and she never got to see him that one last time.

We all petted and stroked his sweet still body and cried.
I am still crying today.
Scott arrived with Lydia and he was also moved by the sight. We had a hug which was good. Lydia was almost asleep in her car seat when he brought her in...and sat her right next to the dog. She was unaware of what was happening...and went back to sleep.
How do you bury someone you love? But you know you have to. You touch him a little more and hope it's just not true and he'll raise his head. But no.
I wanted something that was familiar to him. Irene and I cut a large piece from the couch throw that Bentley and I used to cover up when he'd lay on the couch by me all the time. I shrouded him in that with some of his special squeaky toys and bound him with the long elastic that was attached to another favorite play thing he just loved. His tug o war jumpy...we called it Bbentley's "jumpy" or his "humping bear". It was a stuffed toy tied to a very long elastic cord and on the other end a smaller toy. He loved to play with that....it was a lazy way to get him running and exercising while I sat on the couch.

Irene suggested I take some locks of his hair and keep his leather collar and some other toys. Like his jingle bell dog jacket from last year. He loved to walk with that on in the cold and would usually wiggle it off after a while. Or he'd run around the house shaking the bells and tossing it in the air wanting me to chase him. WhenI'd get the jacket off the hook to put it on...he'd get all excited hearing the bells because he knew we were going out for a walk. Well, any time I reached for a leash he was excited.
Anytime I put on make-up and looked busy around my purse and cell-phone he was worried I'd be going somewhere without him.
...
The ground was not frozen deeper than about 6 inches. Steven dug quite a deep grave in my flower bed near the corner of the garage.
We buried him right away. While I wrapped him up for burial I thought about the mothers and fathers in Iraq and other places of disaster. How I've seen them mourning their children...wrapped in white shrouds. And I used to think how devastating it must be to have to bury them on the spot like that. We see it on television after earthquakes and floods...burying their children, husband and wives right in the dirt next to their rubbled homes.
Of course I know burying Bentley didn't compare to that...but at this time he does to me. How much deeper and longer will be the pain for those people. I thought of Helen when Emma was murdered as she was down and fighting cancer, and my sister when her son committed suicide and she had to see him in the ER. I felt slightly better thinking of those who needed to bury their own children.
He was my responsibility and I had failed to protect him. I had gotten too confident in his behavior. He had no idea that a car was a dangerous thing. I even installed an electric underground fence...but not trained him to it before the snow fell. I had started that training a few days earlier...but there was no good reason he wasn't trained to it yet. Just my eteral prorcastination.
Hopefully we think a dog is always in the moment. That he didn't fear death. That he was happily running about and wham...like a fly was sniffed out. I hope it was like that. Like he felt me pick him up and carry him a few moments...then went off to sleep forever. At least I am greatful that I didn't have a suffering baby stuggling to breath and whimpering in pain and fear.
But he is gone.
To answer your other question..No.. he wasn't wearing the Christmas garb you saw in the picture when he died. He only wore that for a little while on Christmas Day. I'd put it on before my sister Barb and her husband Wally arrived...just for fun to look festive. It was a little thing we found at Target for two dollars. Barb and Wally were were stopping on their way back to Milwaukee especially to see him on Christmas Day because I didn't bring him to the Christmas Eve gathering at Katherine's. He would have been a handful with the gifts, food, baby and rabbit all at his level.

Usually Bentley would wiggle out of an outfit like that...but luckily he sat still for awhile that day so I could actually take some pictures near the tree. Irene and Lydia had just left after four days. The house was quiet and he was acting sort of melancholy for awhile. Then Barb arrived and he ran outside to greet her and Wally (on his chain of course). He wiggled right out of the elf when he started jumping around.

We had fun with Bentley that day. John Purinton (Helen's son) stopped over with cookies he'd made and brought from New Jersey. Bentley entertained everyone..if they wanted entertainment or not...eventually driving us nuts with a new ball I suggested katherine gave him for Christmas. He loved it but kept running it into corners, behind the tree, and getting it stuck under furniture. Then barking at it because he couldn't get it out. After a while we put the ball out of sight.
When the people left I let a lot of air out of it..so he could just barely pick it up and run with it. He had fun with it another ten minutes until he finally bit through it. I knew he would that was my plan.
I'd told katherine I was going to scarifice her gift for our sanity and I paid her for it. Soon it was deflated and he left it alone. Peace at last. That's the nice thing about a dog. They know no better. He assumed those balls are to destroy and doesn't ask more from it. He's off to the next good thing that moves and doesn't whine for another...or want someone to fix it. He just moves on.

It was the next day that he was hit by the car.

I wouldn't usually dress up a dog and cart him around like a toy in LA. But he did have a sweater from katherine and wore it once or twice in the bitter cold we had a couple weeks ago.

I took his pic wearing it and wrestling with his outside favorite outside thing...the snow shovel. Bentley loved that snow shovel and all "people tools". We had rakes, brooms and the snow shovel out in the yard all year round for him to attack.

I miss him so. It's very different sitting at the computer without him lying on my lap or under my chair. Or stealing pens and sipping my coffee if I'd forget to push in the computer chair. He'd climb up on the desk to see if there were goodies there.
He used to like to "chase" the cursor on the monitor screen when he was little. I guess he thought it was "alive".

I had many pictures in this e-mail but they don't show up here. I will try to figure out how to post some later or send a link to snapfish in case anyone would like to see my baby.

[MeganS]

Connie, what happened wasn't your fault. I know it might seem like it was, that's part of the grieving process, but you didn't do anything wrong. It was a horrible, freak accident that was beyond your control.

I'm so, so sorry for the loss of Bentley. I can't imagine how heartbreaking this is for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[EmrldShdwQueen]

I am so sorry sweetie, I know this is a horrible feeling...

[connie777]

Thank you so much...this is so hard

[Joeysmom]

Oh my gosh, Connie, I am sitting here weeping for you. God bless your heart....

What a thing to happen at Christmas time. I'm soooo sorry for you. I will be praying for comfort for you. Try hard not to beat yourself up, hind sight is almost always 20/20...but we can't go back. The same thing happened to one of our shelties many years ago, only my dear hubby ran over him in the driveway....my daughter, who was 13 at the time, still blames herself for letting him out when dad was driving in. He was her dog...but it wasn't her fault.

Many hugs to you....

debbie

[fourdez]

I cannot imagine how horrible you must all feel. My sincere condolences.

[shelschrader]

Accidents happen, and this was not your fault. Our little ones think they are invinceable are cannot be hurt. I know how hard this must be for you to post, but thank you for doing so. You are not alone in your tears as they are streaming down my face now. Do not blame yourself as it is not your fault. I'm so sorry for your loss and for your sweet Bentley.

[sweetr72]

It is NOT your fault!!! Please dont blame yourself!! I lost my cocker spaniel 2 christmas's ago in almost the same way...he ran out the back door that never completetly closed unless someone manually shut it..that day they didnt and out our precious baby ran to the road..he was hit right away!! He didnt bleed until after he died either but we knew his back was broken...to this day it still haunts me and I miss him terribly but its no ones fault..accidents happen..I buried Moocho at my parents in the country over looking the creek..his favorite spot to run...we visit him allllllllllll the time and I talk to him like he is still here...if I hadnt lost Moocho I wouldnt have discovered the sweet little yorkie breed..I wouldnt have Reece and Soleil...I feel like Moocho brought them to me..because I could never have another cocker...I would have compared him to Moocho forever Im sure..

I am so sorry you lost your Bentley...you are in my thoughts today and for many days to come...

Dawn

[Judy in Waco]

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine. Hugs to you all. Your words were heartfelt and moving. I'm so sorry.

[Patti]

I am so sorry for your tragic loss. You cannot blame yourself, accidents are exactly that accidents. My prayers are with you

[sondra2004]

Im sorry for your loss.It was a accident.You can drive yourself crazy over "What IF's ". There are a lot of things in our lifes that we dont have control of and this is one of them. RIP Bentley.

[MyFairLacy]

I'm so sorry Accidents happen...there have been times that Lacy has ran out of the house and I've had to chase her down. She never listens and I was always lucky to catch her. You can only be as cautious as you can..no one plans to have their dog escape and get hit by a car. Honestly, it's one of my worst fears. Our babies are stubborn and have a mind of their own and sometimes just don't listen. Don't blame yourself. You did what you thought would make him come back to you. I'm sorry for your loss

[dani23d]

I'm happy he didn't suffer too long and was finally at peace in your arms. *crying* (Your writing is very moving. You should be a writer.)

[chachi]

I am so very sorry for your loss